I'm sorry this isn't titled creatively.

Super Duck's picture

I'm sick. Ugh, nothing is more annoying than not being able to breathe through your nose. Nothing. I feel disgusting, but I have to go to school tomorrow no matter what because I have 3 dual enrollment classes, and you only get like 2 absences per class until you fail automatically without, like, a doctor's excuse or something. I need to save those for if I feel like just taking a day off.

Do any of you ever accidentally make yourself sad? I've been doing that a lot lately, and I'm not really sure how or why. Like, I was driving to school, and then suddenly I started thinking about dumb things I did a long time ago, or things that used to upset me, and then all of a sudden I was just sad. That happens a lot lately. Why do I do that? Does that even make any sense?

So, anyway, some school bullshit is below.

Hmm, as for good stuff, I joined this thing called Quizbowl. I thought it was going to be like super lame, but my friend and one of my former teachers begged me to join it, so I did and got some more friends to join it, and it turned out to actually be the most fun I've had at school since 10th grade French class! Now I'm sad I didn't join it last year when all my friends who just graduated were in it because it would have been even more fun! It's basically just answering random trivia questions. The questions can be academic stuff like science or history, or they can be pop culture stuff like sports or film. There are competitions and stuff too, but I don't think that's until later in the year. Practice is super fun, except my friend almost always answers too fast so no one else gets a chance.

Also, there's a field trip soon for the school newspaper/yearbook. That's usually fun. I really hope we don't have to wear school t-shirts like last time because it's at a college, so there are gonna be tons of ridiculously hot college girls around like always, and even though all of them will be straight and not giving a shit about my presence, I still I don't want them to see me in such a dorky shirt. (Luckily it's not FCG's college, or else there would be a whole new set of issues!)

And now, of course, the shitty stuff.

So, I don't think this really counts as shitty or not, but it made me anxious, so I'm putting it here. We had to fill out this sheet with 3 colleges we wanted to go to along with some possible majors. Of course, all of mine were super far away, and since almost no one here ever goes away, I'm sure I will be questioned about it, and I don't want to be questioned. I really don't. I wanted to keep it quiet for as long as I could so everyone would just leave me alone, especially since one of my friends mentioned going away and people asked annoying questions. I mean, my mom had a conference with the counselor's office recently and mentioned that I "would be going up north," and there were no questions, but still. (Also, I noticed how totally out-of-nowhere some of the possible majors I listed probably seem to some of the teachers who might see the papers. But whatever, I have no real passions that I'd want to make a career of, so I just wrote profitable or interesting stuff.)

I also have way too much pressure on me right now to succeed, and the more pressure I have, the more nervous I get, which means I do poorly. IG (remember her?) is the salutatorian right now, and since I'm still third, now all my friends want me to beat her because she's decided she's too good to be friends with any of us anymore. Fortunately she's messing up A LOT in several classes. My mom is pressuring me too. I must beat IG because she is a bitch. I must.

Like, everyone messed up on their calculus test last week, and I feel so stupid for thinking calculus may actually go well for me. The one thing I didn't know how to do cost me 18 fucking points, naturally, and then there was a question I didn't see.

One of my former (non-math!) teachers made a comment about my stupid math abilities that even the teacher who once told me I would never succeed in life found to be a bit mean. She basically implied that she thought I was too dumb to even try calculus, and then later my friend said something else implying the same thing.

I'm sorry, I didn't know stupid people made Bs in math. I've only ever made a C in geometry second semester in 9th grade, and it was even a high C. I even had an A in Algebra 2. Most of the time in math, I make in the high 80s. I mean, I guess an 87 looks relatively bad when most other things are above a 95, but it isn't horrible by any means. The way people talk about me, you'd think I make straight Ds in math or some shit.

It's just harder for me, and I really wish people wouldn't speak as if I'm stupid just because ONE subject doesn't come naturally to me. I'm even working on it too. For example, I study for the math ACT several times a week because it's the only area I need to improve. I'm just slow with it, I guess. I don't hate it. I really want to get better because many profitable job fields require at least some math skills, but my friends just write me off as stupid because I make 87s in math instead of 97s like them...

Speaking of the ACT, I need to study that some more. But ugh, I don't want to. I studied it so much this weekend. 3 hours yesterday and 2 the day before. I would much rather waste my time playing internet games. I'll study it some more this week.

Hmm.. I wish I didn't have to stress so much. I know, that's lazy of me, but really. I just wish I hadn't been born somewhere so horrible, I guess, so I wouldn't feel such crushing desperation to leave ASAP and all the stress that comes with that. I'm 17, I shouldn't be so freaked out all the time. Hell, I wouldn't even necessarily have to be from somewhere totally awesome either. I would take somewhere just sort of okay over, well, this. No one should ever have to live here. :(

I'm gonna go to bed now. I forgot I have to take Brat to school tomorrow, so I can't sleep in since she goes an hour earlier than me.


Bosemaster42's picture

Hey Super D,

I hope you feel better soon. Colds suck.
Never accept the presence of any suffering state for the reasons it provides. Negative emotions, while powerful, need your acceptance in order to hang around. This includes pressure and stress.
Your math grades are better than mine ever were, so don't listen to people who choose to belittle your efforts. Calculus is difficult for most people to grasp, so mistakes are inevitable. I walked into a class once, by accident, I recall it looked like an alien language. I was relieved I didn't have to take it. I think you'll do fine, just don't focus your attention on the need to do better than this or that person, it gives stress a place to reside.

elph's picture

I've written elsewhere here on Oasis...

...on my "take" on the major hurdle students need to overcome when first introduced to calculus. Actually... calculus should be a quite enjoyable experience! :)

If anyone is interested, PM and I'll try to locate the URL...

But, in short: Don't be intimidated by all the new symbols confronting you! They're nothing but shorthand instructions for steps you will want to perform.

The "math" is in appreciating (i.e., understanding) why you'd want to take those steps/manipulations in order to arrive at the desired "answer!"

Believe me... it really can be fun!

Super Duck's picture

I really do hope it can

I really do hope it can actually be fun, haha. I have too many boring classes this year.

Super Duck's picture

I'm feeling a lot better

I'm feeling a lot better now, actually. Thanks! It was a miserable few days, though.

Fortunately, we haven't gotten to the alien-looking stuff yet! This past chapter has basically just been a review of pre-calc.