Synthesis

ElsaGabor's picture

I'm such an irregular writer on here! Kinda frustrates me that I can't muster something of interest as often as many people here do. These past weeks have been pretty chocked full of action and emotion, so I have actual substance to write about (success).

The past week or so was honestly one of the most liberating, interesting, and most needed period of my life ever. Even if some of the things that happened weren't maybe the best, all of it just felt so right. My parents and younger sibling had gone away on a vacation, leaving me home by myself. This called for good times and mischief.

First off, I was in my second week of my job, which was proving to be very tiring work, but the fact that I finally had something that made me productive and feel purposeful (even if it only was for 4-6 hours) has made me really come to enjoy it, even if I have to clean kitchens everyday for minimum wage. But having less time to myself has also really made me value the time I can spend with my friends and actually have fun. Which brings me to a pretty bad confession.

I broke my sobriety.

I know this probably does not come as a shock (pretty sure nobody cares anyway :3 ) but there was just something different about it this time. I'm not really sad, or angry, or unstable in any way, I just wanted to experienced altered mindsets. I am in no way denying that I'm a drug addict however, that is something that will always be. I guess the feelings of detachment and being otherworldly is of great appeal. One thing that I have observed about my trips is that all of it relates back to my childhood, and many of the worries and concerns of my early adolescence seem to resurface. I find myself studying the behaviors of other people, dumbfounded at the strange ways humans behave ( I found cigarette smoking to be utterly bizarre, as well as the act of hanging out with friends. Also, car rides are the most orgasmic things ever ). I do worry that I might fall back into my very habitual pattern of use, but as of now things seem to be in control, and I intend to keep it so.

Now, moving on.

I've reached a very (I feel at least) pivotal moment in my life, where I feel the long desired (and dreaded) status as an independent adult is actually in sight. My childhood is almost over. I worry that with today's economic situation and what not that I will not be able to accomplish my goals. Despite my worries, I still feel so optimistic and excited for the prospects that potentially lay for me in the near future. I always dreamed as a child of moving far away from home and becoming a big success, and now my chance to do so is just around the corner. With a lot of hard work, I think anything is honestly possible (Well, that was cliche. -_-).

I think the one thing I am most excited for is the ability to be a part of the gay community as an adult. As a suburbanite teenager in a community of homophobic housewives, my participation in the LGBT community has gone as far as Pride and awkward handjobs with straight guys. I really long to be in an area (or at least an area adjacent to it :p) where there are other gays around whom I can socialize among. There are other gay kids in my town, but like much of the people here they tend to be rather judgmental and condescending to individuals who don't fit their "mold". I of course expect to find more of that attitude wherever I may go, but at least there will be a bigger pool of people to explore and find those with common interests. It honestly depresses me that I have no gay friends. It just does. But, I'm sure that will all change in just a matter of a year or so :)

I'll wrap it up here, goodnight Oasis dahlings ;)

Comments

lonewolf678's picture

Hey,

I know how it feels to be an irregular writer here Warren, it's happening to me, more and more.

And I do care about your sobriety. Although I probably can't get you to give up drugs, I can say this. Just because you were an addict once, doesn't mean you should accept it and be one all of your life. This can change and things can get better.

And the awkward HJ's with straights. Why do that with straight guys when it's an awkward situation on both sides?

ElsaGabor's picture

It's not awkward for me,

until I see them the next day. xD You do have quite a point on the addict situation, and as much as I would love to be sober, I have difficulty pulling myself to stay that way permanently. I guess self control is a virtue I have yet to fully grasp :/. I really do hope you get back in the habit of writing! I find your posts quite interesting :3 (In a good way of course lol)

lonewolf678's picture

Well,

if all else fails and you wish to quit deep down in your heart, get the help you will need. Call upon YHWH for the help to get help if you need, indeed YHWH hears all prayers or calls for help.

Don't worry I will soon get my writing habits going again in a month or two, thank you for complementing my posts. Your writing is very interesting as well.