Just some stuff, I guess.

Super Duck's picture

You know when you think your door is closed, so you put on a song really loud and dance spastically around your room, lip syncing dramatically and playing air guitar and basically just looking completely fucking insane? It turns out my door wasn't closed. My mom saw the whole thing. I have never been so embarrassed in all my life. Oh my god. Sure, there are definitely much worse things to have your mom walk in on you doing, but this was still pretty embarrassing, haha.

Hmm, what else have I done? Dealt with assholes at my job who basically told me that I will flunk out of college just because they know a girl who did, moped about how much Wednesday is going to suck, tried to read some more of Heart Of Darkness. (Luckily, the test on it isn't actually on Wednesday, so I still have a little time to finish it.) I guess that's about it.

So, yeah, that's basically my life lately. School starts on Wednesday, which totally sucks. I'm dreading calculus, college applications, and the fact that I have a grand total of two classes with my friends. (To be fair, I have so many free periods, though, so I will actually only be alone with people who aren't my friends for two classes a day.) My friend's got me freaking out because I didn't sign up for physics. It's actually not too late to change, but I know for a fact that I can't handle physics. I'd be lucky to pull a C for the year. I've actually had a couple of teachers suggest I get out of the highest level of science since it's so hard for me. I went for the second highest level, which is physical science. It was still under the "honors" heading on my sign up sheet, and it won't prevent me from getting salutatorian if I can because I already have the 10 highest-level classes requirement down, but I don't know, I guess I'm just not used to stepping down a notch. I'm also worried about what colleges will think. Surely they would rather see a 90 in physical science than a 75 in physics, right?

I'm dreading college applications so badly. Dude... Dude, what if colleges applied to ME, and I just picked the one I liked best? That could backfire, though, because what if good ones didn't apply to me? Um, you know what? Never mind, just scratch that entire thought.

Seriously, though, I'm terrified. I'm gonna tell you guys something I've never told anyone else before. I didn't even want to go to college until 11th grade! I really didn't! I knew my parents would force me to, but I didn't actually want to at all until last year. Now I'm really wishing I had wanted to go from the very start so that I would have had my shit together so I could get into, like, top colleges and Ivy Leagues and stuff. I mean, if I didn't give a shit at all the first two years of high school but still ended up third in my class the last time I checked, who knows what I could have done if I had given a shit those first two years. I would have learned more shit, so my ACT score would be higher too, and I wouldn't have had to get out of physics, which for some reason is causing me great distress. Sigh. If only I hadn't spent the first two years of high school blogging about FCG. (Also, can I just say that in retrospect, I am really, really glad FCG and I never actually dated and also that she kind of just faded out of my life? We are so wrong for each other it isn't even funny. I really don't know what I saw in her... She was cute and oddly charming, sure, but she was also dumber than a sack of potatoes, and all she ever wants to post about on Facebook and Twitter nowadays is how much she fucking hates happiness, kittens, sunshine, and her entire life. What happened!?)

It's so hard to believe that this time next year, I'll be packing my bags and watching this insufferable town fade away in my rearview mirror. I'm going to actually have a life. I'll never be trapped here with no escape in sight ever again. Sadly, I will have to return to visit, but thankfully that's all. I've never been this happy about anything before... Not even when I got FCG's number or when it was my 17th birthday and my mom made a cake that had red velvet cake inside of the chocolate cake. Nothing has ever filled my heart with as much joy as the thought of giving this town the middle finger salute and moving on with my life. It's real. It's really going to happen in just one year. I've waited and waited and waited for as long as I can remember, and it seemed like the day would never come, but it's so close. It's so fucking close.