diary of summer

angel syndrome's picture

i've had an odd summer, working hours during the week and going to crazy parties on the weekend, putting all sorts of things into my body and talking to a lot of people. i kiss a boy sometimes but we don't really like each other all that much. i went to europe too and saw lots of beautiful things. i can't believe the world is so big.

i guess i feel very lonely though.
i do feel very lonely.

i don't really know why i'm writing this but i suppose that august will be over soon and i don't really know what will happen when it does. i'm going to new york again which is cool, then i start university. i'm going to quit my job because it's too stressful and work in a vegan bakery. i'm working on some creative projects too and other interesting opportunities are coming up.

i'm starting to understand a little about my illness. i think i am depressed, really. i keep going back to the idea of death since i was 13, it's a comfortable place in my mind. i am so ashamed of it, though, i have no reason to want it. i only ever trusted and talked about it with one person and he made me feel awful for it. every time i think of that day i want to cry. some things are really awful, i guess. i'll never do it because it's such a mean, selfish thing to do to the people around you. i don't want to hurt anyone. i just want to be okay but i really don't know how.

i am also terribly insecure. i want people to like me so bad. people tend to collect me, or make me into a myth, or maybe i make people do that to me. at most, i am a memory. but i'm not a very important person but i would like to be in a situation where i and someone else are mutually important to the other. where i'm important as a person, and not as a myth or a memory or something to touch or look at.

i have tried being good to myself recently. i have been eating three meals a day for nearly two months now. even though it makes me feel awful about myself it makes my family happy. i haven't really gained weight but i know my body has changed and i'm not used to it. eating makes me lazy. i haven't done recreational drugs for a few weeks, too. these are all good things but they make me unhappy.

again, i don't know why i'm writing this. i guess i wanted to talk to myself.

Comments

Bosemaster42's picture

The World,

is quite large isn't it? So much to experience it can seem overwhelming.
I'm sorry to hear your so lonely. Perhaps you are not allowing yourself to blossom in the right manner? Often times, most humans perceive life as happening from the outside in. Have you ever wondered how a tree grows? Looking at a tree stump shows you. It grows from the inside out as do all living things. Maybe you should move past your thoughts from the past because they are holding back your true nature. If your perception of the outer world with all these things coming at you seems like a battle you can't win, it's your perception that's wrong. It's quite common for most humans to see life this way. Try not to identify with being insecure. In saying, "I'm terribly insecure" you've given power to insecurity. The only real way to battle it, is letting go of your own self perception of being an insecure person. It's a good thing for you to be eating regularly. Feeling lazy after eating is normal. Exercising(any form) will help you feel much better. Some of the recreational drugs could be fueling your depression, so a decision has to be made there. I wish you luck in school and look forward to talking to you soon.

angel syndrome's picture

thank you, this is so kind

thank you, this is so kind

Bosemaster42's picture

Your welcome.

How are you today? You know, I like your writing. I wish you would expound more frequently. You are certainly capable of more than a sentence or two. I might nibble a little, but I swear I won't bite you.

angel syndrome's picture

i am okay, thanks! you're

i am okay, thanks!
you're nice. i don't like saying much on oasis because i'm worried people in real life know about my writing here.

Bosemaster42's picture

I think,

your safe in expressing yourself on Oasis. I was a little concerned at first as well, I thought I was too old to begin with. Secondly, my username minus the 42, was given to me by one of my 'straight' friends. It's not likely he'll ever find this site though. I hope that helps allay some of your fear.

jeff's picture

Hmm...

I don't think being lonely is uncommon, just often unspoken.

Life is essentially a long series of not knowing what will happen next.

Of course, the trick is to repeatedly lean into the unknown. Most people construct lives specifically to avoid this. They have a house, a boring job, a relationship, and on and on, so that they are for the most part in a consistent pattern. There's something to be said for all those things, of course, but it is important to know when you are stagnating in that environment and when you are using that familiarity to free one area of your life up to do more interesting things.

Most people don't like talking about death, since it is sort of the one topic nearly everyone tries to pretend isn't real. It is also why every religion has some version of an afterlife built into them, so that you can mentally bridge your existence beyond your death. Not everyone is freaked out by discussing it, though. Hell, if you dated Woody Allen, he'd even buy you a copy of The Denial of Death on a date:

He may be the anomaly on that front, though. ;-)

I can't imagine people not liking you, although importance is seemingly hard to gauge, not to mention requiring time. No one important in my life is typically new in my life, you know? So, longevity seems to be a factor in importance. If you aren't having a lot of long term interactions with people, that would seem to make importance rather elusive, no?

As for being a myth, etc., that is always best to combat with knowledge. Sort of like a long distance relationship, or a new in-person one, you don't know that much about the other person. In the interim, you are likely to make things up to connect the dots you do know about. But as soon as those projections are shown to be invalid by that person learning more things about the other, then they update their concept of you to include them. So, if you're not giving enough information, no way around becoming a myth, no?

Even then, though, who wouldn't want to touch you? ;-)

I *wish* I could restrict myself to three meals! But seriously, the more vegetarian/vegan you eat, the more you can eat often and it not matter. In Weight Watchers, they use a system of counting points to determine how much you can eat every day. Vegetables are all zero points. So, a nice salad with tomatoes, corn, cucumber, etc., etc., is all zero points, and possibly zero total if you use an oil-free dressing, so there are potentially ways to eat AND not be concerned about it, as much.

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

angel syndrome's picture

i really want to date woody

i really want to date woody allen

MacAvity's picture

Hey

I don't know what to say, really... just wanted to respond in some way.
I'm sorry you feel this way.
And I'm sorry I can't say I see you how you want to be seen. You're right - I know I at least see you as a 'myth.' You've always been beautiful to me, but never quite human. And I'm sorry.

angel syndrome's picture

i'm so sorry please don't

i'm so sorry please don't worry about me.