daydream

the_loser's picture

Things do feel like a daydream sometimes.
Here I am in this town on my own paying for everything and living the dream and going to school. University finally. My own private place, apartment. A single. It's different from how I imagined 6 months ago, 12 months ago, 2 years ago. But it's good. And I am so content.

It didn't hit me like it should've. It was alright. I'm by my friends now, you know. And some nights I fall asleep thinking of a girl on my arm or in my embrace, but most nights I forget about that. Most nights it doesn't bother me, because it isn't really a bother.

It didn't hit me like I thought it would have all those months ago. The last hump I told myself to get over when this happens! My ex in a relationship. But you know what? She's not an ex to me. She's my friend. As much of a friend can be with someone you don't talk to. But to me a friend is someone you care about. And you know what? I have grown past insecurities. I have grown past naivety, and immaturity. I know I've healed. It's interesting to think about it. It is a shock, a little. But I think that's what she needs. She still has healing to do from what had happened. Maybe someone can do that for her.

I hope I can date someone who doesn't need me to hold them up. I hope I can be with someone whole, and who is an individual without needing aid and can love me with everything. That's how I love. Unyielding. At least, that's how I did. I'm not sure it will be the same. But we'll see, eventually. I needed a whole person.

Here I am! I did it. I did what I didn't think would be possible. A part time /full time job while going to university, and paying my way through it with as little loans as possible. I transferred my job, I found an apartment, I enrolled and here I fucking am. This is the one thing that could've finally sewn shut any unresolve I had about my life at the time of 4+ months ago. I've been waiting for this. I've been waiting to prove myself to not just everyone, but myself. That I can do it. And here I fucking am.

And I hope things end up ok for her. She was really important to me. She deserves happiness like everyone else. God knows she needs a break.
But to the boy or girl it's with, oh man, good luck. I didn't know it at the time but I dodged a little bit of a bullet. Wouldn't have changed things, though.

After everything that has happened though, I can proudly look at myself and know everything I accomplished was my own doing.
And I can say, finally, "good job, kiddo"
Like I've been wanting to for the past year.