Where even to start. Yesterday evening I think.
Oh, and - Using people's real names. 'Cause the codenames I gave them the day I met them aren't really necessary and they don't fit and I don't even care if they find this, really.
So. Yesterday evening. Bunch of friends going out for dinner. On the way, in the back of Jesse's car, Miki's chatting away about how her sixteen-year-old brother's love life "has left the x-axis," so we carry on with the metaphor. My love life has always pretty much been on the x-axis. Miki says hers is below the x-axis, because she's so frustrated.
"Well yeah. There is that," I say. "Heheh. We should just snog. You need a snog, I need a snog..." It's understood exactly as it was intended - partly a joke, partly a serious expression of willingness without active desire.
"Hey. No snogging in my car."
"Yeah... Sorry darling, but you'd kind of be a last resort for me. No offense."
"None taken." I'm not offended. Well, okay, last resort's a bit harsh - previous half-jokes from her have indicated that she's at least considered snogging me - but I'm not really offended and not really disappointed. More just a little surprised that I even said it.
Out of the car, walking to the restaurant, the last resort statement begins to soften. "Actually, you know, I'd probably snog you if I had a glass of wine." "....You wouldn't even have to get me very drunk at all...."
Dinner happens. Miki chats with another friend, who, usually a bit of a singleton nerdgirl, recently had several flirtatious encounters with what Miki calls "the male species." Miki mutters something about how said friend is getting more action than her right now.
Acoustics are bad in the restaurant - everything is a loud hum of indistinguishable voices, and conditions like that always make me sleepy, or maybe just sort of torpid. I space out. The food is good though.
Jesse and Erica drive us back to Miki's place, then themselves disappear off to Jesse's.
I'm still a bit torpid; Miki had been planning to study but instead decides that that we should watch Firefly.
We watch an episode of Firefly. Miki decrees that we will watch another. We watch another. It's about ten-something. Miki decrees "We have time for one more!" We watch a third episode.
She sort of wants to watch a fourth, but I say no. It's late. "Tomorrow. Sleepover at my place, and we can watch another?" For now I need to get back to my place and go to bed.
Somehow instead of sending me home, we make midnight brownies instead. Miki's flatmate and her boyfriend have been 'studying,' - oh, no, they'd actually been studying, weirdly enough, and somehow when Miki and I are in the kitchen and I'm sort of getting ready to go, Andre mentions brownies, and since it's close enough to midnight and everyone gets a little crazy at midnight, out comes the brownie mix and suddenly we're making brownies.
Andre and Elissa go back to their studies. Miki suggests that we watch another episode of Firefly while the brownies are baking, but I reject the idea. At some point I make to leave and say "Save me a brownie," but she somehow convinces me that saving a brownie might not be possible and I should just stay another half-hour until they're done. We cuddle on the couch and wait.
She tells me that she's a little confused about our friend Chris - whether she has other-than-friendly feelings for him or not.
I say that that makes sense, happens all the time - you're friends with someone, he's really cool and funny and you like him a lot (who else is crazy enough to run around on Columbus Day planting little flags in the ground and saying "I claim this land for Chris"?) and you start to wonder. And if you're questioning, the answer's probably no. It's just 'cause he's a guy.
"Yeah," she says, or something like. "But it's not just 'cause he's a guy... I've been having the same thoughts about you."
"Yeah... I know what you mean, I can totally relate, because, well, I've been having the same thoughts about you."
I can't remember enough of the words to reconstruct the conversation that followed. We told everything, and what we had to tell was exactly the same. I love you. I can see us together forever. I can't imagine a future without you. Who else would be crazy enough to have me. I've never been able to tell anyone everything before. I don't think you're perfect, I see your faults and I love you faults and all.
"Maybe I'm just denying the truth."
"What would the 'truth' be?"
"Us. You and me."
She gets up to check the brownies. Three minutes. I lie down a bit on the couch. She comes back, lies sort of on top of me. We hold each other.
"I can feel your heartbeat."
"Yeah. Sometimes it skips."
It feels like a lot more than three minutes. She kisses my neck; I touch her hair. We talk a little more. I don't remember about what. Risk. How risky it would be, since we're best friends. "Nothing would change, though," I say. "We'd still be just like we are, only give it a different name."
The last thing I remember saying before we kiss is "It doesn't matter," but I can't remember in response to what.
It's not a passionate kiss. There's never been passion between us; still isn't. It's affectionate, I think. And yes, experimental. My mind is all on the mechanics - how to move, what parts are touching, how to breathe. Breathing's weird. I had always figured people just breathed though their noses while kissing - not so. Am I breathing hard? Fast? One or the other I think. And what are the lips and tongues and teeth all doing? And am I really kissing someone and am I really kissing Miki...
"I've never done that before."
"I have." She laughs.
We talk a little more, I think. I think we kiss again. After the second kiss I say "So much for 'last resort.'" She laughs. We talk. There's no way this all happened in three minutes.
She gets up to check the brownies. I sit up, stare at the wall, and blink a lot. "That did really happen, right?" "It really happened."
"So you want to try this?" Try this. Us. Together. I don't get a chance to respond.
"SEVENTEEN! SIXTEEN! FIFTEEN! FOURTEEN!" ("Is she really counting down the brownies," Elissa says from her room, or something like.) "THIRTEEN! TWELVE! ELEVEN! TEN! NINE! EIGHT! SEVEN! SIX! FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE!"
Brownies are out of the oven, but they have to cool. Elissa and Andre come to stare at them, then disappear again. Miki and I return to the couch.
She tells me all her worries about this - she knows it's not wrong, but what will her family think? What will the Church think? What would we be, anyway? What would we even call us? Girlfriends? Boyfriend and girlfriend? Me being what I am complicates things. Does being with me make her bi, or no?
And are we really going to do this?
We'll figure it all out. Somehow. Sleep on it.
We eat the midnight brownies. Act, to Elissa and Andre, like nothing's happened. "It's been an eventful night," Miki says. "Ate Thai food for the first time, baked brownies at midnight for the first time..." And kissed your best friend who may now be your boyfriend or girlfriend or something...
All goes as though nothing had happened as long as Elissa and Andre are around. Eventually bedtime is declared. She sends me home - well, back to my apartment - with a kiss.
Even though it's one in the morning, I wake up Regi and tell her everything. It can't wait until morning. She's very happy for me and appreciates that I told her even though it meant waking her up in the middle of the night.
Miki's coming over for dinner later today. I don't know if the proposed sleepover is still on. Certainly we'll have lots to talk about.
It wasn't just the midnight weirdness, right? Late hours maybe have the same effect as a glass of wine. I don't know.
Whatever happens. Nothing's really going to change. It's just a matter of kissing or no kissing, uncomfortable telling the family or no. Whatever happens we'll still be incredibly close.
And I'm still having trouble believing that this is all real.