Fuck Everything, Honestly.

radiosilence95's picture

So, this entire journal is just me spewing my self-induced misery all over the place to complete internet strangers...yeah. First off, my mom is a bitch. Overstatement? I don't think so. She still drags my sister and I to church, so we decided to make some not-so-subtle statements. When everybody else is up and singing and praisin' the lord, we remain sitting, slumping in our chairs and texting nonchalantly. During the sermon we sit there in a daze or pretend to be falling asleep, or we whisper amongst ourselves and giggle. I don't really give a fuck if it's "disrespectful," even though there's nothing there to disrespect, because you know what? I've been disrespected. My mom disrespects my beliefs by dragging me to church. When I'm sitting there, I feel uncomfortable. I feel wrong.

So after the sermon she walks out in a huff of holy anger, my sister asks if she's pissed, and she says no in a way that makes it pretty damn obvious that she is. It's completely unfair that she throws these fucking tantrums because we've strayed from the family tradition of blind faith. She leaves it alone eventually though, and things return to normal. So we go to a nice restaurant, my sister makes a comment about the bread being holey, chuckles because it's a pun (holey, holy, we just got out of church, hahaha), and then my mom snaps, "I'm surprised you'll eat it then, if it's so holy."

She said it in such a bitchy, contemptuous way that I kinda just wanted to smack her in the face. Who the FUCK guilt trips their twelve-year-old daughter for that sort of thing? How fucking immature and insensitive can you be? At this point it feels like there's a subtle battle of wits and wills between my mom and us when it comes to religion. Fucking fuck, it pisses me off. All these fucking stupid snide little remarks that we shoot back and forth when there's not even a real conversation going on about it. And you can't have a logical conversation with a Christian. You just can't. Sorry if you're a Christian, but really.

So, school. I dropped AP U.S History because I don't need it and the teacher holds our hands the whole way and the class is full of immature sophomores. Now I have early release, so I get out of school at one thirty, which is awesome. I still wanna snap at all of the kids in my World Lit class. On Friday some douchefucker threw a shoe across the room while we were watching a really interesting documentary about the Congo, the shittiest country in Africa, because the teacher stepped out of the room for a second. He thought he was so. Fucking. Hilarious. Fuck people. Seriously.

Judd is still an asshole. The only lengthy conversation we've had involved him telling me he has to appear in court for trespassing. He and some of his friends went on some rich asshole doctor's property to get pictures of spirit orbs and the doctor has them caught on camera. So that's another thing to add to his list of criminal activities. I think we're done. Unless he has an epiphany and cools it with the partying, the group is over. I brought up the possibility of bringing back Monday night dinners, but Katie has a job, Haylee shows no interest, and Judd is just...not around.

It's occurred to me how utterly alone I am. In school, there are always people around, but they're just...there. To talk to, to laugh with. At the end of the day, it's just me. Sometimes I feel it, other times I don't. Mostly I just feel empty. I can't return to my counselor because my mom would demand to know why I need her again, we'd have to reopen my case and everything. I don't want to explain anything to her.

I had an extended weekend because today's Labor Day, so I asked Brittany to hang out. It fell through. Of course it fell through, right when I needed her the most. She made it seem promising that we could do something. I texted her when I was free and...she never responded. She left me hanging the entire fucking weekend, keeping my hopes up. She couldn't take five seconds to say, "Sorry, I'm too busy." So a couple minutes ago I asked her if she had time to do anything, and she said no, sorry.

What the fucking fuck. If you knew you were going to be busy and I asked you to hang out, don't fucking say that you can probably do something. Just tell me you're busy so I don't sit around like an idiot waiting for nothing. I kept my entire schedule clear thinking Brittany would randomly be like, "Heya! Wanna come over and cuddle while we watch Dr. Who reruns?" Not really that, but you know what I mean. I could've invited myself to Jayme's and smoked a pack while eating pizza rolls. I could've even reunited with Victoria now that she broke up with her boyfriend, maybe gone to her house and played with her five cats.

But no. Brittany always comes first. I understand that she sucks at planning things, but come on. I think this is the first time in the year that I've known her that I've been genuinely mad at her. The anger faded the instant she apologized and fed me a list of excuses, but still.

I think I just really suck at relationships. Not romantic relationships, though I'm sure I'd suck at those too. Friendships, family, everything else. I just can't get close to people, and when I do it seems to turn into a mess because I'm investing all of my trust and joy into one person. I can't approach any of my friends and say, "I'm feeling kinda down lately, I need your help." I'm so convinced that they'd let me down. I've tried in the past, opening up to people. Most of them would rather talk about themselves. Or they give generic, half-hearted reactions. So I don't talk about myself with other people. I let them talk about themselves because it's just easier that way.

I'm sorry this journal is long and self-pitying and ridiculous. I promise my next one will be more awesome.

Comments

elph's picture

Knowing a bit about your academic ambitions...

I'm sure that you likely picked up this erroneous construction from some poorly educated teacher:

"She still drags my sister and I to church..."

But... you're not alone... it's quite common... and I truly do not know how this construction became so "super correct"... and, yet, with no justification!

Where did it come from?

If you were the only one dragged off to church (sister is sick... maybe), would you have said:

"She still drags my sister and I to church..." ?

Of course not!

Take a look at Me, Myself, or I? at this URL:

http://www.drgrammar.org/frequently-asked-questions

****

Anyway... please don't be offended! Otherwise, your writing skills are sure to give you an edge when you start composing those (obligatory?) essays for university applications!!!

****

On that church thingy... I'm on your side. But it is truly counterproductive to debate the issue with an adult... particularly with one's mom!

Practice deception!

Be the "good" daughter; you'll find that such skill will often come in very handily. :)

Get to work on those applications...

radiosilence95's picture

Yeah, I know that grammar

Yeah, I know that grammar rule. I've known it since third grade. I wrote this in a hurry, and I was upset, so grammar wasn't exactly a top priority.

If I practice deception, if I play the role of the "good" daughter, what does that accomplish? I should just bend to my mother's will, let her believe she has control over who I am and what I believe? Then she'll think she's won the battle. She'll think I've had a change of heart and she'll think she was right all along. And if she thinks she's right about my religious struggles, then she might think she's right about my sexuality. The two go hand in hand.

elph's picture

You will not be able...

...to "educate" your parents. It's too late. Pressing the issue will be your net loss.

Much more valuable is learning how to achieve the best possible out of a difficult situation. You view this as compromising your dignity: Not so! It may be distasteful to you... but ultimately you're the winner... but not on your terms (as you now see them)... and not now...

In case you don't see it... I'm on your side!

Persevere! One more year and a new life awaits... practice begins now.

Tycoondashkid's picture

maybe try to keep your distance from her for a bit

and you're right don't be the "good" daughter and bend to her whims but also don't go to the opposite extreme either that is a very bad idea

radiosilence95's picture

Addressing both of you.

I suppose there really is no point in kicking and screaming when I only have one more year left. I've explained my feelings to her and I guess that's the best I can do. It sucks though that she refuses to see that what she's doing is only making me more anxious to leave. I'll let her drag me to church, but only because we always go out to a nice restaurant afterwards :P

elph's picture

Spoken very wisely! :)

It's tough, I know all too well!

But I have a feeling that you've got the right attitude.

Just "tough it out" another year! :)

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btw... on that "...and I" as a direct object. I've often wondered why that frequent error occurs only after an "and" (i.e., a plural direct object). The article I linked to doesn't notice this... :(

I've written them asking this question! No response as yet... and don't know whether one will be forthcoming or not.

Tycoondashkid's picture

yeah i agree

its the best course of action

Bosemaster42's picture

Yeah,

It's hard enough having to sit through church every Sunday. Eventually, you'll have the choice of whether or not to go. I assume, of course, you will abstain when the time comes. Until then, it's best to grin and bear it.
It'll become even more of a drag if your at odds with your mother over the whole 'going to church' thing. I didn't want to deal with that shit either, which is why I couldn't wait to be confirmed and be done with it.
I have'nt attended a Mass since then, and I'll only attend out of respect for funerals. Don't worry, freedom is near.

radiosilence95's picture

I'll bear it, but I won't be

I'll bear it, but I won't be doing any grinning. I couldn't make it any clearer that I want nothing to do with my mother's religion, and she knows deep down that this is something that won't change. I think she's just doing this because she knows I'm slipping away, she knows my freedom is near, and that terrifies her. So she clings to what little authority she has left, which means shoving me into the pews just to remind me that I'm not out of the house yet. Twisted, but that's my little psychoanalysis of her behavior.

Bosemaster42's picture

Hah!

Ok. Grimace and bear it. Your right, to your mother, you're still a little girl in her eyes. She knows you'll be leaving for school, so she is likely scared of losing you from the house. No control=nerves. She's doing what she 'thinks' is best for you regardless of your feelings. That's a Mother for ya!