Hi there. I'm new so I wanted to introduce myself. My name is in the working, I'm searching for a gender neutral name. Right now I'm thinking of Jean. So I guess you can call me that ^^
I'm 16 years old and I'm genderqueer, ftmish. My preferred pronouns are he/him/his; and also any gender neutral one's you can think of.
This is probably the truest autobiography I have ever written.
Exploring my gender/sexuallity has been very hard, but intresting for me. Seeing as I'm sort of effeminate (ok really effeminate) arriving at genderqueer ftm was pretty surprising. If I were male assigned at birth, most people would think I was a tad bit gay and had wondrous fashion sense. Which despite my "female" body, is still absolutely accurate! :)
As a child I didn't really have the "typical" ftm/genderqueer experience. In some ways I did, in others I didn't. I didn't insist on being a boy, but I didn't insist on being a girl either. I wanted to either be Joan of Arc or King Arthur. I played with dolls, and I played with Legos and went through a phase where I refused to take of my Army Pajamas. My passion was constructing buildings and rollercoasters out of paper.
For as long as I can remember, I've been attracted to females. It never seemed odd and it never struck me as attraction until 9th grade. Which was when my queerness became apparent to me. (before I was actually super homophobic.)
My gender and coming into myself has always been a struggle. I've always been really quiet, because I was afraid of gettting judged by other people, especially my peers. So I tried to conform and be an attractive female. As a girl, I''ve got a nice figure. (in my humble opinion) And for me wearing more feminine clothing is like a safety net from being ostracized.
I know that if I wear tight clothes and short shorts and push-up bras that make my a cups show then the people looking at me willl find me attractive, and then I feel safe to be outgoing when I look like other "girls" But that's usually not me. Sometimes I do enjoy putting on more feminine clothes; I feel sexy in them but I don't feel like myself. More like an alter-ego or something. Me shops in the men's the section. Err, the boys section because I'm schmaal.
So. This is who I am. This is the first time I've really been able to out it into words. There is the "me" who most people meet, quiet, polite Maya. Who lives her life walking on eggshells because, well, you would too, if you were a character invented for the comfort of those around you. And she is silent and wears a pretty body and hides her lack of depth behind them.
And there is Jean, or whatever his name is. Who is strong and sensitive and sassy and fierce at the same time. He wears dresses over his bound chest and knows he is beautiful. confuses everyone. Who wears more make-up then Maya, who is butch in the streets and femme in the streets and a darling in the sheets. And he is real. Unusua, but real. He bleeds and smiles like a real boy. He is me, and I think he should get out more.
I am not Jean to any of the people in real life, except for my mother who is working on figuring it out with me. I want and need to be myself in real life now. I'm very nervous about school. My private school is tiny, there are only 49 people in my class and I'm not very popular. Most kids at my school are rich and have known each other since kindegarten and it is not the most conducive environment when it comes to not being an outgoing, white, rich girl. (black poor bisexual transguy here) Coming out would not be a problem for teachers but my classmates.. ugh.
I'm looking forward to communicating with everyone on this site. p.s. give me your opinions about names/advice/ whatevs.