perfect boy, imperfect me

MaddieJoy's picture

"He should have messy brown hair, an English accent, like the same stuff as me..."
This is an inexact transscript of a conversation I had around midnight at a sleepover a few months ago. Here's a description of J, a boy I eat lunch with each day:
He has longish brown hair, and English accent, reads Agatha Christie, and watches Doctor Who. He performed in a play that rehearsed down the hall from the play I was in over the summer. He walks me to class after lunch every day and is the only person in the group who includes me in the conversation. And today, when I got cut out of the circle of chairs, he smiled at me across the crowd whenever MM moved out of the way.
And I feel absolutely nothing for him.
I think I may be a lesbian.

Comments

elph's picture

Only if you've never...

felt anything for any of the other boys in your life...

It sounds, however, that you kinda wish you did feel some attachment for him. And... just maybe... you're feeling a certain empathy for his being...(hopelessly) besotted?

To give your feelings a more valid test than described so far, why not just exchange a few words, or join him for lunch... whatever?

Of course... there's nothing wrong if you are eventually obliged to acknowledge that you may be lesbian. But... give it time! :)

radiosilence95's picture

I wouldn't jump to

I wouldn't jump to conclusions based on a lack of attraction for ONE guy. We really have no control who we are attracted to, so there could be other boys in your school that you haven't noticed yet. Give it a bit more thought. If, however, you've NEVER felt anything towards a guy and this is just another example of that, then I'd say you're probably gay. Probably.

I honestly have no idea how I ended up figuring it out. I just did, you know? I just felt it. So let that happen and you'll sound much more certain of yourself.

MaddieJoy's picture

you have a point

but with this particular guy it's kind of like Santa gave me a boy, and I have no feelings whatsoever except, as Elph said, empathy for this poor boy who keeps trying to talk to me even when there's nothing to say...he's really nice, I'm just afraid that he might ask me out or something, and I could hurt his feelings and then later realize I do like him...or we would end up being awkward and not be friends anymore. Or I could end up going out with him and then realize I've just been using him to convince myself I like boys, which would make me hate myself because he's such a sweet guy. The problem with me is that I can see every negative effect of anything I could do.

elph's picture

You've really "thought this out"... haven't you?

I'd say that none of those envisaged outcomes is an unmitigated negative!

They're are all a part of "testing the waters!"

Go ahead... jump in... I'm betting you'll find something to like... or, something else that you will then know for sure. :)