Just a continuation of my last journal. Today I tried to pry out of Brittany whether or not she reciprocated my feelings and she kept being vague and kept dodging, so I decided to ask her bluntly: "I want a yes or no answer to this: Do you feel anything towards me at all?"
Even when confronted bluntly, she still tried dodging. This was her response: "One thing that is very true about me is that when I'm dating someone, out of respect for them and out of respect for the sincerity of our relationship, I do not allow myself to think about anyone else in that way. I try to keep myself from even looking at someone else in that light because I know how bad it feels to have your significant other fancy someone else. I love my boyfriend very much and I can't do that to him. I hope that answers your question without hurting your feelings. I'm sorry if it does."
No, Brittany. No that does not answer my question. If she didn't feel something, why not just say so? Why hide behind a long speech? And what an ambiguous answer! So I pushed further: "So you don't feel anything towards me, or you just won't allow yourself to because you're in a relationship? Because those are two very different things."
She said, "Your my great friend Jenna, but I'm sorry that's all." The punctuation and grammar errors, along with the terseness of this message compared to the length of the others, made me realize that she probably didn't want to be pushed any further, that I should drop it. I was scared of making her angry or resentful, so even though I wanted to keep discussing this, I let it go. The conversation ended with me: "Alright then. Just know that your friendship means more to me than my own selfish wants. I'm glad we talked about this."
And she never replied. She dropped the conversation like a hot potato, which, like the rushed tone and grammar of her last text, is so unlike her.
So here I was, thinking that my confession would resolve everything and tie up any loose ends. Thinking that it would put an end to the ambiguity and the uncertainty. Nope. Wrong. This conversation has only convinced me that Brittany does in fact feel something for me too. And you would think I would be on the rooftops celebrating that. Nope. Wrong again. Because it doesn't fucking matter if she feels the same. She's not gonna dump her boyfriend because she "loves him very much." And she's comfortable with him. And maybe he does make her happy when he's not making her miserable. I don't fucking know.
The point is this whole situation is fucked. I would love to keep talking to her about it, but I don't want to push her. But maybe she needs to be pushed? That sounds manipulative. I think right now I'm just gonna let it go and give her space and all that good shit. But what if that doesn't do anything to improve the situation? What if she won't acknowledge her feelings unless I give her a push? She's probably already shoving this under the rug, trying to suppress it, ignore it, move on merrily.
Fuck boyfriends, honestly. I'm at a loss no matter what I do. If I press the issue she might get pissy and I gamble our friendship, if I don't she continues on with her life without dealing with anything.
OR maybe I'm on a completely different trail than reality. Maybe she really doesn't feel a damn thing at all towards me and she just had a hard time spitting it out because she was afraid of hurting my feelings? God fucking damn it, girls are complicated creatures.
I don't know what to think. I don't know what to feel. I don't know what to say.