four walls and adobe slabs

the_loser's picture

I'm trying to keep busy and just do what I'm doing. Despite this I still think about us a lot. I guess I'm not always sad but I still find myself thinking about things. I don't do a whole bunch of theorizing about how things would be now, but sometimes I do. Like if we got back together now or if it didn't happen. Like short cut scenes in my head.
Driving in the car holding hands. Sleeping at night together. Cuddling on our new recliner. Cuddling in my room watching movies on my new tv. Driving to her house late at night after work to sleep with her. I hate it. I don't even try to think about it sometimes, but I do.

Most of the time I just reimagine things and remember. Cut scenes again. Little tiny things like driving in her car in the summer and holding hands and her looking over at me and smiling with her loving eyes. Her sitting on me when we would play. Wow, I just remembered we always use to play and tackle each other. I haven't thought about that in a long, long time. It was cute. We were the cutest people I knew. We could still be so cute if we were back together.

Three months ago if you asked me what I would do if she asked me to get back together, I would've said, "no, I have more growing to do". Now if you asked me I would say, "I don't know. I'm not sure. Maybe, yes". Because honestly if she just texted me one night and said, "I miss you", or she came over and we cuddled and everything felt good, I wouldn't want to give that away again. I'm not lying to myself. I still get tore up about it some nights. But like I said, most of the time I just find myself thinking about certain things and I don't even mean to. I'm not always sad.
But some times I do just get really sad. I am trying to figure things out. I am trying to understand. First I thought I didn't miss her at all. I'm not even in love with her, actually. I don't know that much about this new person she is, but what I do know I don't care for. She is still much the same, but certain things, you know. I don't think about her, or even missing her. I know because the first couple of months I did and it was different. I don't feel anything when I see her. But I miss what we had. I miss it so damn much when I actually start thinking about it. It like instantly makes me tear up because it was such a beautiful fucking thing. So god damn beautiful. I was so deeply in love and it eats away at me knowing that is empty in me now. I was such a different person. I'm different now, I know. But when I'm in love.....I know I'm also different. It brings out the best in me. I'm just a cold, angsty, uncaring bitch inside. I love people at work and my friends and everything, but at the end of the day and in my head, I really just don't want anything to do with anyone. But when we were together, it wasn't like that.
My mom once said to her privately, "I'm so happy you guys are together. You've made her so happy" and when she told me what my mom said I was surprised because I couldn't remember or think how I could've been unhappy before we were together, to have made my parents notice. And now I know. I'm ok, I'm not unhappy. It's just different. I'm very content with my life. I really am. But it could be better.

I guess I'm realizing I still have regret. I wish I didn't. I know once I get up there and move and maybe I can date some other people and it'll help vanquish these feelings I have. It's so hard because I'm trying to guess what she is feeling or thinking but I can't. We don't talk and I've told her we should hang out but it sounds like she makes excuses. She says she wants to but she never initiates anything. She has never initiated anything, so I don't know if it's because she's waiting for me or she doesn't care or doesn't want to. It's strange because when we do hang out we have so much fun together every time so I have no idea. I am trying to tell myself to stop trying to guess. No guessing. Just go with things. It will keep me up at night. I have wanted to ask her so many times or tell her. Just tell her that I'm so happy we had such a happy relationship and we were able to build up ourselves off of it afterwards. I want to tell her I am happy that I savored every moment we were ever together. Every moment she entered my life 4 years ago. And that I will always care about her even if we don't hang out or talk all the time because those 4 years were the best of my life and it takes a long time for me to care about someone. I can't just abruptly stop caring. I want her to be happy and healthy and do well in things. But I wish I was a big part of her life like it used to be. I miss everything.

I should just write an unsent letter to her.

I miss things. I'm excited for my future. I asked her twice after we broke up if there is a chance in the future and she said yes both times. Because she loved our relationship too and would like to come back one day. We always used to talk about how if we ever had to split up we could come back. Like in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Our souls would find a way back together. Such a beautiful concept.

I guess I am trying to understand if she would ever still want to do that or if she's changed her mind by now. And I don't want to ask. I don't want to ask her if she ever thinks about us or if she gets sad or if she wishes we could be together soon. It's so much. I don't think she wastes an ounce on me. And I tell myself, stop trying to guess what she is thinking. Stop it. Because that's how you go crazy. I guess it seems like she's over it anyway, but she's always been one to hide her feelings. She is so stubborn, and tries to hide everything. She wouldn't tell me if I asked. But I'm pretty sure she had feelings for other people or at least one other person. But it can't be anything. How could it? So short a time to me.

I am scared I won't feel in love with the next person I date. I am so afraid of not being able to love. I know I can, but I don't want to try too hard and convince myself I am in love and later on realize I never was and then break someone's heart. I just never want to break anyone's heart. I guess I am hoping a lot that I find someone up there that light's up my world and banishes all of this darkness in my heart. To make me not feel this away. I know it will go away eventually. But still.

The thing that annoys me the most was I know it is good we're not together. I can't be in a relationship right now. I am so busy with everything and then when I start school it will be even moreso and I'll be adjusting with school and living on my own. Plus, after all of that I'll be changing again. Living on my own is the next huge step in my life. I've never done that, she already has. It will change me. Maybe by then I won't feel like this anymore. I need more space to grow. But our relationship was so flexible I could grow with her. But there I go hypothesizing and I need to not try to imagine "would ifs".

You can see I am going back and forth with everything in my head. Every day it's like that. I'm not sure how this started happening because I never thought about it this much or at all before she moved back for the summer. It's because she's close I think. My receiver is trying to find her. We're so close. 7 minute car ride away. Would if one night I told her everything I feel and we could go slow together and she would be ok with that? Then it would be good. But if I don't then I could be missing out on that. But if she doesn't want that I would feel really bad and weak and upset with myself and I don't want her to know I feel this way if she doesn't. She has never been one to speak about her feelings though and she could never tell me if she wants anything from me. I'm the one who told her I loved her 3 years ago. It was me.

I don't know what I want. All I know is I keep thinking about things I shouldn't. I had a bad week last week about crying for things I shouldn't. And I'm doing better now but questioning my feelings and wondering how she is feeling. And I am scared for my future relationships and about us. What will happen to us? It is strange to use that collective noun when we are not "us" anymore. I wish it sounded ok.