He told me, quoting that stupid Robyn song, "the only way your heart will mend is when you learn to love again".
It feels weird talking to him on the phone again tonight. He called me from a number I didn't know. I'm no longer upset when he talks to me, or mad, or any other emotion that exists on the fringes of normal human expression. I wasn't even that taken aback. I could hear myself - I sounded like I was taking a business call. He sounded apologetic for some reason. He wanted to know whether I was going to my friend's dinner tonight, our friend's dinner. He asked me if we were okay now?, he asked me I can just tell him if it was weird that he hung out with my friends, he asked me to tell him if I thought it was weird. He told me he wasn't asking for permission or anything, he asked me again if I was going. He said sorry for not telling me beforehand he's coming back from America, it had never occured to him. He said he was leaving again in two weeks. He said we should hang out before he does. I honestly do not remember my answer. So are we okay now?
He hadn't talked to me for weeks before that.
I honestly forgot about him for a while. Life went on, I studied, I worked, I was content. After his call I was a bit unsettled for a while. My heart had that sinking feeling for a good hour, not the depressed-I-want-to-cry kind, but the I-just-heard-some-really-tragic-news kind of feeling. Almost like I was witnessing something else's "pain" that wasn't mine.
And I thought about my boyfriend, the boyfriend I have, right now, my boy, the one who I just saw yesterday, who I watched a show with. I had fun seeing him. And I feel weird thinking of him as my boyfriend. I'm with him but this other person I had loved for months is just randomly back in the country. It honestly felt like my heart was split, but not in a quantifiable kind of way, but in a qualititavely different kind of way. Like there were two different me and each of them belonged to these two different boys in my life, not as separate halves but as a sort of distinct whole. And now these two different "me" are clashing and colliding into each other. So much cognitive dissonance, so much amnesia.
One of them is good for me, and I've made up my mind. I need to let one of them go, if not both of them. Right now, I'm promising myself to cut him out of my life, forever, for my own sake, and for his. My life is more than this.
It was fun, don't come back.