Relationship and Financial Independence (cont.)

Uncertain's picture

It's so hard to meet the right person, sometimes I feel I will never be able to find him. Still with the same boy from a month ago, but things have gotten a little dull. I've told him I wanted to take things slow, and I have. The thing is, he just isn't terribly important to me. He says funny and witty things sometimes, but I still find him kind of boring, there isn't this real natural interaction when it comes to him. He's nerdy and kind of shy, which is nice, but I feel he is embarassed by that and wants to prove that he isn't such which totally makes what is a turn-on a complete turn-off. Paradoxically, I feel he is also a little arrogant sometimes, and that is fine, as I am too - at least not an issuefor now.

I just want to feel the intense kind of love I haven't felt in so long. I never feel that with anyone at first sight anymore. I think I am the type who goes on dates and slowly, madly, fall deeply in love with them until I lose myself before I realise it. Sometimes I can feel it faintly when listening to the right song, but that feeling goes in all directions, it cannot be channelled. The closest thing is dancing and dancing to my favourite songs with my friends in a club, not-exactly-sober, and sometimes I feel so close to them, but ultimately it is not the same kind of love. I want to find that part of me again, but at the same time I do not want to tread there lightly, at least not yet, being careful of what I wish for, as my life has gained momentum again, I have found purpose in other ways, I am getting things done. I hardly care about going out for a drink anymore, yet there is a nostalgic part of me longing...

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I am doing five papers this semester. Class has started for a week already, and I am already feeling the pressure. Already last night, I had to pull an all nighter (on a Saturday too...). I am also organising a political festival on campus for later in the semester.

On financial independence, I've applied for another super cool clerkship as (un)forunately I didn't get the last one - this one is at another preimer law firm in New Zealand. I think I have a really good shot. I attended a function of theirs a few months ago, and an associate in their firm really liked me and he got my number. I heard nothing from him for months, then he texted me (yes directly!) two weeks ago saying positions have opened up and that he thinks I will fit really well with their firm culture and suggested that I apply. He's already passed my name to HR so I pretty much just need to nail the interview. Landing a clerkship there would mean I am sorted for a (great) job the moment I graduate (which is not until 2015 February)! So let's hope I don't fuck this one up this time.

Also, I am running for the second highest position on our student union soon. I have so many things I want to do, but the competition is going to be tough. The pay is pretty good as well, almost $300 a week, and I can still study while working and graduate on time.

For those who are... I think these things would address the concerns in my previous journals. Anyways... going to bed now.

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jeff's picture


You can have a lot in common with someone, be interested in a lot of things, and still lack that elusive spark. Of course, if you're going slow, and not seeing him much, that could also explain the lack of natural flow to your interactions. Can take time to build that up.

If something turns you on, tell him. Easy one. Always tell people what is working for you, it's one more thing for them to relax about...

As for the part you voided out, that sounded perfectly fine. Porn has changed our idea of what normal is, so if it's working for you, just enjoy it... and don't overthink it.

"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (

Uncertain's picture