Then who the hell was I?

the_loser's picture

Come on, skinny love.

I guess I feel a little strange. Still better, though. I haven't cried in awhile except I just read my unwritten letter to you on here and it made me cry. You opened up to me tonight a little. I guess it was ranting. About your friends and their problems and it's been troubling you and you've been writing again. That makes me happy. It was nice to catch up a little.

I guess it's strange every time we hang out because sometimes I think about things. I watch your hands when you're talking and I can see them against my lips. And I can feel them on my face. I see your hair and wonder at the strangeness of it all that at one point in time my fingers ran through it. That at one point it was not so strange to lay on the same space and have our legs intertwined. How we sit so far apart now. I am always careful. I'm sure you don't put much thought into it, though.

When you said, "I don't even want to drive home" I wanted to say, "You can sleep here", but that is too much right now. I have always been impatient. I would like to be your friend. I guess it hurts my feelings when I see how much you post about "not having any friends" or "anyone to hang out with or text" when you have never asked me. I guess that means I don't count? But I do. Except not really. I guess the real reason i hate asking anything anymore is because I'll hear you make up another excuse. The way you do. And that's why I started this process of healing and to put you out of my mind. And I've been doing great. And I'm not emotionally hurt by today or feeling sad or anything. It was just nice. I really like you being my friend. We have always had fun. We have always been friends first.

The strangest thing I think of every time is how everything feels exactly the same. Except I don't know you because you talk about people I don't know, and things you've done that I don't know, and I talk about people you don't know and about things I've done. Like how when you're with someone enough and they wear a new article clothing you say, "Hey! is that a new shirt?" or, "Are there new shoes?" because you hang out with them enough. After we broke up it's like there was a catalogue in my head keeping track of everything you didn't know and everything I wanted to tell you. And I stopped doing that a long time ago because we can never catch up. And that's ok. I am scared of dating someone new because committing into building something with someone new is such a process. It is relearning. And someone has to relearn me. It's so much effort when I can just partially relearn you and you can partially renew me because we would have a good foundation already.

What am I doing when I picture how it could be? Not how it would've been. I don't deal in changing events or regret. I mean my mind is altering the now by imagining what i could do to change it now. How laying closer meant my heart rate increased a tiny bit even though I'm not attracted to you but I know I could be if I let myself. Because I know how your hips feel and how your lips do too. How I think it would be easy to lay with you and grab your hand like the way you did the very first time when we laid on my bed. But it's not easy. It's not easy to say, "You can sleep here," it's not easy to say, "Do you want to cuddle", it's not easy to say, "Please stay", or "I miss you" or "Come here", because I don't understand what half of those mean or what I would feel about them. None of it is easy. And it is even less easy to get rejected. For you to say, "No, don't say that", "Why are you saying that?", or "I don't feel that way". Because that would send me back a step further and I would feel foolish. And then you would think I'm still hurting. And then you wouldn't want to be my friend even more. Nothing is easy but I guess I wish I knew what you were feeling. But I don't. And I told myself to stop guessing.

So here I am. I am doing ok. But I knew by writing it would help my mind think things through a little easier. And then I'm going to run so that I can get it all out of my system and think some more. You said you were so tired when you left here and you were going to pass out. But you're not. I know. I guess if I could know one thing I would wish I knew what you thought about at night.

No matter how hard I try I always end up thinking about the same sorts of things when I finally rest my mind and eyes.

I know that time will heal this.

Comments

Dracofangxxx's picture

BUT THEN WHO WAS PHONE?

Couldn't help myself.

Anyways, kinda ditto to everything you're saying. It'll get better, babe <3 c: You're a lot stronger than you think sometimes! C:
-
That's redick!

the_loser's picture

Thanks, that made me laugh.

Thanks, that made me laugh. That has to be one of my favorite memes on the internet hahahaha. I know I'll get through it completely eventually. I'm just impatient, I don't want to feel any of this.

Perhaps We Should Leave's picture

I thought the same thing...

I was was afraid it would be too inappropriate. Then I saw you said it and I was glad.

* * *
You'll see him in your head, on the TV screen
And hey buddy, I'm warning you to turn it off
He's a ghost, he's a god, he's a man, he's a guru
You're one microscopic cog in his catastrophic plan
Designed and directed by his red right hand

Uncertain's picture

Wow, I felt exactly like

Wow, I felt exactly like this about a person once. It's a strange feeling, but an even stranger one to recall...

the_loser's picture

Yes I assume soon enough it

Yes I assume soon enough it will all just be strange to recall feeling the remaining feelings. It is strange for me to know we were in love and that it filled me up.

It's hard to re-realize you had 3 years committed to someone and now there is close to nothing. It is the strangest feeling to think about, not even sadness. Just strange.