Seems like somedays I just isolate myself and I don't even talk to my mother hardly anymore. My sister is just always there now. I have to admit things are better than the first few years when she used to live with us, but still it's annoying. It's really annoying and I just eat in my room now because the smell has come back.
Where the fuck it's coming from I don't know. All I know is that I prefer to eat my meals alone in my room which smells familiar and unoffending to my sense of smell. It kind of sucks since I've noticed my isolating myself seems to have taken a toll on how I act and feel. I go to college and I hang out with friends to unwind. Then I act and feel normal.
I just wish I didn't have these new feelings in what used to be a home. I just want to go back to a time when the living room was presentable. A time when there was a coffee table, decorative rug, glass television table, and pleasent smell of deoderizer. I suppose I want to hold on to the past because I have a thing with change.
Especially when change was thrust on to my Mother and I so quickly. I've been managing to cope as best as I can. But sometimes I wish I could just wake up and go downstairs and everything was normal, just like I liked everything to be. Everything neat, organized, and just halfway short of perfection (my standards haha).
I'm not depressed or anything, I'm just don't like the state of my home and that my Mother and I are always just passing by each other with a "hello" and that's all our communication. My sister's no problem, but she's always got an attitude because of her douchebag boyfriend and she sometimes works late into the night.
I can understand raising three children is taking a toll on her. I just wonder why she didn't stop at one. She's depending on us now to help her out since she's without a living space of her own. I just want to ask her so bad, "Why did you drop out of high school and have three kids? And why do you still want to be with that douchebag bofriend?".
Of course you can imagine that I would never ask such a question, but it's always there in the back of my head. I don't know how to describe it, how one could choose to live that way. Some lifestyle choices are just plain confusing. Especially when you see a loved one struggling against so many odds to try and provide for a family.
Such a sorted state of affairs. But either way I'm doing fine and trying to stay above the water in course work for my classes. I think I'm making it pretty well. I'm just going to keep that GPA up and keep studying until the semester ends. It's fun, challenges and new friends and aquaintances....
Uh, I was going to spell check that, but my dictionary had the word Arab which I glanced at and I was like wtf. "2 homeless street urchin" what the fuck? lol
I need new dictionary. Salam all.