Deja vu

Uncertain's picture

One of the weirdest nights of my life. Boyfriend is out of town, ex turns up to the same party I'm at and ended up hanging out with him until now - almost six in the morning.

And he's flying back to America in a few hours. Hadn't hung out with me since he came back many weeks ago. We had a chat, caught up, talked about boys, danced, and some pretty deep things as well. I feel like he hasn't really changed much, and he was a little upset when I told him that - cause he thought he did. I guess people revert back to their old selves when they see the same people. He's still a little odd and strange - a bit OCD - which was what caused a lot of grief when we were dating. He still had the same dance moves, still dresses pretty flamboyantly, still a little judgmental, although not the intentionally arrogant kind.

He said I've changed a lot. I told him about my new boy. Not much. He's still so strange. I know I've said that already - but his mind sort of operates in a different way. Very jumpy, very self-revolving, very presumptive. You either keep up or dismiss it, and now I do the latter. In a weird way it was good seeing him, even though by chance, the last day before he leaves again. We cleared a lot of air, I felt like we were on the same page.

It was weird though - because there was a bit of that deja vu of exactly a year ago when he had to go at this time of the year to begin his studies. It was deja vu because we chatted about things that we used to do, not in detail, but references, and he would tell the same stories. It reminded me of the night right before he had to leave last year, it was almost like he wasn't leaving, except this time he was just a friend.

It was good because we had our own space, we had our own chat, and in a way I had fun. We came to terms with what happened. Sometimes it was my "friends" which made things weird for us. We managed to define our past as adults, together, just the both of us.

And while I seem to care less about his eccentricity, I realise I could never put a finger on it. Tonight once again, he kept saying he wanted to "pay me back" somehow, because he felt "guilty". Like he offered to give me back money, or to take me out to dinner just as a friend, or buy me a nice piece of clothing - which were all impossible things because he's leaving tomorrow - so essentially he is referring to the distant future. One part of me wanted to tell him "you still don't get it do you, what I gave you wasn't just money, it was almost half my savings over time which amounted to an emotional investment, in a time when you needed money because you were saving exactly because I knew you were leaving - you can't just equate that to a nice shirt or dinner, things which mean very little to me now, because I don't need or want anything from you anymore"; but instead I told him he didn't owe me anything. I told him I didn't want his money. I hate it when people quantify intangible and amorphous things like relationships. He doesn't owe me anything - there was a kind of inner peace when I said that, a real form of closure -I've moved on now.

I think the best word I can use for him sometimes is flippant - and a little self-righteous - a little too principled - I thought about what we had and I realised it wasn't all that good. Some of these things caused me a lot of grief, and tied me down - and to an extent I felt like he didn't really care - not in a malicious kind of way - but just in a I should've know better kind of way. There is something about him, he operated on a completely mismatched frequency with me which I had never realised. I saw it now - clearly - little disagreements - little fights - he apologised for the difficulties caused over these things - in a weird way he started to realise he was wrong - he apologised for being a dick - oh I don't know. He congratulated me on all these awards and how successful I've become this year, that's a quote by the way, not a self purported label, he said he was happy for me. He asked me if I eat pork now, he was a vegan and I had once given it up, I said yes, and he looked sad, and I said I guess people change. He also said if I wasn't with my boyfriend, it would've been fun being each other's wingman - I guess so - in a hypothetical kind of way. I did try to "wingman" him tonight, eyeing guys out for him - he also wanted to go to a gay bar tonight - and I told him I know people who were there tonight, but it's probably best to stay with our friend who's having her birthday - and it was weird that he was the one who wanted to go to a gay bar - and it was really quite late. He said it was weird that (by chance), I was the last person he is seeing again before he leaves for America again.

It was a very 500 Days of Summer-esque moment sitting underneath the city lights, while I watched him eat his burger he just bought from one of those burger stalls. A freeze frame would've depicted an uncanny resemblance of the past, that nothing had changed. It did feel like fate, it felt like this was how everything was meant to end, a few hours before his flight, but at the same time it wasn't fate. What we said to each other was not a coincidence, it was a choice, a deliberate consequence of both of us growing up and moving on to bigger and better things.

All I know is that, this is all too surreal - but he is history. I don't think I was happy with him, although I was in love. What I do know is that my current boyfriend really makes me happy, and I feel like I get him, and although I don't love him yet, he calms me down and keeps me sane. All my friends seem to super like him as well, and he's so adorably cute. My boyfriend told me he was so proud to be my boyfriend the other day. I feel like I am really myself when I'm with him.


elph's picture

I can't 'top' this...

You've come so far... and I'm truly happy for you that now as an adult all is coming together for a great future!

I hope that love for your bf develops... but, give it time!

oldfoxbob's picture

the last sentence

The last sentence has the most meaning to you! If that is not love then what would it be...Love is not always flowers and chocolate. Love can be sutler things, like walks in the park together. Or going to Micky D's just for french fries. You said he makes you happy, calms you down, is "adorably" cute. If that is not love my friend then what is? Keep what you have and love it forever. Best wishes. OFB

Genius is not a sign of intelligence, but rather
that of common sense. Humor is the best pain pill.

Uncertain's picture

Thanks guys. He really is

Thanks guys. He really is growing on me :)