Can't stop thinking

MacAvity's picture

I just want to hold you and never let go.
I want to be the shoulder you cry on when you need it.
I want to be there to keep you sane when you lose it.
I want your sleepy face and your messy hair to be the first thing I see when I wake up in the morning.
I want to laugh with you and skip with you and wear silly hats with you and gaze up at the stars with you.

Yes, I want to kiss you again.

Maybe you were off your meds and weren't in your perfect mind and maybe for you that was why, but I don't have that excuse. I was sober. Inhibitions a little broken down by the late hour, nothing more. That was me, and it still is, and it's no different in the light of day. Not to me.
I wish I could know whether it's different to you.
Do you still want me, now that the chemicals in your brain are sorted out? Are you just hiding it for fear of risking what we have and fear of telling the world and all of it?
I just wish I knew.

I forget that not everyone is bi. Really I do. I forget that to be with me, a lot of people would have to question themselves or come out or anything.
I could be your man, if that would help. But it wouldn't help; no one would see it that way.

I've had 'That's Amore' stuck in my head - probably 'cause it seems like you've got it playing whenever I visit. Well, the moon isn't hitting my eye like a big pizza pie, or any of it.
And I've been in love before, or at least I think I have, and it didn't feel like this. Not at all.

So I don't know what to call it. 'In love' sounds wrong; that's not what this is, at least I don't think so. But I love you. And I want... hell I don't know what I want. Something. And I wish I knew what you were thinking too. If you're not even tempted, not even questioning, I can easily give up and let go and stop thinking. I just need to know.

And coward that I am, I can't speak. Can't tell you any of this. I'd need another late night with the inhibitions broken down by midnight weirdness - in nocte veritas, I guess - but then, would you just change your answer in the morning again?

Let's give us time. It'll be a couple of weeks before I'm even here on a weekend again anyhow. If I'm still thinking, or if you're thinking, I'm sure something will come out. We'll see.

I don't know.


radiosilence95's picture

You're in a pretty

You're in a pretty precarious situation. It's always a struggle when you fall for your best friend, even more so when you got the whole sexuality mess piled on top of that. You guys have already talked about it, and didn't she say she wasn't interested in anything more? If she's said that to you, I think you gotta let go. Somehow. Eventually.

MacAvity's picture


The strange thing is that I don't think I've fallen for her. Really I do just think it's intense friend-love mixed up with a bit of sexual frustration and getting confused - and I think she feels the same way about me. From here, well, I'm just going to do what I always do and let whatever happens happen. And it never happens.

Thanks for reading, thanks for responding. Really.