Yeah, um, I don't even know.

Super Duck's picture

So, last night, I was in my car, innocently driving along, when suddenly... FCG! She was there at a stoplight. I am 99.999999% sure it was her. Blonde girl, same battered old red car, dumb expression on what I could see of her face... Yeah, definitely FCG. She didn't see me, and I didn't wave at her because in the past year she's been away, she has gone from being the adorably stupid object of my affections to being an annoying girl who loves to commit the heinous offense that is repeatedly being a complete dumbfuck on the Internet. (Someone should really unplug her computer. There's no way she would ever figure out how to get back online then!)

In other news, it's less than a month until school starts, and nothing is sadder. Ugh. I don't wanna go. The novelty of being a senior will wear off after about five minutes, then I will feel pissed off and exhausted, and then by the end of the first week, I will be a complete wreck once again. I know the drill by now. There is no such thing as a good school year for Super Duck. (Well, not at THAT place, anyway. I still have hope for college.) Oh, but I did make a 4 on APUSH!

Found out this douchebaggy guy I know is in New York for the entire summer while I'm spending my days in the middle of the Bible Belt trying (unsuccessfully) to teach my grandma how to not completely fuck up every single computer she goes within five feet of. Sigh. I am sure he will brag.

You know, I've had this horrifying thought about him before. Allow me to share. See, this guy and I both eventually want to live in all of the same cities, and with my rotten luck, what if we ended up in the same one and, against all the odds in the world, turned out to be neighbors or something? Ugh, and he's one of those people who can't tell that people DON'T like him and still thinks you are his friend when he treats you like shit, even if you make it clear, so he would probably bug me all the time. Actually, that's what he already does at school. I am not outright mean to him like some of the people he pisses off are, but I do make it clear we are NOT friends. Sorry, but if you grab me and shake me when I don't do what you want, we are not friends. If you call people I care about "motherfucking bitches" to their faces for no apparent reason, we are not friends. Et cetera.

I can see it now... Fast-forward to the year 2019. I have just turned 25 years old, and I'm living in, I don't know, let's pick New York since I mentioned it earlier. It's a Friday night, and I'm taking the hottest chick ever back to my apartment. She is so hot that literally EVERYONE who sees us stares and drools and is soooo totally jealous, and I am totally about to get some. (I kind of imagine "the hottest chick ever" as a mix between the two actresses Amber Heard and Dianna Agron because I think they are the two hottest chicks ever, so logically the ultimate hottest ever would look like both of them put together, right?) Anyway, so, there are just a few more steps left until we reach my place, but I am so eager that I end up accidentally dropping my key! Unfortunately, someone in the apartment across the hall hears the noise and decides to leave his cave. He approaches us dumbly, throws his sweaty arm around my shoulders, and says, "HELLO LADIES WHAT ARE YOU DOING HEY SUPER DUCK LISTEN TO THIS THING I HEARD THREE WEEKS AGO!" before launching into a long, drawn-out speech about shit no one cares about. Annoyed, I say, "That's very nice," and push him away, get my key, then open the door and lead The Hottest Chick Ever inside. I try to shut the door, but this douchebag pries it open and makes himself at home on my couch, continuing to say words. The Hottest Chick Ever gets mad and leaves because he's totally killed the mood. Then, this guy gets up off the couch, walks over to the fridge, and announces that he will have some of my food, then makes himself a snack before finally retreating to his lair, stepping on my fat, now-elderly cat's tail on his way out the door. That is him. That is something he would do.

...I have a vivid imagination. I'm allowed to say weird shit because I'm Super Duck. It's in the job description.

Anyway, so do you guys have any tips on reading the most boring book on the planet? I read one of my summer homework books already in a single day because it was great, but this next one is TERRIBLE! I might even be the only one who hates it because my best friend said she loved it when I asked, but I hate it so much. I'm stuck on page 30, and I want to cry just thinking about it. (No wonder it was free on iTunes!) I would just use SparkNotes, but remember I'm supposed to be trying to get salutatorian, so I should at least try to read the damn thing, right?

Uhh, you guys, I just found my AP English syllabus for this year, and when we get back to school, we are writing a fucking ESSAY analyzing this book I can't even stand. Oh god, I'm so fucked. We're only taking a test on the one I loved so much I stayed up until 4 a.m. finishing, of course, because that's my luck. Mrs. English Teacher, you are my favorite teacher, why do you want me to hurt? WHY DO YOU WANT ME TO HURT!? ((sobbing quietly)) Oh, well, it's not like I was in the running for valedictorian...

Comments

radiosilence95's picture

Completely unrelated...

Your obsession with Amber Heard made me curious, so I decided to Google her. Holy shit. I normally don't find blondes very attractive, but damn. She's stunning!

What book is it? Maybe I've read it before. I gave up on reading Wuthering Heights last year in AP English and my grade plummeted to a D for the quarter, so yeah, definitely don't give up on it. Most of the time you can get away with a decent grade using SparkNotes, but if you don't wanna do that then I'm not sure. Maybe you could try reading it in tiny chunks. Read a couple pages, go do something else, read another couple pages, repeat. That would take a bit of self-discipline. OR you could establish a rewards system for yourself. If you read an entire chapter, you reward yourself with ice cream. I dunno.

Super Duck's picture

Hahaha, yeah, she sure is!

Hahaha, yeah, she sure is! AND she's bisexual!

It's Heart of Darkness. I will try to force my way through it, but since I keep getting lost and forgetting what has happened, I will probably have to use SparkNotes to fully understand all of the concepts.

radiosilence95's picture

Gasp! I had to read that

Gasp! I had to read that book too! Holy crap it was awful. I usually love classics, but not in this case. That book was another reason my fourth quarter grade was so low...I didn't bother to finish it. The descriptions were so tedious and the print was so small and it was just impossible to get into, and I rarely give up on books. So I definitely don't blame you for not wanting to read it. Good luck :P

jeff's picture

To be fair...

Every book I hated in school, or refused to read, I've read for pleasure as an adult. Best to just settle in and go for it...

You can get free Kindle versions of most classics, so small print should be an issue. Plus, you can read it on your phone that way!

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"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

Super Duck's picture

I'm so glad it's not just

I'm so glad it's not just me, then! Everyone I've asked so far either hasn't bothered to read it yet or likes it. It is SO tedious and annoying!

I am dreading going back to school and talking about it in class so much. Not even my English teacher can make that interesting.

Tycoondashkid's picture

oh i feel you

i read Heart of Darkness too *shiver*

at least it was optional, i like alot of the books my school made us read like Of Mice and Men and Millions

Super Duck's picture

I REALLY wish this thing was

I REALLY wish this thing was optional. It's dreadful.

jeff's picture

Hmm...

Unless Amazon is wrong, this book clocks in at a mammoth 72 pages? What is that, a 90 minute read?

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"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

Super Duck's picture

It's the most boring thing

It's the most boring thing in the universe, and when something is this boring I have trouble focusing on it and end up reading the same thing over and over again...

jeff's picture

So, instead of...

A 5-Hour Energy and 90 minutes ofyour life, you'd rather make it drag out for hours and days? ;-)

Hmm, is this douchebag guy in NYC hot? Hook me up!

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

Super Duck's picture

I'm trying! I sat down a few

I'm trying! I sat down a few nights ago and said I was going to get to the halfway point, but I just couldn't. I read five pages before I had to stop torturing myself. Maybe if I'm lucky I will read five more pages today.

Hahaha, well, lucky for you I believe he has already turned 18, but I really DON'T think you'd like him, trust me! He has very bad personal hygiene and probably has never heard of a toothbrush... or shampoo...

jeff's picture

Hmm...

I may read it just to taunt you. ;-)

Age of consent in NY is 17... err, I mean, yeah, doesn't sound like my type...

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"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

Super Duck's picture

Go ahead if you want, but

Go ahead if you want, but don't say I didn't warn you that it's unbearably boring!

jeff's picture

Wait...

You slept with him already?!

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"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

Super Duck's picture

AHAHAHA NO I MEANT THE BOOK

AHAHAHA NO I MEANT THE BOOK OH MY GOD

jeff's picture

OK...

If you say so... ;-)

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"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

MacAvity's picture

Ugh.

I'm really sorry about all the weirdness with FCG. So, so sorry.

Super Duck's picture

It's okay... It sucked for a

It's okay... It sucked for a while, but when she decided quoting Sarah Palin online was cool, I knew it had been for the better. :( It would have been hard for me to date her anyway because I have no intentions of going to the same college as she does.