Some days are better than others for me.
Today was not so great. This past weekend I spent time with my girlfriend who I haven't seen in a month. It was amazing finally seeing her.
Which made leaving for campus on Sunday unbearable.
I barely slept and sobbed all night. Just depressing.
The day was better. I slapped my "happy face" on, blared Mumford and Sons and went on my way.
But today wasn't just bad for loneliness. D is the only person who I can be my complete and utter self with and not have to put up a front. Returning to campus means living in an all girls dorm with public bathrooms and no privacy.
It means being someone I'm not.
I'm still trying to come to terms with my own gender identity. When I came out as gay, I felt confident and self assured. I knew who I was.
Now it's different. I want people to see me as a man, be a dad, and a businessman. Not some "weirdo" who dresses in men's clothes. But as much as I want that, coming out as trans is terrifying me.
I don't want people my family to think I'm different from the daughter they thought they had. I don't want to confuse them with my pronouns and new name.
I hate change and this would be the biggest change of all.
Worst of all, I thought that on campus I would find someone to tell this all to but I dunno where to find the help or if I'm even ready to tell a stranger any of this.
I feel like I should know who I am already and have made the changes. I feel so much pressure to just do it but I don't know how or if I can.
Like I said, today has been rough.