I am not in a good place right now.
It's really hard for me to explain this, but it's evolved from that emptiness I described in my previous journal. It's become straight-up depression. I'm tired all the time. Not just that typical teenager brand of tired. It's an exhaustion that I can feel deep in my bones, in my mind, in my eyeballs. I have almost no will to get out of bed every morning. My eyes look awful when I look in the mirror, baggy and hollow, and they burn and all I want to do is sleep again.
School dulls it. I'm surrounded by people and I guess that distracts me. It's gotten to a point where I dread going home at the end of the day because I know I'll be alone. And the second I walk through my door, it makes itself welcome again. I try to block it out with distractions. I turn on the TV and try to fill my brain with mindless stimulation, try to fill the silence in the room with noise.
I can pinpoint multiple sources of this depression. I have no connection to anybody around me, I'm so tired of living here and being around these people, and Brittany. God fucking damn it, Brittany. Those other two things just intensify the heart of this, which is her. I didn't expect things with her to turn into this. I've tried making plans with her but they always fall through. I feel like she's establishing a new life that has no room for me even though we're still living in the same town. I've come dangerously close to lashing out at her on several occasions.
This isn't fun anymore. Summer's over. It's so easy for people around me to just move on when shit like this happens to them. Everybody around me is constantly in motion, constantly moving on to the next thing. I just can't do that. I feel like there are a million people out there who are all exactly the same, but there's only one Brittany. I can't just let go and move on.
The one person I feel connected to is too busy for me. It hurts. If she for whatever reason cancels our trip to Six Flags that's it for me. I'm not sure what that really means. That's it for me. What am I gonna do? Quit speaking to her? There's no way in hell I could ever do that. I'm going to cling to her until I have no other option but to let go.
Texting isn't enough. I want to be near her. I want to feel that triumphant feeling when I make her laugh. I miss her, plain and simple. And I feel like seeing her is the perfect antidote for what I'm feeling right now, which is like shit.
Brittany's not the only reason for this, I know. It's a culmination of many other things. I've seriously considered going back to counseling, but like I said, I'm pretty sure I would need my mother's consent because of the health insurance and I'd rather she not know. So the best I can do right now is find distractions. Any distractions. It fucking sucks.