Totally Fucked.

radiosilence95's picture

I just got my car back from the body shop today. After waiting for two months, it's finally been fixed. So today, while my mom had a friend over, I decided to treat myself to a nice drive through the country. I selected one of my favorite albums from my collection, Queens of the Stone Age's Songs for the Deaf, and backed out of my garage. I completely forgot about my mom's friend's car sitting in the driveway and I scraped the side of it, knocking off my side mirror and leaving paint streaks on her car doors. Shitshitshitshitshit.

I feel awful. My mom's friend isn't terribly upset, she took it with a laugh thankfully, but still, I am fucked. So like a true hick I duct taped my side mirror to my car as a temporary fix. It'll probably be awhile before I get that repaired; my family is leaving for Colorado in twelve days and I still owe my mom close to a hundred bucks for the Warped ticket and for my license plate sticker. PLUS I'll be needing to put gas in my car soon. I can hear my savings account crying helplessly. God fucking damn it, I am an idiot. Shit.

Some better news: I've been invited to join this organization called the National Society of High School Scholars, which is really helpful for college in sooo many ways. But that costs sixty bucks. Another punch in my wallet's gut. I also got my AP test scores back today. Haha, my fucking Calculus exam. Oh my god. I got a one, which is the lowest score you can possibly get. I'm not too upset about that though. My AP English exam was a four and my AP Psychology exam was a five. Awesomesauce.

Brittany and I are trying to convince our siblings to start dating each other. We've agreed that they would be adorable together. My sister's response was that she thought he was weird and dorky, so no. I kept pestering her about it just to get on her nerves. It doesn't look like a date is gonna happen. Too bad. Brittany and I could've chaperoned them together. My sister's also heard rumors, probably false mind you, that Brittany's little brother is bi. HAHA oh man. Guess he takes after his sister.

I know exactly why I'm so hesitant to tell Brittany about my crush on her. I've figured it out. It's not because I'm scared she'll stop talking to me, it's because I don't want that giddy butterfly feeling to end. I have a realistic expectation of what will happen when I tell her: she'll be fine with it, but she won't feel the same way. We'll stay friends. And that's it. Now, I'm totally okay with that. Not a day goes by that I don't feel honored to be her close friend.

But that's it. The terms of our relationship will be set in stone, everything's tossed out into the open and there's no uncertainty anymore. Once the finite line has been drawn, that lovely giddiness that comes with having a crush is gone. I love that feeling. I love that whenever I'm about to see her I can feel pinpricks of nervous energy shooting through my body. I love that when I'm around her my insides get all warm and fuzzy. I don't want any of that to end with one definite statement: "I don't feel the same way."

It's not like my feelings will be hurt. I mean yeah, I'll be a bit disappointed, but I certainly won't fall apart at the seams. I just...really love savoring these feelings. I've never experienced this before. It's untainted and lighthearted and not intimidating. Bah. I'm still gonna tell her though. I have to.

Man, I am totally digging George Orwell's 1984. It's probably the bleakest novel I've ever read, more so than Oliver Twist. And it's really scary in a special way. Just the idea that a government like that could even exist scares the shit out of me. The idea that your thoughts, feelings, ideas belong to the government is utterly terrifying. Very good book. Definitely going on my recommend list.


Bosemaster42's picture


Sorry to hear about your accident, unfortunately shit happens. It sucks you just had body work done. Sounds like your enjoying yourself with Brittany, so have at it.
1984 is a good read. It is pretty bleak. But it makes you think.

radiosilence95's picture

Yeah. My mom had plenty to

Yeah. My mom had plenty to say on the subject once her friend left, but I can't blame her for that.

I am very much enjoying myself with Brittany; in fact, I've hung out with her more than any of my other friends this summer. Which is very cool.

jeff's picture


I don't think the issue is forgetting there was a car in the driveway behind you. Driving is not a mental exercise. It is responding to real-life situations in real time, so there's really no way to back out of driveway that doesn't involve watching the driveway you're backing out of.

Also unsure I buy the Brittany stalemate being recast as you romanticizing the feeling so much you don't want it to end, as opposed to you're too nervous to tell her. You might be right about the outcome... but what if you're wrong? With a gamble like that, you better hope you're right. Otherwise, wow are you a much more chaste summer than you could be...

"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (

radiosilence95's picture

I wasn't looking behind me

I wasn't looking behind me the whole time, not to mention my music was turned up really loud, so that might have something to do with it. Lesson learned. I've backed out of that driveway a hundred times with no issue and I got careless :P

Yup, I am nervous as hell, but that romanticism comes into play as well. I still have a month a half of summer left. I'm 100% positive I'll have told her before the first day of school. It's an inevitability that I'll tell her, no matter how awkwardly it may stumble out.