Sexuality journal

swimmerguy's picture

It was so clear to me,
that it was almost invisible,
I lie across the path waiting...
A spiderweb, trapped in your lashes,
for that,
I would trade you my empire for ashes
.

So usually I don't talk about sexuality that much, but I figured I'd go for it, since this is, after all, a LGBT site.
First off, my god, do you guys ever have it where you watch a movie and then at some point there's a role by some really really hot person that totally distracts you from the point of the movie? When they're a main character, it's usually easier, cause they're just pleasant to look at, but when it's a cameo or infrequent character I just sit there waiting for the next scene of this really hot guy.
Especially when that guy is the gorgeousness and gorgeousity of Devon Bostick: http://www.fanpop.com/spots/rodrick-heffley/images/22593661/title/devon-...

He was in this horror movie I was watching late last night, it was kinda weird, it started scary, but then it started like veering into political allegory, like a fight for zombie rights or something...
I'll talk about it another day.

Anyway.
Sexuality.
You know what I always think is, if you're ever wondering about your sexuality for long periods of time, you're probably gay, and you don't want to accept it.
Me, I kinda accepted it right off the bat, from when I first realized kinda in elementary school. It was kinda weird, maybe I was just some really chill kid or something, I honestly don't remember how I was as a little kid, but I didn't seem to have too much problem in my mind with the fact that although everyone in the movies was a guy with a girl, that's always what I saw, what the adults made jokes about during elementary school "relationships".
Ah, those days when every time someone "liked" someone else, it was a scandal.
But it was always a boy and a girl. Me, never understood that, I liked the boys. And I never really even questioned that, never thought I was gay, just kinda like "all my friends like the girls, I like the boys. So what?"
Which is kinda a weird thought, when it's kinda like my little-kid self being more mature and chill about things than my later middle-school self.

Ah, and I still have lunch and history with the boy that was my first young "crush", third-grade era. That was before I even understood anything about what "liking" really was. I just loved looking at this other boy so much, and I so very much wanted to be his friend.
He was a dick. Still is. I didn't even know why I was so amenable to getting screwed by him (I'm talking metaphorically, now) and his dick-ness.

Oh but I figured it out. It was in 6th grade I learned to masturbate, I had the Internet to thank for that, I didn't originally figure it out on my own, though I'm sure it wouldn't've taken too long.
By that time, I'd backslid a bit, I thought I ought to like girls. So I originally picked what I saw as the cream of the crop, and fuck it, I was going to masturbate to her.
It didn't do much. I don't remember which male classmate I thought of, but all of a sudden things got so much easier.
So I made a plan, I'd sorta use the "crutch" of boys to eventually think more and more of this one girl (she's a bit gross now, by the way) and then she was going to be my mind's sex toy, and I'd like girls exclusively.

It didn't work out that way. This became my most confused and despondent stage, when I would sit late at night or in the shower, and just wonder about things.
Why wasn't I like the other boys? Why did I have such a hard time with this? Did they have the same hard time?
Eventually, through a couple miserably failed attempts at heterosexual relations (Ha! I remember going to the movies with my girlfriend, number 2 I think, and I was so proud of myself! Look how straight I was! Wouldn't everyone be so proud of me? No one cared...) I began to figure things out, though originally through a period of thinking of myself as bi.

Numbers 1 and 2 as girlfriends went were bad enough, but nothing compared to the absolute shitstorms that would be girlfriends 3 and 4.
Girlfriend 3 was one who's still a friend of mine, 8th grade, that might have been the first time I ever said the phrase I'm gay aloud to another person.
I wrote about it on here.
GF 4 was at the end of middle school, basically forced me into a relationship, I was forced to tell her after a few weeks of tortured forced hanging-out with this girl I didn't even like and wasn't attracted to at all.
She was pissed, that one sucked.
(Hehe, you know Loveline, that radio show where people call with their love problems? I actually fucking called that show about my 8th grade relationship problems, man I had to have had the largest testicles around)

But after finding Oasis in early 8th grade, things settled down again, sexuality wise.
I was pretty sure what I was.

And today, the story's basically the same.
I don't so much think of myself as gay anymore so much as just a guy, who's attracted to people, both sexually and emotionally, and those people tend to be within about high school age (14-18, up to 20's sometimes), and they tend to be boys as well, although I take every prospect on a case-by-case basis, as I would a possible date, I would date a girl I found attractive, if indeed that ever becomes the case.

And am I out? Not so much, it's more of an open secret. I mean, I wear now, and have worn at past times, certain rainbow paraphernalia, which usually clues people in, although people are welcome to take their own interpretation.
A good bit of my friends explicitly know cause I told them, and more kinda know from my facebook wall, which I changed in freshman year.

As for my parents, my dad knows, because I had to tell him, his childblock kept blocking this site, so of course he'd figure it out.
My mom doesn't though, still, and there's a few reasons for that.
Part of it is I just don't think it's that big a part of me. That's why I write so many journals about other things, because my sexuality is just kinda, I'm still capable of love, and child-raising and relationships and all those things everyone else is capable, with literally the only differences between me and them being the mechanism for getting children, and the sex organs of my sexual partners.
Which, really, when you get down to it, is not really a difference at all, it's so insignificant as to not even warrant talking about.

The other part is a bit of cowardice. Me and my parents, we're very different people, and I don't always get along with them perfectly.
The only way our living in the same house works is because I suppress certain elements of myself around them, my mom especially, that they find absolutely unacceptable (often, my lax attitude towards house cleaning...).
Because of that, I'm a very private person with my parents, I don't like them to know too much of me or what I think, because there's stuff in there they might not like, that they might get angry at, which is why I don't often discuss my politics or worldview with my parents, or my important experiences, some of which include BIG mistakes.
And added onto that, my sexuality is part of my sex life, which, gay or straight, is something I want my parents absolutely out of no matter who my sexual partners are.
I would rather know nothing about any sex my parents have or have ever had, gay or straight, and I would prefer they know nothing of my past and future sexual exploits, gay or straight, whatever.
Like that thing I linked to up there with that hot guy, whether it was a girl or not, I'd have a problem with telling my parents anything with which they could infer things, like You see this guy, mom? He's FUCKING GORGEOUS and HOT and BEAUTIFUL in EVERY WAY POSSIBLE, and I enjoy thinking about him, often while touching myself, and imagining myself in all sorts of sex positions and locations with him. I don't which is best, I think I could abide doggy style or either backwards or forwards cowgirl, but then there is oral too. But what do YOU think?.

Like even if that was a girl (I don't think she'll be unaccepting of my homosexuality), I would prefer to say nothing from which either of my parents could infer anything about those statements above, even something like just telling her I'm gay.
I want them out of my sex life, gay or straight.
And it's fairly inconsequential either way.

So that's where I stand now.
What about relationships? Easy, they're nonexistent.
Frankly, while I think I'd immensely enjoy even a non-serious high school relationship with some guy that I at least enjoy hanging out with and could kiss as well, cause there's all sorts of things I'd just love to do with some guy, just me and him.
I mean, it doesn't have to be like serious, with-all-the-drama-and-strings-attached thing, or grow-up-and-get-married perfect, but just some innocent high school fun and shenanigans with a somewhat like-minded gay guy, I think I've love that.

I mean, unfortunately, a small percentage of people are gay, no one's quite sure how small, but probably somewhere on the order of 3-8%.
Then, as the actually open, accepting of themselves, and interested gay guys go, it's probably significantly lower.
And finally, times that by the number of high schooler's I actually like and have dateable personality, and that number's less than 50% probably, and chances go to just about hopeless.

I mean, I've fairly given up now on the having a high school relationship.
There was CAG, Cute Asian Guy last year who I'm relatively sure was actually a gay guy going fishing, but that never panned out and he has no classes with me this year, so yeah.
And most of this year so far I've been wearing a rainbow bracelet, for many reasons, but one of which is sort of a hint, but no one in any class seems even remotely interested.
So that leaves next year, senior year, my last year in high school, but if I have anything to possibly do about it, I will be spending next year in Germany, at a German high school. (It's an exchange program where you can spend a year in Germany, it's pretty cool).
There's a multitude of reasons I want to do it, which I'll discuss in a later journal, but I'm super excited by the thought.
So, prospects may lie there, I don't know, but as for where I am now, at high school, being in a high school relationship seems a remote possibility of ever happening.

And that's okay, no doubt, worse tragedies have happened.
But it's a little unfortunate, cause I'm only in high school once.
I'm sure there'll be plenty of time for that though...
I hope.

So there we go, my sexuality.

I can't give up actin' tough,
cause it's all that I'm made of.
Can't scrape together quite enough,
to ride the bus,
to the outskirts of the fact that I need love.

Comments

jeff's picture

Well...

I don't think your sexuality is part of your sex life. It only defines it. If someone in an office puts up a picture of their wife/husband and kids, it may reveal their sexuality to some extent, but you don't then learn anything about what gets them off, how often they've had to use their safeword, or what they do in bed regularly. And a wedding ring is as much for the person you're in a relationship with as much as it also means "I can't fuck you" to everyone else.

You clearly already know your parents' sexuality to some degree without, one hopes, having any clue what sort of sex they had.

So, they are two separate things. I think it is completely important to tell people your sexuality, if only because it also gets you laid. But once you start having sex, that part is really only something you only have to reveal to your sexual partners and me, and it's no one else's business. ;-)

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

angel syndrome's picture

"how often they've had to

"how often they've had to use their safeword"
oh jeff

elph's picture

In violation of a promise made to self... :(

Original content deleted with apology to Jeff.

jeff's picture

Just...

the quality that eludes you in so many of my posts: humor. ;-)

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

elph's picture

And... you see none in mine?

Seek and ye shall find! Really. :)

Couldn't you discern that... just possibly... a humorous riposte may have been my expectation?

Peace?

Dracofangxxx's picture

Oh god that girl you fapped to

Goes to my college... *shivers*

I don't really give much thought into my sexuality until I'm forced to remember SOME PEOPLE ACTUALLY CARE IF TWO GIRLS KISS AND STUFF?? like 90% of the time I'm just flirting and hanging with miche like any other person you'd want to date in public and I don't have to think WOW GAY= BAD until I remember some people are really against it

well, or until I go over the statistics you mentioned, and I do a silent fistbump inside my head with myself because YEA YOU GOT AN AWESOME LADY FRIEND

that's mostly all I thought of it I think.
-
That's redick!

angel syndrome's picture

I'll just leave here with a

I'll just leave here with a quote from Clueless :
"Searching for a boy in high school is as useless as searching for meaning in a Pauly Shore movie."

Bosemaster42's picture

Very funny,

And so true. It was definitely a lesson in futility for me.

anarchist's picture

I've fapped to girls before, in the same way you have.

Like when my mother told me not to be gay once (an occurrence I have mentioned on here before), I was like "Okay, I've got to stop this and be straight." So I pretty much did the same you did. And then, when I thought I was done, straight, everything good yay, I kept thinking about guys when I was fapping to girls, and then I just went back to gay porn. It was like trying to end a bad habit. I felt weak giving in to urges.

Then I got over it and accepted myself. Yay!

Your story is pretty unique, though. Nothing like any of the ones I have read before.