Sam2000's picture

Wow, this is becoming a habit of me writing a journal on here every other week...I need to do something about this!

I've had lots of changes in my life lately, split evenly between good and bad. On the positive end of things my Mom is moving here in November, her studio apartment lease is up and she jumped on a job transfer that happened at just the right time for her. We got a big box of her stuff that she had shipped to us yesterday, sitting in our guest bedroom waiting for her arrival.

I'm really good as second guessing things and her sudden desire to move here is suspect, I mean she always talked about how much she loved NYC and not needing a car and now she's moving back and will be renting an apartment really close to where I live and needs to buy a car? I'm glad she'll be close to me on a permanent basis but part of me is confused by the whole thing...she also said she has a big surprise for me but I'll have to wait until I see her.

I thought there was going to be a custody thing between her and my Dad but she's moving into a studio apartment so that's not the case. I also asked my Dad if she's pregnant? My shoe tasted really bad after that one.

I guess I don't like surprises?

On the negative side my Grandpa's health is going downhill really fast, and when I'm with him he recognizes me but then he'll start talking to someone else. Last night he was talking with his parents, and it was freaky because he was sitting there on the couch talking about a Boy Scout camping trip and moving his hands like he was eating.

This has happened before too. I've been with him while he was reliving his time in Vietnam, talking to me like I was another soldier while he was cleaning his rifle and smoking an imaginary cigarette, swearing more than I do and saying "gook" a lot. I was bummed out when I found out what that word meant. At least he's no longer reenacting battles, which was just plain fucking scary.

The freaky thing is the people he's talking to are all dead. I just sit there and put my arm around him because there isn't anything else I can do, but my Grandma just can't take it, she has to leave the room. At least he's not in pain right now...I keep saying that to myself to cope.

My Grandma told me is funeral has already been planned and that she wants me to accept his flag at the burial service. I asked her why and she told me I made his life complete. She also hinted at how I'd deliver a fine eulogy when the time came.

Dad told me I'd know exactly what to say.

I wrote it today, and dread the day that I will have to recite it.

Thanks to everyone for being there for me.



hellonwheels's picture

That is hard, sam.

I can definitely feel ya on that one. My dad had some similar nam flashbacls, and it is scary shit. I am also the one in charge of writing the obituary and writing a speech for his memorial. Not gonna be easy at all.

Glad to hear ur momis moving closer to you.

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman