I have absolutely no idea what to do anymore about so much stuff. If there is somebody on here who knows what I could do or has any sort of advice, could you please let me know. Any little bit would help at this point. Here’s my situation:
I’m a 19 year old lesbian. I’ve known since I was 9 or so, I think. I’ve just never felt any attraction to guys. I can acknowledge if a guy looks good, but I don’t feel butterflies when I look at them or anything. With girls, everything is different. It feels... right. Since i’ve known for so long, I’ve had time to come up with a ‘plan’. I was going to finish high school, get into college, get a job and then come out to my incredibly Catholic family. But life doesn’t like it when you make plans, and always finds a way of messing with them. I was born and raised in India, but my family decided to move to Australia. I moved here when i was 16, finished up 11th and 12th grade in a Catholic school (surprise, surprise). The guilt of keeping this big secret has been building up for years. After my first major crush moved to a different state and stopped talking to me when i was 13, I decided it would be a good time to talk to my mum. I was thinking of ending things back then and that scared me into confessing. So i sat mum down and we talked. It took a long time to get to it, but when we did, mum dismissed it. She said that I wasn’t gay. I just misunderstood friendship and thought it was a crush. And i was happy with that. I mean, this is my mum talking. She has to be right about this stuff, right? But the feelings wouldn’t stop. Every time I started liking a girl, the guilt would build up again. I spent so many nights lying in my bed thinking for hours until I finally fell asleep from sheer exhaustion. So i tried talking to mum again and she told me the same thing. I didn’t believe it as much this time.
When we moved, it was like something amazing had happened. People in Australia didn’t care that I was gay. I wasn’t shunned in school. People didn’t just stop talking to me because of it. I learnt to be okay with my sexuality. That it might change, but I didn’t have to force it to. The entire school knew, but for once, I did not care. I was happy that I had somewhere that I could just be me. That was a year ago, and so much has changed since then. Close to the end of year 12, I decided it was time to speak to mum again. There was this girl that I liked and I wanted to see if she would go out with me, but because I couldn’t drive and had curfews and still have to ask permission if i want to go out with my friends, i figured I would have to tell mum about it at some point anyway, and i’d rather mum knew before i asked her out. Mum wasn’t exactly happy that I was bringing this up again. She told me there was no way I couldn’t be straight. That this was all garbage. That this is a mortal sin and i would spend eternity in hell for this sort of thinking. She made me promise that I would never think of any girl in that way ever again and that if i ever did, she would kill me or kill herself because she did not want to see God unleash the wrath he released on Sodom and Gommorah onto our family. I tried. I really really tried, but my brain had other ideas. I’m fairly certain I once woke up calling out said girl’s name in my sleep.
I finally realised that there was no way i could fight my sexuality since it is a part of who I am. I don’t define myself by it, but i can’t change it either. That was a year ago. Three months ago, things got amazing. I met someone amazing. For the sake of anonymity I shall refer to her as GT. We had met at work months before, but since I’m pretty shy, I didn’t talk to her much until a mutual friend’s 18th birthday party. Seeing her there, something clicked. It was like I was seeing her in a whole new light. When she had to leave that night, it was like there was no point staying at the party any longer. I barely knew her, but I missed her. I ended up finding out she was straight that night. Didn’t stop me from sending her a friend request on facebook as soon as I got home and giving her my number when she accepted. We still flirted. The more comfortable with each other we got, the more we talked, the more we flirted, the closer we got. In about two weeks, she was the only one I was talking to much at work. We went out clubbing the next weekend. I say clubbing, but really we spent a lot of time on the balcony of the club talking. We were checking out girls and guys from there and she said that it didn’t mind checking out girls when I questioned why she was picking out girls to look at. That raised my spirits for the night. Then we went to another club and she hooked up with some guy there and all I could think about was making sure that he didn’t push her too far or take advantage of the fact that she was slightly tipsy. He had me so angry the entire night. I found out later that GT thought that my anger was directed at her.
The weekend after we went clubbing, we went out for drinks after work with a few friends. We spent most of the night talking, I finally worked up the courage to ask her out and she said yes. I was on cloud 9 for the rest of the night. When i was dropping her home, i walked her to her door to say goodnight and that’s when it happened. My first kiss. A moment i don’t think I will ever forget. All these years with that nagging doubt in the back of my mind about whether I really liked girls or if my mum was right was removed in that one kiss. It felt so right. I felt warm and fuzzy all over. It was everything I had ever imagined and more. I was so shocked that I wasn’t getting slapped. Even more shocked that she kissed me back. I drove home with the biggest grin on my face.
That grin faded pretty quick. When i got in to work on Monday, she told me her drink was spiked and that she didn’t remember so much from that night. She remembered the kiss but she didn’t mean to kiss me back. That there was something in her drink that made her do stuff that she never would have done normally. If i remember correctly, as soon as I got home, I went straight to my room and cried myself to sleep. I only woke up when she called me. We talked for an hour and she kept apologizing saying that she really did not want to hurt me and that she was so freaked out about what she could have said and done the entire night and how scary it would have been if it was anybody else. I trusted her. I had no reason not to. I spent as much time as I could explaining that she did nothing wrong and that everything was going to be okay. Needless to say, my mother was not pleased that I had spent over an hour on the phone with her. It was slightly awkward after that, but we worked through it.
Then suddenly two weeks after that, she freaked out again. Really badly. She was really sharp with me and kept saying that I had betrayed her trust when i kissed her. She kept calling me a creepy stalker and I hated hearing that. I really really liked her by this point and to hear her call me that stuff hurt a lot. So i did the one thing I could do. I gave her space. It was way too tempting to message her on facebook or text her, so i unfriended her and deleted her number. It was one of the hardest things i’ve had to do. To cut off all contact from her hurt so bad and I couldn’t figure out why it hurt so much. We’d only known each other for a month and a half. It shouldn’t have been that hard, even though i liked her a lot. In the meantime, I found out two of my aunts knew about my sexuality. I had told my older cousins as i thought they were ready, but i figured I would tell the older generation all at once. Thank you life, for messing with my plan again.
Maybe two weeks later, all the people at work met up for dinner at one of my aunts’ houses. Obviously GT was there too, but all of a sudden she was really nice. She wanted to sit next to me and talk to me. Our friends picked up on us moving together subconsciously when there was a beat. We hadn’t realised it, but when my cousin put some music on, we were moving in exactly the same way in time with the music. It was like we were in sync. Hard as it was to reconnect, we started talking again. This was about a week before my birthday.
When she found out that i had completely cut off all ways of communicating with her, she was pretty shocked that it had gotten that bad. We ended up promising each other that we would work through it next time and that we would never let it get to that stage again. She gave me her phone number again and if I thought we were close before, I had no idea what was coming. We could not stop texting each other after. Texts, phone calls, emails, we were talking all the time. That was a month ago. Maybe three weeks ago, she admitted that she liked me. As more than a friend. That she liked me a lot. Soon after, mum found out how much we were texting each other and she flipped out. She took my phone away and noticed the constant flirting. She forced me to promise that I would not talk to or see GT ever again and even sent GT a message from my phone telling her not to talk to me anymore. I was going to comply. We met each Monday in the university we both go to. I was going to give GT a peck on the cheek, tell her I was sorry and that I love her (Yeah, I knew then that this wasn’t just some crush. I couldn’t imagine life without her. I get butterflies when I see her, I can’t keep this massive grin off my face every time I see her or talk to her or think about her. She is constantly going through my mind. Day in and day out, she is all I think about. I don’t know if i’m going to stay in love with her my entire life, but it sure feels like I will) and then I was going to go up to the third floor of the building and jump off the balcony. I couldn’t imagine a life without her and it seemed like she was going to listen to my mum. Then she walked in and gave me this look and I realised I couldn’t say goodbye. I couldn’t jump off that building. I couldn’t give up on her. She skipped her class and we talked. A lot. She was happy to keep talking to me, but my mum scared her.
So we kept talking. We even planned a future together. We were going to move in to an apartment together and blast music in the mornings and dance and sing at the top of our lungs and I would go off to work while she painted our apartment walls and ran her tea shop. It was going to be perfect because it was so typically us. It got to the point where we were deciding on what would be in the apartment before I asked her out again. By this point, she had realised that she really did like me a lot too and she said yes. We had to promise that we would always talk through everything and that if we ever broke up, we would still stay really close friends. Her sisters were happy that we were finally an item because we both made each other so happy. She had started drawing again, I had started writing again. It was bliss. Our first time out together as a couple, we went out with a group of people to a club. We spent the entire night together. I didn’t even feel jealous when her ex came up to talk to her because i knew we were together and I could see in her eyes that she loves me too, even if she was scared to tell me that yet. After we left the club, I drove her to her house and we stayed in my car talking for two hours, up until the sun rose.
When i got home from the most amazing night of my life, mum was waiting for me. She knew what was going on. She knew where i was. I thought my mum had flipped out to the max before, but this time beat that. I thought she was going to go insane. I’m not even kidding. It got so bad we had to call the rest of our family over to try and sort something out. I spent the rest of that weekend at my godfather’s house. I couldn’t even contact GT because my grandmother took my phone and GT’s phone was in my car where she had accidentally left it. The entire weekend i had family telling me to try it with a guy. To try everything with a guy. Physically and emotionally. I kept trying to tell them that I wouldn’t want to lose my girlfriend. One aunt actually suggested that I do this stuff and not tell GT. My family wanted me to cheat on my girlfriend without telling her anything. No way in hell was i going to do that. They said that either I do that or my mum dies of a heart attack.
I should probably mention a little about my mum. She’s a single parent. My father left when i was a week old, so she’s raised me on her own. She really loved my father, but the jerk didn’t want to stick around. I became her entire life. She made a lot of sacrifices for me. And i know that. I realise how much I mean to her. And i want to do right by her.
GT broke up with me on Monday. She said that I needed to figure out my family issues before we could figure out stuff together. She’s right. As usual. But we love each other so much and this is extremely hard on both of us. She’s hurting. Maybe even more than me. And I hate seeing her upset. I hate what this is doing to her.
So i guess this is what I need your advice on. Which do I choose? My family? Or the one person who can make me happier than I have ever been? Should I try stuff with guys? Should I leave home and never look back? Thoughts would be greatly appreciated.