An unsent letter to her. I haven't done this in awhile.
I want to ask you if you ever think about "us". I want to ask you if it's hurting you at all like it's hurting me, sometimes. A lot of times, lately. If when you're driving in your car you ever see us holding hands. If when a love song comes on the radio if you change the channel. If you ever hear "everlong" what do you think or feel? Because it was our song. Because our love was as deep as the sea, I know. We swam in it a long time, my love. What do you think when you see couples? Do you flinch like I do? When you hear them say, "baby" does it make you tense like it does to me? Because you always called me that.
I wonder if you still try to do light fingers on yourself at night when you sleep like you did when you first moved away to college because you missed when I did it. But you could never do it well enough like I could. I always liked to pet you. Do you ever think about my tshirts you used to wear to sleep when you went away? Do you keep my little rock in a safe place? My love letter? Our pictures? Because I keep yours in a safe spot. Out of sight, but safe. What do you think when you see the gifts I've given you? Your cat coin purse. The movies I got you. The little pillow. I saw you were showing your friend the stand up from Louis C. K., the one I showed you. The one we watched together a couple times. Do you ever watch movies we used to watch and think of us? Kill Bill is my favorite movie and I loved when you watched it with me.
I wish I knew what you were thinking when you fell asleep. Sleep was so important to us. The days after we broke up I would still text you when I slept, and when I finally asked, "Does it even matter anymore?", you said, "not really", and so I stopped. And every day after that I felt my heart breaking into more pieces as I laid my head on my pillow feeling the emptiness creep around my body. And I cried. For a long time. I would sleep on my side like I did when we cuddled and sometimes I would hold my pillow as if it were your body. And I would fall asleep like that thinking of holding your hand. I have never been colder without you. You know I loved your small feet and your warm body. You were always my heater. I loved that. I guess I wish I knew if you think about my arms around you. You loved it when I held you at night. I was your protector. Do you miss feeling protected? Safe inside with me. When I would leave in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom you would grab my arm not to go.
Have you ever dreamt about us being together still? Do you wake up and realize you were only dreaming? I dream a lot about us. I don't try to, but I accidentally do. I don't wake up and think it's all okay, though. I think I made sure that didn't happen a long time ago. Before this happened though I remembered while you were up there away from me I had a dream you still lived here and we had to go to the gas station real quick and when I woke up from my nap I actually thought we were going and I was confused for a long time. When I realized you weren't actually there I started crying. It always felt harder for me than for you when you left me here. You left me here. I will always feel a small, tiny feeling of abandonment. I wish I could've went with you. We were supposed to live together up there. That is one thing that chips away at me, too. I'm moving up there this fall. It will be hard for me knowing that our futures are now split.
We always said we'd have the coolest house. With weird curtains from world market. We loved going there to look at everything. And seeing what we would buy for our place. "Can we have these cool curtains?" you asked me one time, "Of course we can! It'll be amazing", and I was excited that there would be something we could build together. I was so excited. I was so excited. I think you have consistently let me down and disappointed me more times than I can count in our relationship. I tried to hide it or not feel too badly about a lot of things. But that. That will always get me. We never got to live together. We didn't even complete that step in our relationship. I will always feel unfinished. Incomplete because of that. It disappoints me now even after our relationship. The sad thing is you knew you disappointed me and you never tried or wanted to disappoint me. And I knew you never tried or wanted to and I didn't want you to feel bad. But you did. And you do. I was excited to have a bed that was our own. It always felt strange that there were two beds for us, one at your house and one at mine. We always wanted to be together. I felt so strongly in the term, "we". It was "we".
How do you feel when people ask about me? About us? Do you tell them? Do you act like it's not a big deal? Because it was a big deal. And everyone was surprised. And I didn't even try to hide the fact that it was a huge deal and that I was a mess for at least the first month. I guess I have no idea how you were affected. You never told me and I never asked. I never asked because I didn't want to hear you say, "I was okay", because I didn't want you to be okay about us breaking up. I wanting you to be sad. I wanted you to miss us. I wanted you to miss me. And miss everything about our relationship. I want to get a text from you that says, "I miss you", because the greatest feeling I have from our relationship as it is, is that I never mattered enough after you moved. I never mattered enough because you never called me or texted me because you wanted to. And we never skyped. And you only ever did it if I did first or if you needed help with homework. And I never understood how you could've felt that way when I was here where you left me disintegrating in my own misery. Waiting. Because I'm always fucking waiting. And I think I always will be waiting, still. I forgive you anyway. You know I can never stay mad at you.
Part of me wants to pursue you. You know I have always been loyal. When you broke up with me though I understood your reasons even if I didn't want to, and I left it at that. I didn't try to persuade you or bother you. Now I am wondering if it is ok to try again. I am scared of letting everything go. I don't want to let it go. Yes, I know, it will never be the same. Maybe I don't want it to be the same. I just want to be with you because I know what we had was so strong and fun that it would be good again. Better. It was so fun. Everything was fun with you. I'm scared because I can't be with anyone for longer than a couple days before I start to get anxious. But with you I was never like that. I have opened up a thousand times since we broke up. I am closer to my friends and other people but at the same time I have turned inwards and I have grown inward a thousand times as well. It is hard for me to be very personal with people. I don't know if I'll ever be able to be with someone like I was with you. I told you everything. I always felt safe, too. We were one, babe.
How long is long enough? Will you ever wish to reunite? Does everything we ever said to each other still hold true? If so, when will it be ok? Do you expect me to come to you? I can't. You broke up with me. It was you. You have to be the one to come back, otherwise I'll never know when you're ready. I have always been the one to wait. I will probably end up waiting again. That's ok. I'm sure it will be worth it.
I want to tell you that I never have and never will blame you for anything. This whole thing has been really great for us both. And mostly for you, because I know you needed it. You never wanted this to happen, you said. Through tears. On the phone, the night you did it. But you did it anyway because you had to. And I get that. I will always be here for you. I told you that. I was your best friend before we dated and I can be your friend now. I care about you. I know your friend just died. The day you told me I cursed the world. Fuck the world for doing this to you after last winter. It made me want to cry because I just want you to be able to be ok without life throwing shit at you. It was the first time I had actually felt anything in a long time. Felt. Like caring. Or love. Or whatever the hell it was. I just wished I could take all the pain it was causing you and take it on myself. You don't need that. I wished I could take the pain my best friend was feeling for her sadness with her boyfriend. For my other best friends. For a couple days I felt again. It was interesting. I don't want to push anything on you or ask you anything because this just happened and you will be sad about that. I don't want to over burden you. But also a part of me believes you don't think about me at all anyway so it wouldn't matter. But again, I try not to guess.
This will be the first year of everything without you. Hippie Thanksgiving. What will everyone say? Your family who haven't seen me in a while, your uncle and friends. I don't want it to be awkward. Maybe I shouldn't go. I know everyone is cool with things, but maybe it isn't my place to go. But your parents love me and my friends went last year and it was a lot of fun so it would be equally weird not to go for the first time in 3 years, wouldn't it? I don't even know. First summer without you. That one might kill me. Summer. Then Fall. And Winter. And I could picture each season I spent with you the past years. Cuddling. Playing in the snow. Swimming at the lake. How does it affect you, if it does at all?
I miss little things. My love. Heater hands. Warming me up at night. Hugging me. Picking you up when I hugged you. I don't hug you anymore. I fall asleep at night being the coldest human alive. Holding hands. Kissing. Staring at you in the morning waking up. Spooning. Sex. Playing together. Cuddling. Laughing. I miss laughing. Sometimes when I'm with someone and I end up laughing a lot I feel strange for not laughing as much as I used to and I'm reminded of how much I don't laugh like that anymore. I laugh at a lot of things, but it's different. It's not real laughter. We were always cracking up together. You always cracked up at me. I loved that. You still do, too. When we hung out together when I went up there to check for apartments you told me you missed hanging out with me because your other friends weren't as funny. They were fun but it was different. With me you always cracked up. I remember that made my heart rise even though I didn't feel in love with you anymore then and I didn't want to be with you again at all. I had missed it too. The thing is I can have fun with you doing anything. We have so many little inside jokes. It's strange that we still laugh at them together now when we hang out but it's different because they all happened from when we were together. I always think about that.
The greatest thing I miss is being in love. In love. That's why I'm afraid to say anything. I don't know if it's "you" or if it's just being in love. I tell myself it's not you. I tell myself that I can be in love with someone else and it'll be good again. That someone will light up my world and I'll forget these feelings I have that I don't know how to describe. I tell myself, there must be someone better and who will love me like I should be loved. But honestly, there was nothing wrong with our love. There were small things we could've fixed, but we were happy. We were so fucking happy. We were that couple that just belonged together. All of our friends thought so. It was perfect. I think it shocked all of my friends. They were all really sad. They loved you. They were also really happy for me. I wonder what they think of me now. I am much the same, I don't let my sadness show. But I know they must know a part of me is empty. You meant so much to me. You were everything to me. I gave you everything. I wonder what people see in me now. If they can see any differences or notice anything. Like how I don't laugh like I used to. Not as much. Like how I can smile a lot easier now and whenever I feel like, but it doesn't reach my eyes like before. I can feel that. I can feel when I actually smile. It's the strangest thing. I know everyone can tell I lost a lot of weight. I tell them it's because of work though. And it mostly is, but it's also because I stopped eating for a long time.
I miss being in love but I also miss you. I really do. I miss laughing with you. And how we always cuddled the best and spooned the best. We were puzzle pieces, you and I. We always said. I hoped the last person you cuddled with felt horrible. I hope you didn't fit into him. I hope you thought about how much better you fit into me. There is something left unfinished with us and I know it isn't just me feeling strange. I always said it was fate for you and me. I always follow my instincts and they're usually right. I miss your hands. I miss your eyes looking at me with love. I want to drive you in my car and hold your hand and look at you like you used to look at me. I don't want you to cry on my pillow and leave mascara stains. I want to make love again in my bed. Because it's too god damn empty just for me. I am waiting. But I am trying to move on. I want to move on but have you in the bottom of my heart. I really do. Moving on until the day you tell me, "I miss you", and I can come back. And we can go from where we left off. You know it is unfinished. I am not bitter. Just anxious. I am not in love with you. I am in love with "us".
Our shenanigans. Our late nights. Our dates. The way we dressed up to parties together. How you fell asleep on me all the time when we cuddled on the couch. The way you kissed my fingers one at a time and looked at me. The way the sun shone through my window in the summer and lit up my blue bottles on the ceiling. Our lazy afternoons. The nights we would make love all night. The nights we would talk all night. The way I would come home or you would come over and we still hugged each other tight every time even though it had only been a day since we saw each other. The way 2 days felt like forever. The way we slept together and texted each other every night when we didn't sleep together. How I said, "I love you" every single night for 3 years and never missed a day. The way my cats would cuddle in between us. How we would take care of each other when we were sick. When I helped you with your homework all the time when you were exhausted and cranky and too tired to do it. I miss small kisses. On the neck and belly and head. I loved the way you squeezed my hand. You loved my kisses, baby. And I loved you. I miss everything. I am doing so well right now. But god, I am so in love with us.