I'm really in a pickle. And I don't even like pickles.

radiosilence95's picture

Just a continuation of my last journal. Today I tried to pry out of Brittany whether or not she reciprocated my feelings and she kept being vague and kept dodging, so I decided to ask her bluntly: "I want a yes or no answer to this: Do you feel anything towards me at all?"

Even when confronted bluntly, she still tried dodging. This was her response: "One thing that is very true about me is that when I'm dating someone, out of respect for them and out of respect for the sincerity of our relationship, I do not allow myself to think about anyone else in that way. I try to keep myself from even looking at someone else in that light because I know how bad it feels to have your significant other fancy someone else. I love my boyfriend very much and I can't do that to him. I hope that answers your question without hurting your feelings. I'm sorry if it does."

No, Brittany. No that does not answer my question. If she didn't feel something, why not just say so? Why hide behind a long speech? And what an ambiguous answer! So I pushed further: "So you don't feel anything towards me, or you just won't allow yourself to because you're in a relationship? Because those are two very different things."

She said, "Your my great friend Jenna, but I'm sorry that's all." The punctuation and grammar errors, along with the terseness of this message compared to the length of the others, made me realize that she probably didn't want to be pushed any further, that I should drop it. I was scared of making her angry or resentful, so even though I wanted to keep discussing this, I let it go. The conversation ended with me: "Alright then. Just know that your friendship means more to me than my own selfish wants. I'm glad we talked about this."

And she never replied. She dropped the conversation like a hot potato, which, like the rushed tone and grammar of her last text, is so unlike her.

So here I was, thinking that my confession would resolve everything and tie up any loose ends. Thinking that it would put an end to the ambiguity and the uncertainty. Nope. Wrong. This conversation has only convinced me that Brittany does in fact feel something for me too. And you would think I would be on the rooftops celebrating that. Nope. Wrong again. Because it doesn't fucking matter if she feels the same. She's not gonna dump her boyfriend because she "loves him very much." And she's comfortable with him. And maybe he does make her happy when he's not making her miserable. I don't fucking know.

The point is this whole situation is fucked. I would love to keep talking to her about it, but I don't want to push her. But maybe she needs to be pushed? That sounds manipulative. I think right now I'm just gonna let it go and give her space and all that good shit. But what if that doesn't do anything to improve the situation? What if she won't acknowledge her feelings unless I give her a push? She's probably already shoving this under the rug, trying to suppress it, ignore it, move on merrily.

Fuck boyfriends, honestly. I'm at a loss no matter what I do. If I press the issue she might get pissy and I gamble our friendship, if I don't she continues on with her life without dealing with anything.

OR maybe I'm on a completely different trail than reality. Maybe she really doesn't feel a damn thing at all towards me and she just had a hard time spitting it out because she was afraid of hurting my feelings? God fucking damn it, girls are complicated creatures.

I don't know what to think. I don't know what to feel. I don't know what to say.

Comments

MaddieJoy's picture

"God fucking damn it, girls are complicated creatures."

hear hear

The ducks will get you!

radiosilence95's picture

Ugh.

Why can't girls just say what's on their mind? And whenever they do say it, they make it so cryptic and complex.

jazzybchick's picture

mhm :3 -Jazzy<3

mhm :3 -Jazzy<3

elph's picture

I am well-aware how gnawing this issue is for you!

But... it's really best to observe a temporary hiatus in your push for more-definitive answers. For now... just enjoy your mutual friendship.

radiosilence95's picture

That's my plan. I think

That's my plan. I think pushing her would only cause tension and worsen things. I have to let her live her life the way she wants to. Still, it would be great if we could continue talking about this. In person, too, not through text, so I could read her better.

jeff's picture

The first response...

... is completely nonsense. No one stops looking or thinking about other people when they're in a relationship. You just don't act on anything. But there is no way you just tell your eyes and brain that you're in a relationship, so make sure we don't look at who's hot or what interests us. That's sort of like her saying she's in a relationship, so she can't think about masturbating. The conclusions don't line up with what is being asked.

Of course, realistically, you want someone whose panties would immediately soak through when they find out you're interested in them. Someone who's been aching to hear those words, had wondered if it could ever be true, and hearing them now crystallizes and refocuses their life to be open and receptive to finding love with you. When hearing the mere inquiry wouldn't form an awkward word salad of nonsense, but who cut the second half of your sentence off because they were embracing you, kissing you, and smiling. That is what you deserve.

If that person is out there, they aren't going to find you if you're giving all your attention to Brittany. So, I'd stay interested, but you know, look around, too. You don't want to put all your eggs in such a loosely-woven basket.

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

elph's picture

I like that metaphor (or... is it an allusion?):

"...all your eggs in such a loosely-woven basket"

radiosilence95's picture

Yeah, I know. It's total

Yeah, I know. It's total bull. Probably should've corrected her about that. Oh well.

She's just so scared of admitting anything to herself, much less to me. I would be on the lookout for other girls who are less hesitant, if they were around here. But there's virtually nobody in my school who even remotely interests me. Hopefully in college there will be an abundance of receptive girls who won't give me cryptic answers and dance around my very blunt, clear questions.

Everything is up to Brittany right now. I can't make her realize anything, I can't make her choose anything. I'm not letting go of the possibility completely, but in the meantime I am trying to focus on other things. It's quite the challenge.

Bosemaster42's picture

Hmm.

Well, she claims to love her boyfriend and that could be her way of attempting to say she doesn't share your feelings, but Jeff makes a very good point in saying a person doesn't just stop looking or noticing others just because they are in a relationship.
Females are indeed complicated emotionally.(Not intended as a slight)
However, she didn't really come clean on your pointed question. She didn't say no emphatically. I think your right in giving her space, and I agree you should start looking elsewhere. Stay in touch though, because you just never know. You are still friends.

radiosilence95's picture

If the answer was an

If the answer was an unwavering, unquestioning no, then I would think she wouldn't dance around my question and just say so. Plus the way she worded things. Plus evidence collected from the past year. I'm thinking she feels at least an inkling of something towards me. So that's...exciting, I suppose? I dunno. Just gonna let her decide things. Not much else I can do.

If only I was interested in other people. But the girls here are terrible. Terrible looks, terrible personalities, terrible everythings. I'll look elsewhere once I leave for college. That's a year away. Oh boy.

Bosemaster42's picture

There will be plenty of girls,

Once you get to college. A year will go by very quickly.