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radiosilence95's picture

I am not in a good place right now.

It's really hard for me to explain this, but it's evolved from that emptiness I described in my previous journal. It's become straight-up depression. I'm tired all the time. Not just that typical teenager brand of tired. It's an exhaustion that I can feel deep in my bones, in my mind, in my eyeballs. I have almost no will to get out of bed every morning. My eyes look awful when I look in the mirror, baggy and hollow, and they burn and all I want to do is sleep again.

School dulls it. I'm surrounded by people and I guess that distracts me. It's gotten to a point where I dread going home at the end of the day because I know I'll be alone. And the second I walk through my door, it makes itself welcome again. I try to block it out with distractions. I turn on the TV and try to fill my brain with mindless stimulation, try to fill the silence in the room with noise.

I can pinpoint multiple sources of this depression. I have no connection to anybody around me, I'm so tired of living here and being around these people, and Brittany. God fucking damn it, Brittany. Those other two things just intensify the heart of this, which is her. I didn't expect things with her to turn into this. I've tried making plans with her but they always fall through. I feel like she's establishing a new life that has no room for me even though we're still living in the same town. I've come dangerously close to lashing out at her on several occasions.

This isn't fun anymore. Summer's over. It's so easy for people around me to just move on when shit like this happens to them. Everybody around me is constantly in motion, constantly moving on to the next thing. I just can't do that. I feel like there are a million people out there who are all exactly the same, but there's only one Brittany. I can't just let go and move on.

The one person I feel connected to is too busy for me. It hurts. If she for whatever reason cancels our trip to Six Flags that's it for me. I'm not sure what that really means. That's it for me. What am I gonna do? Quit speaking to her? There's no way in hell I could ever do that. I'm going to cling to her until I have no other option but to let go.

Texting isn't enough. I want to be near her. I want to feel that triumphant feeling when I make her laugh. I miss her, plain and simple. And I feel like seeing her is the perfect antidote for what I'm feeling right now, which is like shit.

Brittany's not the only reason for this, I know. It's a culmination of many other things. I've seriously considered going back to counseling, but like I said, I'm pretty sure I would need my mother's consent because of the health insurance and I'd rather she not know. So the best I can do right now is find distractions. Any distractions. It fucking sucks.


elph's picture

I understand how you feel...

I've been there many times... but I know no universal cure! :(

I fervently hope that your plan for Six Flags proceeds without hitches.

Has she provided any hint that she might decline?

radiosilence95's picture

She hasn't hinted at it, but

She hasn't hinted at it, but the fact that she can't make time for me anymore is making me worry that she'll be too busy with schoolwork to go. I'm pretty sure it'll go smoothly, though. I'm starting to think too pessimistically. At this point I'm basically living for October 13th.

elph's picture

Interesting... October 13... an important date for me as well (note the first performance, below):

And... I, as well, hope my friends (albeit located halfway across the continent) don't leave me all alone...

Joys are meant to be shared! Anyway... that's who I am.

MaddieJoy's picture

I know how you feel

with all the tiredness & depression. I keep asking to go to counseling but my parents never get around to getting it onto the schedule--if u feel like u need it, you should definitely go, don't worry about ur mom. If she's a good parent she won't push u to tell her why ur going.

"It's a helluva start, knowing what makes you happy."
--Lucille Ball

radiosilence95's picture

My mom, I know, will push me

My mom, I know, will push me to tell her why I need to go back. I don't really know anything about the regulations that go with counseling, but I'm pretty sure I would need her consent. And I really, REALLY do not want to explain all of this to her. I just don't trust her. I don't feel like I can talk to her about anything. Our relationship is just nonexistent right now.

I guess I could wait out the storm. Time heals, right? I can't run to a therapist whenever I start feeling like this.

Bosemaster42's picture

Time heals all wounds.

Perhaps the realization that things aren't going to work out the way you wanted with Brittany, have hit you all at once. Coupled with not having someone close enough for you to feel comfortable talking about this, as well as, other personal issues is likely bringing you down. Don't give your negative thoughts an oppurtunity to influence your mood. Giving power to these thoughts is what makes all people suffer, myself included.
I find it hard to believe you can't 'connect' with more people. You seem to be a very good communicator, especially with writing.
In a another year's time, things will change dramatically and you just never know what the future has in store for you. Keep your head up.
I have no doubt you'll find that special someone.

radiosilence95's picture

Thank you. I'm starting to

Thank you. I'm starting to feel a bit better, but I'm cautious. I talked about it with Brittany and she of course told me everything I needed to hear, but that was one moment. I don't know how I'll feel or what will happen in the near future.

love_is_love's picture

relating and hating

I completely know what you're talking about. i've been a zombie for months now. I get the pain and the emptyness and the feeling alone in a crowded room.

If you're up for distractions, let me know. distracting each other could be useful, who knows.

I hope all goes well for you in the near future. It's not much, but try and keep your head up.

radiosilence95's picture

I know I'll get through

I know I'll get through this, which is a good mentality to have. If you need to talk about anything, you can feel free to PM me. I haven't seen you around here for awhile :P

love_is_love's picture

:) Wasn't sure if i would be rembered

The same goes for you, I'll PM you my email. it's on 24/7 so if it's an emergency, just shoot me a message i'll make sure and be there for you.