Mmm.

radiosilence95's picture

I've decided to go back to therapy. I know I'm not exactly in dire need of serious psychological help, but I'm alone. My relationship with my therapist, as I've said before, isn't exactly client/therapist, but almost leans towards a friendship. I just want to ramble incessantly about things and just have someone help me sort it all out, or maybe reword what I say in a way that makes more sense. I'm sure I won't be going too frequently. I just barely managed to convince my mom to let us reopen the case. She didn't see a need for me to go back. Maybe there isn't a need. I don't know.

Speaking of my mom, we had another talk about my sexuality. She said exactly what I needed to hear: that she loves me no matter what, that she acknowledges this as more than a fleeting high-school phase, that she's going to support me. She feels guilty because she doesn't want to hide anything from my family anymore. She says my lack of traditional religious beliefs would be more disturbing to them than my sexuality. I don't give a fuck about them though, and I don't intend to tell them anything just to start a shitstorm. I'm just glad she's more open about this.

I've mostly sorted things out with Brittany now. We've had another conversation about my confession. I deleted everything we said, but basically I posted a depressing tweet and she texted me and asked me if I was alright, so I took the opportunity to tell her that my telling her everything made me feel worse. So we talked, and she said that "It's okay to want it, but it's not okay to expect it."

And that gave me all the clarity I needed. I understand now that it doesn't matter whether or not she has feelings towards me. It doesn't matter if I'd be better for her than her boyfriend, and it doesn't matter how much she complains about him or how miserable he can make her. None of that matters because everything is her decision, and her choice is to stay with him and not pursue anything further with our friendship. That's it. Over. Done. No more over-analyzing, no more decoding, and no more wondering. Nothing's going to happen. We're close friends and that's that. I'm not going to think about the dynamics of their relationship or whether or not she feels anything towards me anymore. It doesn't matter.

She told me that she's had a few friends who confessed feelings for her and then abandoned her because she told them she didn't feel the same, which basically told her they only ever valued her as a dating interest, not as a friend. I told her I don't want to be like that, that I'm going to be here for her as long as she wants me here. And that's true. I don't want to be like them. I'm going to be the greatest friend I can be. The feelings are lingering, and they most likely will for awhile, and that's okay. I hold no resentment towards her for anything. She's proven to me what an amazing young woman she is, and that's enough for me.

So that's it. That's the end of this long, dragged-out, one-sided love saga. I'm okay. Disappointed, but okay.

I have a dinner and movie date with my dad tonight. I'm looking forward to it. Five years I spent pushing him away when he was on my side the whole time. I'm glad things are better between us.

Comments

Lehcure's picture

I'm glad to know things have

I'm glad to know things have been clarified with Brittany! ..and your mom supports you, and things are better with your dad. Based off those events, things seem good. Keep up the good work.

radiosilence95's picture

Yeah, I'm pretty glad the

Yeah, I'm pretty glad the whole situation with her has been clarified. Good things have been happening, and yet I still feel lonely enough to go back to therapy. Ah, well.

Lehcure's picture

Loneliness was definitely a

Loneliness was definitely a factor while I was in high school, too. That's why I joined Oasis. It'll lessen in college especially if you plan on living in the dorms. At that point, having even an ounce of alone time will be cherished. In the meantime, you can write more poems, if you want :)

elph's picture

Get that college admission!

Once you find yourself in such a liberating environment, everything will fall in place!

Just be patient a bit longer...

radiosilence95's picture

My top college starts

My top college starts reviewing applications in two days. I'm expecting my acceptance letter in the next couple weeks :)

elph's picture

A bit early... maybe?

Or will it be a statement that you'll very likely be offered admission... maybe with financial aid at a later date? I think this 2-step approach is not uncommon.

In any event... wishing for a happy outcome!

Bosemaster42's picture

Oh well,

Hey, at least she can still be a close friend. Sorry it didn't work the way you had wished. It's definitely not the end of the world, you will meet more interesting people in college and there's usually plenty of social events on a weekly basis to choose from. It's great your mom has shown support for you. Having a sounding board is always a good thing, whether it's a trusted friend or therapist.

radiosilence95's picture

Yeah, luckily I didn't get

Yeah, luckily I didn't get my head stuck too high up in the clouds. I'm sure I'll meet someone special soon. I would've loved it to be Brittany, but life continues. I also think therapy will do me some good. And I'm still skeptical about my mom's support. We'll just have to see what happens.