lonely and lovely

angel syndrome's picture

“Find what you love and let it kill you.”
-- Charles Bukowski

(but that's just the problem, see.
i love the whole world & everyday it breaks my heart.)

Comments

elph's picture

An interesting quote...

...but I wish you could "come home" and give us something that might encourage a helpful rejoinder... :)

Whatever... I really hope you're enjoying university life!

And... of course, your bf... and he, you.

****

btw: That double pic of you crouched in an autumn timber (surrounded by fallen leaves)... is it still around? That was a classic.

angel syndrome's picture

"An interesting

"An interesting quote...
...but I wish you could "come home" and give us something that might encourage a helpful rejoinder... :)"

What does this mean? I might right a more in-depth journal right now...

"Whatever... I really hope you're enjoying university life!"

As per my previous comment on my older journal :
"I'm not really involved with school since I am only here two days a week. I just go to my classes and take notes to get good grades. I don't know very many people at school and I'm bad at making friends."

I don't consider myself to be taking part in university life...

"And... of course, your bf... and he, you."
He's not my boyfriend...

"btw: That double pic of you crouched in an autumn timber (surrounded by fallen leaves)... is it still around? That was a classic."
User page next 24hrs.
That was back in 2010... I've changed a lot... It's not the person I am anymore.

elph's picture

It's not the person you were anymore...

Sad... noted with slightly moistening eyes.

It is such a superb pic and setting! I know... these things seem to happen outside of our volitional control. But you can take some comfort (desired?) in knowing that you're not alone... Maybe?

But... do you have any desire of going back and finding him... if only just a small part?

****

But why must the pic remain on such a short clock? Your recent tattoo, I understand... but not this work of art! :( (You do know that only registered Oasies™ have access?)

****

It would be helpful if you could elaborate on "I don't know very many people at school and I'm bad at making friends."

Try! This isn't the way that life is supposed to work...

angel syndrome's picture

changing...

I was much more child-like, much more innocent and so much less aware of my own and the world's suffering two years ago. I was also not trying to escape it the same ways I do now.

That photo was taken at an especially good and at a very important part of my life - I had begun my post-secondary education, had began understanding so much more about art and writing... I was also getting over my emotionally abusive relationship when I was sixteen and the world felt very new and full of possibilites. This has changed, even though I find myself now in a new setting and new environment... This time my change in education has left me in a more vulnerable position and I find myself filled with some awful lightness (as opposed to weight and meaning, not darkness). I am, in many ways, lost - I hope to come out of this finding a definition of self and a persona which more closely reflects my true state of being rather than dabbling in previous definitions of self... Perhaps the true self is no self at all but rather a community, but I need to give this more thought.

As for the photo, it's is available on some of my older social networking sites... namely lb.nu and my old photography blog. I don't want to keep the link up because it could be tracked up to me. You can always save it on your hard drive. It's also likely in your web history or computer's temporary files.

I tend to be a private person and when I'm at school I'm there to study, not to make friends.

Bosemaster42's picture

The true self,

Is your true identity, it's not however, who you 'think' you are. Being self-aware is the first step to understanding the real you. Most people don't quite understand the plurality of the human thought process. Equated to a spinning wheel, our thoughts, often try to hijack our attention, especially negative thoughts. Those negative thoughts will pass or dissipate, if you remain aware of what they are. Most people allow these thoughts to take the wheel, if you will. Of course, I still consider myself a work in progress.

elph's picture

A well-stated reassessment of being 16...

There's no reason why (possibly with a bit of personal determination) you shouldn't be able to rediscover the euphoria of that time... or, at least, a bit more-mature version of it!

As for the pic... ever since its first posting it's been residing in the upper right-hand corner of my Mac's "Dashboard!" It is art... and I'd like to think that it represents the genuine "you."

I "stole" it without your permission! :(

angel syndrome's picture

I don't think I've ever been

I don't think I've ever been euphoric (sober, at least), but I am looking to find the inner peace I have sort of always been lacking.

You haven't stolen anything - it's online and therefore free game. I'm quite flattered, really.

I've put a link to a really unflattering photo of me on my user page that was taken at a party... I wasn't pleased about having my photo taken so that's why I look so angry (I hate having my photo taken at events like that). I've been wanting to take nicer photos for a while so once I do I will likely let you know.

elph's picture

Not really "unflattering"

But... it does look like you could do with a few more calories in your diet. But that impression may be blamed on the shading/lighting... After all, it's just one pic!

Bosemaster42's picture

Also,

"You have to die a few times before you truly live"-Bukowski

angel syndrome's picture

< 3

< 3

Bosemaster42's picture

Mr. Bukowski,

made so many wonderful quotes, but his poetry is amazing. If I may be so bold, how is the world 'breaking your heart' everyday?

angel syndrome's picture

I'll think about answering

I'll think about answering this question in a journal later.

Bosemaster42's picture

Cool,

No rush.