i've had an odd summer, working hours during the week and going to crazy parties on the weekend, putting all sorts of things into my body and talking to a lot of people. i kiss a boy sometimes but we don't really like each other all that much. i went to europe too and saw lots of beautiful things. i can't believe the world is so big.
i guess i feel very lonely though.
i do feel very lonely.
i don't really know why i'm writing this but i suppose that august will be over soon and i don't really know what will happen when it does. i'm going to new york again which is cool, then i start university. i'm going to quit my job because it's too stressful and work in a vegan bakery. i'm working on some creative projects too and other interesting opportunities are coming up.
i'm starting to understand a little about my illness. i think i am depressed, really. i keep going back to the idea of death since i was 13, it's a comfortable place in my mind. i am so ashamed of it, though, i have no reason to want it. i only ever trusted and talked about it with one person and he made me feel awful for it. every time i think of that day i want to cry. some things are really awful, i guess. i'll never do it because it's such a mean, selfish thing to do to the people around you. i don't want to hurt anyone. i just want to be okay but i really don't know how.
i am also terribly insecure. i want people to like me so bad. people tend to collect me, or make me into a myth, or maybe i make people do that to me. at most, i am a memory. but i'm not a very important person but i would like to be in a situation where i and someone else are mutually important to the other. where i'm important as a person, and not as a myth or a memory or something to touch or look at.
i have tried being good to myself recently. i have been eating three meals a day for nearly two months now. even though it makes me feel awful about myself it makes my family happy. i haven't really gained weight but i know my body has changed and i'm not used to it. eating makes me lazy. i haven't done recreational drugs for a few weeks, too. these are all good things but they make me unhappy.
again, i don't know why i'm writing this. i guess i wanted to talk to myself.