Below in this journal entry is the story of how my parents found out about my sexuality or more or less how I came out to my family about it. I will admit that I was full of fear, sadness and self-loathing. But at least when I told them I had a heavy weight lifted off my shoulders and I felt better that I didn't have to hide it any more.
I had always questioned my sexuality, I really didn’t know if I was a lesbian or bi-sexual. As of right now I think I might be bi-sexual, but the way things are going for me, I think that I might be totally a lesbian, but I am still questioning it. But the point of this journal isn’t for that, it’s of what happened with my family and my sexuality. And also because of all the thoughts that I have in my head about what had happened in the past few months. As of right now I feel anger, hatred and maybed even a little self-loathing. But I would say more anger and hatred than anything else right about now.
When it came to my sexuality, I had kept it a secret from everyone, my friends and my family. But I had gotten tired of all the secrets and hiding and told only my close friends who I trusted wouldn’t tell anyone. The first person I told was my best friend, who he, himself is gay. Of course he accepted me for who I am and was actually happy that I had finally told someone. Then I told the rest of my close friends and they seemed a little surprised, but accepted me. The only fear I had was of telling my parents, I had seen how they reacted to things reguarding gays in the news and how my parents had expressed their feelings about gays before. So naturally I was afraid and didn’t want to tell them until I thought the time was right.
Then I told one of my friends, and found out she was questioning her own sexuality and we decided to face this together and also to date one another.
Even my other friends who are lesbians had told me that it was a good thing that I told my friends, and I had asked them advice on telling my parents and they both agreed with me on when I thought the time was right. It seemed everything had been going as planned and I seemed to have everything under control and my life seemed very happy at this point.
But things were in for the worse! My sister decide to rebel against my parents and go against them, to move in with my aunt, who they didn’t want her to move in with or have anything to do with- because of the things my aunt had done. My cousin was of course on my sister’s side and tried to get the heat of trouble off of my sister by dragging me into it. She had looked at my parents and bluntly said, “You do know that Missy is a lesbian, right?”. My parents were smarter than she gave them credit for, the already assumed or had the assumptions. My dad then faked like he was angry with me because of that, only to fool them into thinking that. That was the night before I came home from my girlfriend’s apartment.
Before I came home, I gathered my girlfriend and my friends and told them that I thought it was the right time to tell my parents. They all said that it was a good idea and also if I needed them to either call or text them. So I went home, my heart was racing and thoughts were going through my head. I had a lot of situations going through my mind, the ony that stuck with me the most and burned in my mind was that of them yelling at me and basically telling me to get my stuff and get the hell out of their house. So I went into the house, eyes almost filled with tears. Then my dad asked the question that dropped the bomb, he said “Missy, are you a lesbian?” I then began to cry, I was afraid to answer at frist, but then gathered up the courage to speak. “I’m not sure yet, I think I maybe bi-sexual.” I said to him. I dared not to look at them and looked at the floor in shame, hoping that their “punishment” would be swift. Then I began to cry some more.
My mom asked me why I was crying and I told her I was afraid. She asked why I was afraid and I told her that I was afraid that they were going to do something drastic. Then my dad looked at me and asked, why didn’t I tell them in the first place. I told them I didn’t because I was afraid that they would yell and kick me out or do something worse than that. My parents then both look at me and say now are we kicking you out or yelling at you? I could only shake my head no. My dad then looks at me and says “We don’t like that you are the way you are, but there is nothing we can do about it. So all we can do is accept it.” He says. I actually smiled and felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Then they asked if I had told my sister about my sexuality and I told them no and that she only assumed. My parents had another huge fight with my sister and told me that it was clear that she wasn’t coming back to the house to live.
Then one night my dad asked me to sit down so that we could talk. I asked him what it was about. He said it was about my sister. “A few nights ago before you came and told us about your sexuality, your sister and cousin had mentioned something about it. And your sister said that the only way that she was staying at the house was if I kicked you out. She thought it was SICK, that your sexuality was SICK.” He says. I sat there puzzled over this, because she had been around my best friend, who is gay and didn’t seem to have a problem with it. But apparently she had problem with it deep down inside. Then he continued, “So I asked her is that what she truly wished and she nodded. Then I said Fine, I’ll kick her out, but if you screw up I’m kicking you out as well.” He said to me. Of course he didn’t kick me out, because I am still living at the house. He also told me that he found out that my sister was posting horrible things about me on facebook, because of my sexuality.
This just made things worse, it made me HATE my sister like I have never hated her before. I hated her so much at one point that I wanted her to die. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing and what I had heard. Well it just showed me that you think you know someone until something like this happens. If my sister ever does come back into my life, we’ll never be the same ever again. I may not even want her back in my life. But let me ask you this, which is more sick my sexuality or the fact that where my sister is living there is possibly child abuse going on?