LOOK BETTER QUALITY THIS TIME
Anyways if you were just here for the hair, go ‘head and X out now
I guess I’ve been having constant “romantic stress” in my life since about like, 2009. I dated a kid, my first love, for over a year and, during that, abused him emotionally (since I was young, abused by my family, and didn’t know any better). Consequently, we broke up after that. During that time, I fell into a bit of extra depression, lost all my friends, and hit rock bottom. Then I started getting counseling, broke out of my abusive nature, became happy, and here I am.
But, the story isn’t *really* over.
I dated a few people shortly while I was away from the ex, one “wasn’t allowed to date”, forcefully enticed me into sexual contact, made fun of the way my ladybits smelled (what are they supposed to smell like? roses?) and then left to go see his girlfriend!… funny how that works. THe next one was rather boring and was only interested in kissing- whether I wanted to or not. Yikes.
During the time we were apart, the ex dated another girl- my best friend, and also my first same-sex romantic interest. She then cheated on him. Shortly after they broke up because of said cheating, the ex returned to me and we dated, me being better, and I expected the best.
After all, I was better- the issue that broke us up. Shouldn’t it be better?
Wrong. The abuse that rubbed off on me rubbed off on him. And consequently ruined our relationship, because now his anger issues are thoroughly worse, to the point he’d get angry at me and not understand why and just ignore me.
And god, I feel like an idiot. I tried, through 3 breakups, to keep staying by him, to help him, to get him to be okay like I did when he dumped me the FIRST time.
But, no. It’s all lost.
So we broke up again. And now I’m single. And I thought it would suck, but I’m happy, and I thought maybe I could find new guys to date to remind me that he’s not the only one that I can love/be loved by.
And a few of the guys I liked and I knew also liked me, I tried for.
Two of them that liked me randomly said no to dating me despite the feelings
and one already has an abusive girlfriend (and possibly std’s, or so says his computer history….from her, since she sleeps around a lot)
the only people interested in me currently are older men, and mostly for sexual reasons. The funny thing is, I’ve never found myself particularily attractive, rather hovering around the middle of the spectrum, since all through middle school I was told I was too manly and ugly.
so, uhm… I’mjust feeling really not-self-confident at the moment and kind of still don’t think I’m attractive, even though numerous ADULTS keep telling me I am. I’m not sure why it’s all older people, but I guess I’m fllattered. Maybe I should adjust my age group to older people anyways, since I’m going to college next year.
I don’t know. I’m very stressed out and feeling not-good-enough, which is typical for me when I drop into moods.
I just want something romantic to work out for once and not be so stressfull. I want to be good enough to recieve that sort of thing.
I know it's kinda mopey, but just wanted to write some stuff out.