the_loser's picture

It feels like a memory and summer isn't even gone yet. I guess I wish this summer wouldn't end. I feel like the most content human being in the world these past couple weeks. But I know soon it will be hell. Maybe. I'll be makin' my dream come true and it'll suck at the same time. Always the irony with me. Always.

Gettysburg. I hear it and all I want to do is get high. What would you say father if I took my pipe out in front of you and smoked a bowl? Congrats on the news. But it's still something I wouldn't do in front of you. I'd like to think I keep a pristine image in the eyes of certain people, and I'll lie to keep it up. Lying is not an effort, it comes naturally. Know I'm doing it to protect you. Your image of me. I am still the same.

I lie to be alone. Sometimes I feel sorry but then I remember I am done pleasing other people. It only turns out bad for everyone else in the end. No one likes a suck up. I am afraid of meeting someone because I am too much alone. I am too much myself and all inwardly turned. The presence of any one person for too long makes me anxious, I feel it in my chest just like I used to feel it at parties. I don't feel that way at parties anymore. I don't feel that way about meeting people anymore. I feel it when I'm around someone too often. I feel sorry for the loved ones who want to be near me. I think I used to feel like this around 14. I would dare to say I'm the same essence of the person I was at 14. The same. I am angsty and swimming in solitude and loving it and I hate people for no reason sometimes. But I have knowledge and I understand it for the most part. I think then I was sad. And now I'm just....okay. Content and okay.

But honestly, I love it. I like not wanting people. It's pleasant. I get tired at the presence of my cat, that's how bad it is. Talk about a complete 180 from a year ago. I can't believe there existed the term "lonely" in my vocabulary. When I think about it, I mean really think about it, because I analyze things way too much and way too often, because that's what you do when you exist for yourself, I wonder at the uselessness of such a feeling. How incredibly repulsive the concept of feeling "lonely". And what a waste of time. I am always worried about wasting time. And when you accept the fact that lonely stops becoming a temporary feeling into a permanent existence you learn to embrace it and call it something else. And then you become content with the feeling. I guess the feeling of anxiousness around any one human being is a gift. It'll help me not become weak.

If I meet someone I think it'll disappear. But still I'm afraid. I am two face. When I meet someone, I will be completely different again. It changes me. It really does. I become softer. I'm a better human being, really. I know this. But this is my natural state of being right now. It takes another human being to melt me. Because that's what I feel with someone. Melted, soft. So soft you could mold me into anything you want and I would allow it because in that other state I will do anything. And I think, "what a pity".