Running From Invisible Shadows

Sam2000's picture

[Part 2 of "To Live Is To Survive]

I've been a victim, I won't deny it, but I'd rather be a survivor than to stay a victim.

As long as I can remember I've been picked on, so much that it's become something I expect. I also have learned to expect racial slurs, fat jokes, and now hate from other gays.

Being in Special Ed classes labeled me as a "retard".

I've had to use a wheelchair at times because of my physical challenges and have been called "lazy" when I used one because my legs couldn't carry my weight anymore.

In my old blended race community (I live full time with my Dad now) I was "too White" for the other races that made up my neighborhood. One of my oldest friends told me he couldn't be friends with me anymore because he needed to be with "his own kind", even though his skin color never mattered to me.

At a community center that hosts a LGBT support group my boyfriend and I were told we needed to "start acting gay" and lose weight. I'm not going out on a limb saying some of the stuff Matthew and I have done together qualifies as "gay", but we're still "too straight".

I've attended two PRIDE celebrations in my life but this year my family and I after a long and heated discussion (fight) decided we won't be going. Why? My Grandma wanted me to go to PRIDE to get an idea of what the gay community/culture was like, and she has a number of GLBT friends, but the real purpose was to prep me for my Dad's coming out (his diary beat him to it).

Honestly, seeing people running around in their underwear showing off how proud they are to be GLBT has nothing to do with my gayness. Or does a "Master" walking his "Slave" like a dog compare to my gay experience. Guys 5x my age showing off their body hair and calling themselves "Real Men"? Sorry but no.

I'm judging people here, and I know it, but that's the same way Matthew and I have been judged by other gays, the point here is that GLBT's have their own hierarchies and classes, and sadly many of us soon realize they're not "good enough" to the same people who really are their equals.

So why am I writing this?

Recently my Dad let me read a letter that I quickly realized was a suicide note of a kid the world he'd rather be dead than deal with the rejection he faced after coming out, not from his family or his friends, but from other gays that begged him to come out.

So...who wrote that note?

My Dad.

Earlier this year, before we met, I wrote a similar note and so did Matthew. I was saved by my Grandma, Matthew was saved by a total stranger who was at the right place at the right time.

My father was saved by my mother who let my Dad try to make himself straight with know.

I'm the result of my mother trying to save my father because she loved him so much and would do anything for him.

We have all gotten help, and part of that was from the same place.


I discovered this site in the pages of my Dad's diary, written when he was a little older than I am now.

Yes, I and so many others are victims. I won't deny that.


I like that term better. It's a strong word.

Just like all of us.


Oh, in case you were wondering what those invisible shadows are?


Eventually you need to stop running from them.

And yourself.

Thank you for being there,



hellonwheels's picture

The only thing we have to fear is...

fear itself, sam. wise words from a wise man.

I know what you are going though, and can definitely relate to it. Growing up, my mom was a special ed teacher, and many of my friends had similar issues. My friend dash, for instance, was also autistic. Sadly, he did give into bullying a number of years ago. One of my best friends, was in a car accident and has been in a chair since we were kids. So I can relate. Stay strong dude.

Oh, and the other GLBT kids...the ones who pressured your pop to come out? fuck them. Seriously. there is a reason I never go to pride, and it's because it is nothing but a stereotype perpetuating, mindless self whoring out, and people running thru the streets naked or in panties, etc. while there are definitely positive aspects of the great LGBT community there, and lots of resources, there are also a lot of negatives. drugs, drinking, unprotected sex, the list goes on...

Stay string and hang in there man,

oh, and I don't currently have a youtube channel, but I may be making one soon.


Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman