The idea of becoming fully financially independent both scares me and excites me. It is very easy to become accustomed to a certain quality of life, or the "norm" and refuge that families or government grants provide, but such things are transient or are additional; they come due to the good grace of humanity, and I'm no longer a child. It feels like only yesterday, I am a teenager with a sense of entitlement to the income of my parents, and to an extent that perception of entitlement can unfortunately pervade itself through one's life. By all means I still consider myself a student, and by no means am I right now self-sufficient. I am full-time tertiary student, and being a student, that entitlement appears logically deserved, or at least historically continued, notwithstanding any real merit or sustainability. Some people leave homes at eighteen, some get kicked out, I cannot conceive of such (financial) isolation right now and nor do I think I could cope at this very stage, yet occasionally I like to entertain such beliefs and convince myself everything I've done in my life up to this point contributes ultimately to a degree of self-reliance. Yet upon solid reflection and introspection, I realise many things I do or have done exist in some sort of vacuum, yielding very little real utility except the amorphous kind, and unforunately nothing I really do is proportional to or representative of its external value. I try and deconstruct each activity, pulling apart the sum to find that its parts don't exist, I have neither learnt any real or ostensible skills that can be wielded or projected. Occasionally I find myself overwhelmed, and I find myself resorting to justifications; with attempts to reify the value of the things I do - but then something is lost - but I cannot ignore reality and self-reliance. I do not want to lose myself, but this must also be reconciled with the fact that I am not an atom that simply exists separately in a cosmopolitan mass. Liberty allows one to self actualise, but liberty also requires resources, and without resources such formal liberty is a phantom kind of liberty - to be free I must work.
So my goal is to become fully self-reliant next year. There will be obstacles. I will still be studying fulltime, in the long-term education will be the most effective means to my end, so giving it up would be an irrational tradeoff. I am also (only) twenty, and despite some people leaving home at this stage, I still feel very young and inexperienced in this world. But I must start accepting that to truly be myself I must also rely only on myself.