I stole a page from your book, and a line from your page, and flew into a lesbian rage!

swimmerguy's picture

Dan Bejar makes no sense...

Really, though.
So I've been mostly absent here, and that's cause I've been on the East Coast for the past week and a half, and Internet has been spotty at best, and I've had other things to do.
No doubt, when we get back on Tuesday I will post far too much again.

Anyway, I had a question for you guys, do you guys ever want to have children?
My answer to a question such as that is usually, I have no fucking clue, I definitely don't want children now, and I have no clue what I'll be doing in my future when I might want them.
But as of now and my current plans, no how, no way, certainly not for 2 decades at least.

There's 2 reasons for that.
One, as current plans stand, I do not want to settle down in my 20's, I wanna do shit with my 20's. I think I'm probably going to college, but after that I don't know, I don't want to settle into a career fresh out of college.
At camp, one of the staff, 26, I think, told me of his brother, who's now like 40, and just settling down to his first real full-time job in his life, after a few decades of wandering and doing shit.
That's kinda what I was thinking.
You know that phrase, YOLO? I fucking HATE that phrase more than any other, because it's so true, and so important, You Only Live Once, and yet it manages to turn that all-important concept into a fucking insipid phrase that can be spouted by douchebag fratboys and high-schoolers to make people do stupid shit.
I'm not sure anyone will be ever able to comprehend the true meaning of that phrase (I guess it might not be true, I have no reason to believe in any afterlife, but one might exist... Still, I'm assuming this is the only life I have) until they're lying on their deathbed breathing their last breaths, and realizing that it's all over, their life is at an end and will have to stand at only all the things they've done up to that point.

And the last thing I want to do with my life is turn it into a routine. People get into routines for many reasons, but mostly because they're easy.
If you already know everything about everything you have to do, life is easy and predictable.
Routines are also efficient, not just at producing work, but at using up your life. I remember much more about non-routined vacations I took years ago than this entire past sophomore year.
That's because all my experiences this past year were basically the same, all I really have are some vague generalities about what every class was like, and the general vibe, but very few specific experiences, they all blend together.

And that's the last thing I want for this single life, so I have things I want to do. I want to hike the Pacific Crest Trail, as well as a new one they're making called the Northwest Trail, I'd like to complete an Iron Man triathlon, and not just feats of fitness.
I'd like to bike across some country, like Vietnam or some Asian country, probably.
I'd like to spend at least 2 years living in a poor country, probably an East African Swahili-speaking country.
I'd like to spend time hitchhiking or road-tripping around the United States, hiking and working odd jobs.

Those are just some ideas, maybe not all good ones, but I'll be able to think of many more in the 6 sedentary years of high school and college I have (maybe 5, maybe I'll 3-year college... I probably could).
And that last one I probably want to do first, and spend my 20's and perhaps a chunk, or even all of my 30's spending a few months or years on certain ideas then moving on, as a way of life.

And it'll be fucking exhausting, I know, but when you think of YOLO, does that really fucking matter? I want to die exhausted.
And there'll be time to rest, probably by 40 or so I'll have settled down into a relatively easy working life, or maybe keep low-grade moving around, maybe with not much money, but I think I'll be able to deal with that.
And after I retire, I want to keep myself relatively fit so I can travel the world once more, more leisurely, but still going.

So that's my general life plan As It Is, and it'll almost certainly change, life doesn't just lie down for you, I could get cancer or HIV or any number of horrifying diseases no matter how good care I take of myself, or just die in any other accidental way or a myriad of other things.
But as you can see, I REALLY don't want to be burdened down by a child, at least not until maybe my 40's.

What fun is a child?
Which brings me to number two.
Going off of my own memories and experiences and the kids at camp who were 8-15, I can say my opinions about the Average Child, some are great, some are terrible, but most are this:
From 0-2, you have an adorable, tiny person who's just cute in every way possible, and sometime a hassle because this tiny person is also very needy and whiny, but you enjoy giving it the attention because it's so cool.
From about 2-9, you now have a young child that is rapidly learning the ropes of life, and making a lot of mistakes in the process which just adds to the whole stress. These kids are still cute, but less so, and even whinier than the infants you used to have, especially since you have to actually make them do more complex things now. There are moments of cuteness, but most of it is telling them what they can't do, in the midst of their mischief.

Until that point, boys and girls are basically the same, but they split here.
Girls 9-13 actually have another flowering period of being basically cute, but gaining intelligence, and general kindness yet uncorrupted by the worries of puberty, boys and sex, and other insipid bullshit.

Boys 9-13 become a whole new animal, because now they have enough intelligence to move from their random mischief before to more calculated mischief, who will do anything for a reaction, and enjoy banding together for hordes of general discord.

Then, girls 13-18 go through a progression of learning about boys and chasing after them, and then chasing after all the fucking bullshit and worries of teenage girls in high school, popularity, fashion, puking in the bathroom.
Towards their parents they're either silent, or openly hostile, unless they want something.

Boys 13-18 transform slowly from the childish mischief of the previous age to a deep-voiced moodiness and silence. They avoid talking to or interacting with their parents whatsoever, unless they're trying to passive-aggressively usurp their authority, and spend most of their time trying to corrupt themselves as much as they can with sex, drugs, alcohol, piercings, etc., just to stick it to their lame parents. (I know this cause I'm in this phase now).

After that, the kids leave the house and only call on the weekends for some trivial conversation in a nod towards openness and gratitude towards parents, until they die.

That's the general pattern I've observed, and you're free to disagree.
Keep in mind I don't blame children for being the fucking bastards most tend to be (teenagers too), but they just are, and it annoys me.

So anyway, in answer to my own question, if I ever get children, it'll be in a long time, probably only 1, maybe 2, and hopefully girls, because the just pre-pubescent girls actually tend to be pretty cool.
And even if I wasn't gay and can't have my own kids, I'd adopt, cause the world already has too many fucking people, and there's just no fucking reason to keep having more for personal reasons when we can't even take care of all the kids we already have.


javier's picture


Your observations are funny though. However, I see no point in "spend most of their time trying to corrupt themselves as much as they can with sex, drugs, alcohol, piercings, etc., just to stick it to their lame parents." It's really dumb because I think parents will laugh at it and tell their kids to corrupt themselves even more until they die from it, at least that's what I'd do. As for the yolo motto, mine is Carpe Diem. I already know we live once.

elph's picture

I've read all the comments below...

and even deleted one of mine. :(

They're all good... however, I think yours is one of the best (even after having read Jeff's). :)

Super Duck's picture

I really don't want kids. :/

I really don't want kids. :/ I haven't ever, really. I don't think parenthood is very suited to my personality type at all. I don't like anything excessively needy, don't have enough patience, that kinda thing. I would much rather just have a cat.

radiosilence95's picture

For the longest time I was

For the longest time I was adamant that I would never want kids. Now I kinda waffle back and forth between wanting one and not wanting one. On one hand, my career plans and just my lifestyle in general doesn't seem suitable for a child. I value peace and quiet and I'd like to do some traveling, and I think being a writer and/or psychologist of some sort wouldn't leave much time for a kid.

On the other hand, I'm going to meet an awesome lady and we're gonna get married, and what if she wants a kid? I think raising a kid with the person you love can be pretty damn awesome. And just...I dunno, having this life in your hands, raising a little human being, that seems like it would be really cool despite the challenges.

I think I will most likely have a child someday. But it'll be a girl and she'll be one of the respectable and well-behaved kiddos, not a brat. And when she's a teenager mama ain't puttin' up with no bullshit.

MaddieJoy's picture

"And even if I wasn't gay

"And even if I wasn't gay and can't have my own kids, I'd adopt, cause the world already has too many people, and there's just no reason to keep having more for personal reasons when we can't even take care of all the kids we already have."
I totally agree. People should try to adopt before they have their own kids instead of the other way around, since there are so many thousands of kids with no families who grow up into "at-risk adolescents" and who needs more of those?
I think if I ever have kids I'll adopt, regardless of my spouse's gender. It just makes sense. And also I don't want to change diapers so we could adopt an older one ;). But I'm not really sure I want the hassle of raising a kid, it takes so much away from the parents' personal lives to have to take the kid everywhere and feed it and take care of it. I think an ocelot or a small pig would make a better addition to my future family, since at least animals don't have school plays or soccer practice or need an entire room and an expensive education. Plus, who doesn't love a pig on a leash??

"It's a helluva start, knowing what makes you happy."
--Lucille Ball

jeff's picture


Bitch, you better not be in NYC!

I go back and forth on kids. I'm totally up for having one or two, but I've sort of put myself in a space where I'm not financially stable enough to be a single mom, and well, there ain't no husband in the picture, so hard to tell... if either of those things changes, I'm down.

"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

Bosemaster42's picture


I think every teenager should take care of a 2-3 year old toddler, even if only one time, for a week. I can think of no better deterrent for teen pregnancies. But seriously, I have thought about having kids but certainly not now. I'm certainly not in a serious relationship, nor do I require one, at this time. I like the idea of adopting, however, I would prefer to be more financially independant in order to even consider it.
I'm still working on finding a partner and would love to start my own business first. My neighbors children always seem to gravitate to my yard, for some strange reason. It never fails, I come home from work and I'm greeted by my dog Ember. Usually, this little girl, Sam, I think she's only five, and she'll stroll into my yard, ask me what I'm doing and why, she'll play with Ember some, inevitably she's drawn to my garden. I let milkweed grow wild amongst the wild blackberry bushes and she's fascinated by the seed pods of the milkweed. Unfortunately, she never tells her mother where she's going, but at least she knows where to find her. If that's the extent of my parenting, I'm ok with that.

Tycoondashkid's picture


for America id say best deterrent is proper sex ed, most Europeans get proper sex ed and we have a much lower teen Pregnancy rate

Bosemaster42's picture

Uh, that was a joke.

I think it's a valid idea still, though. They do teach sex ed over here. What exactly do you mean by 'Proper'? I don't know what the stats are, but I believe there has been some progress with it, but definate room for improvement over here.

Tycoondashkid's picture


i mean as in scientific facts and education in all areas of it

MacAvity's picture


My high school had a program where it would give students robot babies to take care of for several days. Not as extreme as having a real baby, but at least the robot babies would cry and wake people up in the middle of the night and demand feeding, and the students would have to figure out what to do with the robot babies while they were in class and that sort of thing.

Dracofangxxx's picture

I want kids!

But, only one, two MAX. I really just want to be a mother and have that simple home life. It's boring, but for me it sounds just fine. Raise one or two kids right and send 'em out, then I can restart my adventures :P

Also, since I'm trying to be a music teacher... I'll be around kids ALL THE TIME. I already didn't want to be that family that has like 8 kids, but especially not if I'm ALREADY constantly around like 60 of them :P
That's redick!

anarchist's picture

Fuck children. Fuck them all.

I'm never raising a child. That's a horrible thought.

elph's picture


Just a tad bit... maybe?

At least, metaphorical... hopefully! :)

MacAvity's picture


Yes, I want children! At least one, preferably two, maybe even three but probably not. At least one of them I want to bear myself - pass on those good genetics!

I agree with you about living, though, Swimmerguy. Get out and have adventures before settling into a career. However, I think a lot of my adventures I could have with a child. My parents have had more adventures with me and my brother than without us, I think. I don't know how unusual my family is, but it has given me a much more positive outlook than yours in regards to kids and all that. Actually, my mom has said that the older her kids get, the more she likes them (we were and are really good teenagers). So... I don't know. That's what I have to say, for what it's worth.