The title of this journal just gave away my secret didn't it?
For a long time I've been debating with myself and my family and friends if I should ever write about this or not, and with everyone except my Mom encouraging me, I felt now was the right time.
I have Asperger's Syndrome, a type of autism.
And honestly, as hard as this may be to believe, I have no idea what that really means. No matter how many times it's been explained to me, I just don't understand it. I've been told that I'm "high functioning" which tells me I'm normal...or am I?
I've always known I was different, but isn't everybody?
I have some classic autism symptoms:
I can't stand looking someone in the eyes! I'd rather be kicked in my nuts than have to look someone in the eye! My Dad does this exercise where he backs me against a wall and restrains me and then has me slowly open my eyes...I can look at him for a few seconds before I freak out, which is an improvement believe it or not. He's not doing that to hurt me, he's trying to help me, and he is.
I can eat the same thing, every meal, for months at a time without getting bored with it. My Grandma helped break me of that habit, but I still order the exact same thing whenever we go out to eat. At least I eat different things now.
On here I know I sound like a really social person but really I'd rather be alone most of the time. My friends and family have helped me out with that, forcing me to be social. My boyfriend especially has helped me deal with my social anxiety, but I've got a long way to go.
To go out in public I used to have to be sedated, but since I started living with my Dad he gradually weaned me off of the meds and now I can go out and at least function in public. I've never seen a movie in a theater because I'm so easily overstimulated that I just can't handle it, also know as meltdown time. That hasn't happened in a while, but it just hangs over my head, like a invisible monster waiting to attack me.
Most autistic kids don't like being shown affection, but I'm a exception here, as long as you don't press down on my shoulders. I just don't like being restrained, but you can hug me as much as you'd like (please do!).
I have a highly specialized talent that I've decided to never talk about, really because it'll most likely be my career and I'm not sure I want to be out publicly in ten years. Yet despite my talents....
I CAN'T TIE MY SHOES!!!!!!!!! Dammit!
I know my writing style has changed since I started my journals on here, and as I get older I seem to be coping better with my autism and doing the best I can with what I have. Who knows, someday I might just be a regular guy?
Someday I know I'll be able to look someone in the eyes without severe panicking, but that day hasn't come yet.
Someday I'll be able to go see a movie BEFORE it's out on DVD.
And someday, dammit, I'm going to tie my shoes!!!!
I'm not sure how what I've written here will be taken, and I know I'm taking a big risk writing about this. I also know this is not the best journal entry I've done, but I feel better sharing my secret.
I just have to hope for the best.