Confusing Situations

lonewolf678's picture

My sister has moved back in again. Along with the baby and her two children, her boyfriend was being a huge piece of shit as usual and he wanted to go single. I'm going to be honest, it really bugs me. No more hanging out with mom because now she never rests. I try to help, but I have no experience with caregiving.

I try to stay out of the way most of the time for fear of spiking tensions without the intention. It's been stressful. Especially the reentroduction of roaches into my home. After the Summer 2012 Eliminate All Roaches campaign we now have roaches and we're trying to spray as often to reduce the number of roaches.

They came as all foreign insects came, through luggage. That really annoys me, it's disgusting. My sister and her children never adapt to our way of life, and as always my mother promises that nothing changes, when everything changes in the end. So many factors and disfunction. I really wish that this shit didn't happen while I was in a new semester.

I'm tired of this shit. I really am, I have a life too and I need my space. My room is my only sanctuary. I can't even lounge on the loveseat anymore because it may have something crawling on it for crying out loud. The smell has also returned and the strewn clothing and trash too. It makes me so fed-up.

And I can't complain, oh no, Allah forbid that the words "I've had enough" come out of my mouth. I would be a blasphemer if such filth spewed from my mouth, I would be as a man vomiting stinking black putrid liquid that would threaten to destroy the peace of every living thing that were to be alive.

An abomination unto the world in which I once called my home. I would be a destable pile of skin, bones and blood with no value than that I know that I possess. All that has been familiar to me has been inverted vertically and everything is changing. I miss the flower scents of our electric odor neutralizers.

I miss studying on a table, I miss lounging on the loveseat watching television with my Mother. I miss my puppy, he had to go because there was just too much going on. I really miss my puppy. I miss all the nice clean things in my house which are now layered in grease. The floor I used to only have to sweep once a week.

Now it seems as if it needs sweeping everyday. I just wish my sister never got with that douchebag piece of shit mother fucking asshole that convinced her to drop out of high school and then get her pregnant three times. I wish my sister didn't make those bad choices. I love my sister but I don't love the choices she's made.

I care about her children, but I don't want my mother to have to be the one who always gets stuck caring for them when my sister has to go do something outside of the house. As if being behind in one of my classes wasn't enough this had to occur. Responsibility has been thrust upon my Mother and I. It's just all so confusing and alienating.

I feel as though I'm a stranger just passing through my own home. And it's only been one week since they moved back in. Studying and hanging out with my friends at my college keeps me feeling good though. I Tolerate these things but it's by no means Acceptance. I remember a time in which these things were like such.

I just try to block it out other times. I know that isn't the answer but I'm working on being a better person because of this.

Shoot me a comment if you want.