This is just a compilation of the more significant thoughts I've had throughout the (very long) day. Some of it has been in my mind a while, and I'll use that to begin a stream of consciousness that will likely go all over the place and become an unorganized mess.
And this sort of is mostly written for myself, but I do want other people to read it and just give me some spiritual inspiration, or insight, or whatever you think of. Treat this page as much of a stream of consciousness for you as for myself.
I guess this first section will become a continuation of the haircut one.
I am becoming increasingly concerned with my appearance (and pretty quickly over the last day; then again, it seems like everything is happening quickly). In the entry yesterday, I humorously commented on this as "becoming gayer", but I'm starting to make myself believe that maybe I am becoming more effeminate, at least on the mental level, in the sense that my physical self-esteem is low in a way that I've only really seen in women, and was something I thought I'd never be able to understand.
And somehow I have convinced myself that the more attractive I am, the more likely it will be for me to be noticed by someone who might matter to me, in a non-Platonic way. So this is all stemming from loneliness, laziness, and my original state of thought. I keep hoping that someone will magically appear out of nowhere, even though this is completely impossible.
But I also want to just skip the whole flirting part, like what happened last year. I just want something (in this case someone) without actually earning it.
And this whole original issue is made even worse by the fact that I can't possible be capable of having any idea of whether I am attractive or not. I'm not one of those people who can just do that. I know myself too well mentally, and I know that my mind is so much more important than anything else that is a part of me. I've thought about so much philosophy that I know materialism is just a pursuit that will inevitably lead to suffering, so I've never until now put much value in physical objects, or at least not myself.
I'd like to actually go and socialize with potential boyfriends, but it's impossible in this area, at this age. It's all just guessing right now; nobody is open about it yet, save for one at my school, and a few I've heard of who are only semi-open, around the level I am.
I'd really like to go to a GSA meeting at my school, but I can't explain that to my parents. It would be so cool, though, to be at a place like this, but in real life. I would just orgasm right there from the awesomeness of that.
Onto the second section of this stream of consciousness:
My second sort of starting off point here is about life, and time. This is something that has really been bothering me. The idea that we're only young once. It's something I've heard a lot from old people, but never took seriously. But now that I've been thinking about it, it seems so scary and depressing.
A few decades seems so long. But I guess, like everything, it goes by so much faster than we grow up believing and keep telling ourselves, like in the the movie Looper. The last year went by so fast that it makes me terrified of how the rest of my life will turn out. I don't want to waste it.
Once we're old, we'll always be that way. There's no going back. We can't just relive youth once it's over; we've had our chance, and it's gone forever. And I've always hated settling with things, just defining myself with one category. I don't want to ever be old. But it's going to happen.
Maybe I should just kill myself before that happens. Not let myself go to a state in which I'm completely useless to myself. I've always wanted to die by jumping from somewhere really high up. That's always seemed to me like a death I'd enjoy. It would be thrilling and fun, like a roller coaster ride, but freer.
That would be the way to go.
I'm glad I got this all out of my mind; I feel so free and relaxed now.
This journal entry was long for me, anyway.