Well, the exchange student of the last week and a half left today.
First thing's first, I'm sure you're all wondering, yes, he was hot, gorgeous, all the Austrian exchange guys were gorgeous.
Another thing, they were all taller than me. Now, I know I'm like short, like 5'8", but they every one were inches higher.
One was 6'6".
What was it like?
Well, today, he left, and that ended up leaving me about 10X as depressed as I thought I'd be.
It was more work for me than I thought, tougher to get homework and all the extracurriculars in with the exchange as well as the Germany application. (If you didn't know, I'm applying to a program to spend next year in Germany, the application is huge, multilayered, and complex).
Like I was always doing shit with him, trying to let him have a good time.
Which made doing homework super lame.
So, even though it was harder than I expected, and I was always busy, it was so totally totally worth it.
My brother left a year and a bit ago for college, and that, really, was pretty hard for me. I was really close with my brother, way closer than I am to either of my parents, and I all of a sudden had to reconcile that I'll never see him with the same regularity as living in the same house, again. (Well, I suppose no one knows what the future holds, there's no telling what we might be doing together in the future, but yeah)
But that fades over time.
And yet, I just realized how much I've been missing. Having Heli (his nickname) here, sharing in everything I do, even for just the past week and a half, with his sexy accent and foreign-ness, was delightful.
He was always someone to spend time with, that I liked, that was always around. (I don't hang out with friends that much outside of school. I'm always the one trying to organize things, but it usually doesn't work out...)
It was potent enough to make me mostly forget masturbating for a week and a half.
Which makes me realize a few things:
I'm now set, absolutely set, on applying for the Germany scholarship. If I don't make it, I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do. But I'm not going to think about that too much.
I need friends, people in my life. Not a lot of acquaintance-friends, just a few close people that I can share things.
And I was thinking, about goodbyes. I had to say goodbye today to Heli. He offered a shake, I just went for the hug. That was a good hug.
But anyway, about goodbyes, like when I go to camp, or any other time goodbyes are happening with people who've connected, people always try to prolong them as long as humanly possible, even though they're uncomfortable and distressing.
And I know why, they're trying to get in as much as they can, to make up for any unappreciative things they may have done while that person was there and not just about to leave, when they weren't thinking about they're imminent departure.
It seems kinda ridiculous, this is something pretty much everyone does, all the time, in their interactions with people, they forget people aren't permanent. They change, and they leave, and they die.
We treat others with glibness, secure they'll be there forever to apologize to and make up, and the vast majority of the time, they will be.
And yet, when it comes to say goodbye, those are the things we feel bad for, try to make up for in our last minutes with this person we've connected with.
It seems so fucking childish, and yet hard to avoid. I think remembering the non-permanence of the people in your life might be the very hardest to live out, of the principles I try to live by.