Quietwarrior's picture

so much has happened recently, yet i have no desire to write anything.
Quite strange put i did have my first kiss.
And got intoxicated out of my head.
But i broke up with this guy as after only the second "date" (well i just went to his house) i suddenly felt a huge rush of getting out and i became so uncomfortable in his setting.
Then when i broke up with him - well i was just seeing him and wanted to get out early, as i am honest person when it comes to feelings and it would not get too complicated if i went out quick - i felt so happy!
There it was, i completely contradicted myself, i was happy at being single. Just that so short experience had taught me to not enter a relationship you only have mild feelings about and its okay to be 17 and not have a boyfriend, as i know now ( even though it sounds uber cheesy) that i really do want to find someone special.
I think it ruins in the family, as my older brothers first serious girlfriend's have all been in their first years at uni. I just kinda feel sorry for the boy, as for some reason i don't even want to go near him soon, even though he has not done anything and he has not hurt me, i just really cant be bothered. It would not be even awkward say if i bumped into him, i just seem to have this strange but strong desire to not see him for like a month or so.

In other news i am stuck inside 2 friendship circles.
I have my old friends who i love being around and don't need drink etc to have a really great time, but they bitch a lot and in the summer which it is now (started on friday!) they all disappear without a trace for some bizarre reason.

Then i have this lesbian friend that i have know a few months, who recently became REALLY good friends with this circle from the main college that i don't go too. Problem is that i have been with them a couple times now and i don't think they like me. I think they find me superficial because i like fashion and stuff and also they DRINK SO MUCH, its like thats all what they do and its was fun the first time but i have come to terms that i seriously am not a alcohol person. Even though that seems conservative to the majority of youths i know, i don't give a shit to be honest, as i am quite a hedonist in life, so i am not going to spend all my time on something i don't like, just to please others.

With the group i feel like I am on the fringes of it and i know that, as they this almost have this cult like obsession on Facebook, where everybody in the group (apart from me) likes what the other person from the groups image, status ect. its so annoying as say for example when someone from the group's changes their profile image, i know for fact all the people who are going to like it! Also they do go out a lot, which i want to do because in this summer holiday i have just started now, i want to go out a lot more, but i am at a odd stage where i don't know if i will or wont get invited to their parties and stuff, as i am not in their circle, so i feel like i am just always in the horrible middle ground, where i am almost oblivious as to weather they like me or not.

I would write way more on the situation above, but have no energy to write unfortunately. Also i am rambling, i am aware, but i am typing the truth ha.


elph's picture

Wanna bet?

You call it "rambling," but I'm betting that after having written this you have a more enhanced understanding of just who you are... I mean the nuances!

I like your reasoning... but I do feel considerable empathy for the boy you let go.

I have no way of knowing what the exchange of emotions/affections may have been like between the two of you: The experience, however, was definitely worthwhile... even though it didn't work out the way you initially may have hoped.

I suspect he's a bit less sanguine... :(

As for your ramblings... please continue!

Quietwarrior's picture


yes thats the thing i don't feel much empathy, and thats kinda bad as i know how he feels somewhat with rejection, though i did meet up with him in person and i felt that the break up was civil and i made it as reasonable as possible. Also another thing was that he kept sending me texts like "hey gorgeous" and instead of feeling loved, i just found it annoying! i only meet him on the friday and on the wednesday that is when i broke up, so i had only just meet him and it was just too soon as well and i did not realise fancy him. I think i only said yes was because of the moment blah blah. I hope this does not make a cold person though, the fact i did share much feelings after the "split"!

Perhaps We Should Leave's picture


I do understand what you're talking about. I've had many situations like that and I've done similar things as well. I can't tell you if it makes you cold, because I'm not exactly a shining example of interpersonal righteousness, but I can tell you that you could be a lot colder. I have, at various points, dated someone toward which I felt this and let it KEEP GOING, despite the fact that I found them revolting. I used them for affection and once their thrill wore off I tossed them aside at the first sight of the next mark. Another similar instance I ended with a long, elaborate lie (lying being something I am, rather against my will, something I'm wont to do) in an attempt to be kind about it. It did not end well, and I'm ashamed to admit that I felt pleasure at the pain of my romantic victim. I've come to learn that I'm not even really romantically or physically attracted to anyone, but that I really only seek out intellectual companionship and physical affection (NOT sex). So perhaps I'm cold or perhaps I simply made some terrible mistakes, but either way I would say that I'm not a bad person for what I've done (I've done so much more in my life than hurt people and feel a great deal of warmth for people that I care for), so I doubt that you'd fit being cold or bad.

I have no idea if that is a comforting thing to say or a useless or even harmful, but I'm just trying to help, I promise.

* * *
You'll see him in your head, on the TV screen
And hey buddy, I'm warning you to turn it off
He's a ghost, he's a god, he's a man, he's a guru
You're one microscopic cog in his catastrophic plan
Designed and directed by his red right hand

Quietwarrior's picture


oh no this is great advice and i am glad that someone else shares these feelings as i do too. I just really could not stand another day with him, yet he hardly did anything to me! It still puzzles me now why i have this feeling, even though it was around 2 weeks ago!

jeff's picture


Congrats on the first kiss, and congrats to the lucky boy who got to share that with you!

I don't know that you can "break up" with someone on a second date. At that point, you just stop dating them, no? Seems like there is a period (or should be) before it becomes a relationship. You have no clue if you're compatible with him at that point. Of course, he could be into you, of you could be into him, and the other realizes they are not on the same page. So, better to wait a while before changing your Facebook status or anything. And, it shouldn't be awkward, since it never went far enough to not be awkward (well, then again, I don't know how far things went on your first date, hehehe). I mean, you both tried to see if you could be something together, pretty noble even if it fails...

As for the friend circles, I never was much of a drug user/drinker, but I never had any group that made consumption part of being a member. So, I'd not draw attention to your not drinking or anything, but certainly shouldn't be an issue if you do drink. Also, I found that putting a swizzle stick and a cherry or somesuch into my non-alcoholic beverages went a long way to making people just assume I was drinking, since drunk people want everyone to be drunk at times, so it looks like less of a personal choice they're making?

"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (

Quietwarrior's picture


ah that was the good thing, there was no official Facebook thing or anything and only my close friends know about it, not any of my family, so it was really only a weekend thing to be honest. And with the drink thing, i have started to drink just normal coke and most of them think i have some vodka or spirit mixed in the bottle to, when i don't its juts plain, so that has worked out quite well!