The Abundant Life

radiosilence95's picture

It's 8 in the morning here and I should really be sleeping, because at eleven we leave for Colorado. The drive is thirteen hours long. We'll be staying in a hotel in Kansas tonight, then we'll head to Aspen. Last night I went over to Brittany's house and played video games for six hours and I didn't get back home until 2:30. Way later than I planned, but slaying zombies with a chainsaw is just so damn fun. Nothing is better than saving your crush from a hoard of the infected at one in the morning.

Once I got to bed I slept until 5 o'clock and then my legs felt weird. Restless, almost aching. So I gave up on sleep and here I am. I'm almost completely packed and I'm so very excited. I don't travel very much. We're avoiding all of the tourist traps and I can't wait to be surrounded by mountains and forests away from humanity. I'm not going to think about anything but taking in nature. I don't want to think about Brittany or school or my aunt or any of that.

I'm thinking I'll invite Brittany to go to Madness in Springfield with me. Evanescence, Chevelle, Halestorm, and New Medicine will be there, which is so fucking awesome. My dad's taking my sister and I and he says we can bring friends, and Brittany's been a far better friend than anybody else lately, so. Tickets are pretty expensive, around sixty bucks, and she's pretty broke right now, but I would be willing to help her pay for it as much as I could. Thing is, I don't want my dad embarrassing the hell out of me and she'd maybe have to spend the night at my dad's because he's probably not gonna be willing to drive an extra fifteen miles to drop our friends off. It'd just be easier. I dunno how that would go. I'm just gonna invite her anyway. And if she can't pay for it we can always do something else before I leave for my dad's.

I saw my aunt again yesterday. Dad insists I see her as much as possible because she's only got anywhere between two weeks and one month left. I admire her for holding onto her feisty sense of humor. I admire her for planning her own funeral and working on her will and taking care of things and being strong, because if I were in that situation I think I would fall apart. She's stubborn, that woman. My biggest regret is not driving to her house when she was still semi-independent and just...talking to her. Without my dad, I mean. I wish I could've known her better.

I saw a different side of my dad yesterday. He's visited her everyday since she was hospitalized. My grandma, her sister, is in complete denial about the whole situation and won't lift a finger to help with planning things, so my dad has taken the responsibility. There's a lot to be sorted out and he's handling all of it. I watched him take her hand in his and I watched him cry and I watched him shake it off quickly and crack jokes to make her smile. He was...is...fragile. I admire him too.

It makes me think about death and I don't like that. My aunt was baptized not too long ago and I feel like that's cowardly. She's never been religious and now when death is close she suddenly clings to religion just so she feels like there's something waiting for her. I don't know what happens after death. I don't know if we just decompose and that's it but I know that's too hard for me to accept. I'd like to think there's something afterwards. There has to be.

So yeah. I'm taking my laptop with me so I'll be keeping a travel journal here on Oasis, which means journals on a daily basis, so try not to get too annoyed with me. I might post pictures. I dunno.

Comments

elph's picture

Enjoy your vacation!

Colorado's a beautiful state. I presume you'll be visiting Pike's Peak and maybe the Royal Gorge Bridge (nearly 1000' above the Arkansas River)... and many other touristy sites.

radiosilence95's picture

Thanks!

I've heard so many nice things about it. We were going to a certain place...I can't remember the name...but we had to change our plans because of the forest fires unfortunately. We don't have an exact plan of what we're doing and when, we're just gonna roll with it. Which should be nice.

Bosemaster42's picture

Enjoy your trip,

Any time spent in the mountains is always refreshing for the mind and the soul. Good luck with your aunt too. Oh yeah, never mind the forest fires, according to the news report I read this morning, I'd stay away from movie theaters there for now.

radiosilence95's picture

Yeah, I woke up this morning

Yeah, I woke up this morning to a breaking news story about a gunman who killed twelve people in Aurora. Forest fires, insane mass murderers. Perfect timing for a vacation here. Good thing we won't be near Aurora, at least I don't think. I'm really not looking forward to the press dragging out the story for as long as they possibly can. We'll probably be hearing about it for the next month or so.

Perhaps We Should Leave's picture

Death

Death is the ultimate enemy. It's perfectly right to fear death and take steps to avoid it, as your aunt surely feels she is doing with her baptism.

Assuming, as I do, that there is nothing beyond the physical universe, upon the moment of death the person that you once were is gone forever. The chemicals and energy and flesh that created your personality are now in a different position and are something else entirely. The decomposing thing that we all eventually become is not human, it's simply meat. The idea of not existing is impossible to understand so far as I can see, and we always fear what we don't understand. At the very least, I know I fear death. I don't plan on dying for that very reason.

Even if I don't approve of superstition as a means of assuaging the fear of death, your aunt's action is understandable. I suppose what I'm saying (about as clearly as mud) is that to fear death is not cowardly, but to ignore it is.

* * *
You'll see him in your head, on the TV screen
And hey buddy, I'm warning you to turn it off
He's a ghost, he's a god, he's a man, he's a guru
You're one microscopic cog in his catastrophic plan
Designed and directed by his red right hand

radiosilence95's picture

I guess I can come to

I guess I can come to respect her decision to get baptized. I can't really hold that against her and I don't plan to because I don't know what I would do if I were in her position. Maybe at the last minute I would freak out about the possibility of nothingness after death and turn to religion as a comfort too. I dunno, can't say.

Bosemaster42's picture

Death,

is the last chapter of life. Fear of death itself cannot stop it. It's simply the finality of life as we know it. Your assumption of there being no afterlife is logical, however, I'm not convinced of that entirely. Latching onto a religion when you know your days are numbered, although understandable, isn't necessary at all. If you believe in God or simply a higher power, all you need do is speak to that higher power because he or 'It' exists in all of us. I could be wrong, of course, but that's how I roll spiritually. Fear is just one of many false emotions the human mind produces and presents as truth. You should never be so quick to allow it to take center stage. I hope that makes sense.

radiosilence95's picture

Afterlife stuff is tricky,

Afterlife stuff is tricky, especially if you are completely nonreligious like I am. I just...I can't accept that there's absolutely nothing after we die. I can't accept that our bodies just lie there and rot and our very beings, our personalities and what makes us who we are, just cease to exist entirely.

But not even someone with an imagination as expansive as mine can create any shred of an idea of what happens after death. The best I can come up with is maybe some vague paradise similar to a Christian heaven. But does that mean that a vague nightmare similar to a Christian hell exists as well? Or maybe it's like in Slaughterhouse Five and death is just floating through time eternally.