Stream of consciousness (long journal time)

anarchist's picture

This is just a compilation of the more significant thoughts I've had throughout the (very long) day. Some of it has been in my mind a while, and I'll use that to begin a stream of consciousness that will likely go all over the place and become an unorganized mess.

And this sort of is mostly written for myself, but I do want other people to read it and just give me some spiritual inspiration, or insight, or whatever you think of. Treat this page as much of a stream of consciousness for you as for myself.

I guess this first section will become a continuation of the haircut one.

I am becoming increasingly concerned with my appearance (and pretty quickly over the last day; then again, it seems like everything is happening quickly). In the entry yesterday, I humorously commented on this as "becoming gayer", but I'm starting to make myself believe that maybe I am becoming more effeminate, at least on the mental level, in the sense that my physical self-esteem is low in a way that I've only really seen in women, and was something I thought I'd never be able to understand.

And somehow I have convinced myself that the more attractive I am, the more likely it will be for me to be noticed by someone who might matter to me, in a non-Platonic way. So this is all stemming from loneliness, laziness, and my original state of thought. I keep hoping that someone will magically appear out of nowhere, even though this is completely impossible.

But I also want to just skip the whole flirting part, like what happened last year. I just want something (in this case someone) without actually earning it.

And this whole original issue is made even worse by the fact that I can't possible be capable of having any idea of whether I am attractive or not. I'm not one of those people who can just do that. I know myself too well mentally, and I know that my mind is so much more important than anything else that is a part of me. I've thought about so much philosophy that I know materialism is just a pursuit that will inevitably lead to suffering, so I've never until now put much value in physical objects, or at least not myself.

I'd like to actually go and socialize with potential boyfriends, but it's impossible in this area, at this age. It's all just guessing right now; nobody is open about it yet, save for one at my school, and a few I've heard of who are only semi-open, around the level I am.

I'd really like to go to a GSA meeting at my school, but I can't explain that to my parents. It would be so cool, though, to be at a place like this, but in real life. I would just orgasm right there from the awesomeness of that.

Onto the second section of this stream of consciousness:

My second sort of starting off point here is about life, and time. This is something that has really been bothering me. The idea that we're only young once. It's something I've heard a lot from old people, but never took seriously. But now that I've been thinking about it, it seems so scary and depressing.

A few decades seems so long. But I guess, like everything, it goes by so much faster than we grow up believing and keep telling ourselves, like in the the movie Looper. The last year went by so fast that it makes me terrified of how the rest of my life will turn out. I don't want to waste it.

Once we're old, we'll always be that way. There's no going back. We can't just relive youth once it's over; we've had our chance, and it's gone forever. And I've always hated settling with things, just defining myself with one category. I don't want to ever be old. But it's going to happen.

Maybe I should just kill myself before that happens. Not let myself go to a state in which I'm completely useless to myself. I've always wanted to die by jumping from somewhere really high up. That's always seemed to me like a death I'd enjoy. It would be thrilling and fun, like a roller coaster ride, but freer.

That would be the way to go.

I'm glad I got this all out of my mind; I feel so free and relaxed now.

This journal entry was long for me, anyway.

Comments

elph's picture

You're being much too negative... but not alone!

First: You're never going to outgrow feeling young… as long as you take control of who and what you become in mind and body. Unless you have some inherited disability… it's your life, and you are ultimately in control. But this works only if you make a conscious decision to take control… for the rest of your life: It shouldn't be a temporary fad (i.e., such as a short-term diet that'll permit you to gorge at the next festivity); it's for the rest of your life!

At this moment you've barely started down the path: you're just at the entrance to adolescence!

Right now, you're very likely feeling quite immortal… but you should be wary of acting as though this feeling is fact! You're not yet fully equipped to always make good decisions… particularly those decisions that involve social or physical risk. In a sense, this inability (actually… immaturity) is no fault of yours --- it's just that your brain is not yet fully developed --- something you may very likely have great difficulty in acknowledging. Inevitable, but quite normal!

You should take a look at the comment and link I posted to another Oasie:

http://www.oasisjournals.com/2012/10/big-dumb-sex#comment-191166

What you must do… consciously and with determination: make a lifetime commitment to self to take full control of how your mind and body develop! Do just this… and you'll feel young essentially forever.

If you have no idea what this commitment entails… there is not just one solution that works for all: there are many workable solutions!

But essentials common to all are: sensible diet, regular exercise of all muscle groups (but with this important proviso: to be regularly pursued strictly for enjoyment, overall health, and good body tone... but never with the goal of achieving grotesque, overly-developed body musculature, which sadly, is so popular with some teens --- not just gays), sociability, and education (not just stopping after BA, BS, Phd… whatever).

And… for you, especially… temper that misogynistic view/fear of self and others. If you feel a certain inner-femininity... you're probably just being a bit overly self-critical? Or... maybe not?

As for your current physical image… you are almost certainly much too self-critical (it's a near-universal teen bane --- you've looked that one up?). I am quite confident that many other boys will eventually (give it time!) find you quite attractive… but, at first it'll likely be just for the mutual sharing of good times. If it evolves into a sexual attraction, consider it a plus… but understand that sex --- should always be enjoyable --- but not always risk-free. (See above link.)

****

More... on request!

But an immediate bit of advice: Exert a little more control over your seemingly-innate propensity to be gratuitously confrontational! :)

Just this one "modification" should serve you well, both here and at school!

I, for one, think you have much to give... but maybe you're keeping these attributes just a bit too well hidden?

Good luck... but, most important... persevere!

anarchist's picture

It does sort of seem like I'm being critical.

It's like with my music; it always sounds bad to me, just because I made it, and I can't possibly enjoy something I made. Might be the same case here.

Some of the confusion, though, might be a result of other people. Some people tell me that I'm ugly, others say I'm not, so that's really a cause of this sort of phase or whatever it is.

And in response to your physical fitness thing for longevity or whatever, I did once go to the gym to exercise. It was fun, but then my dad decided he didn't want to go anymore, so that meant I was forced to make the same decision. Don't worry, though; I won't allow myself to ever go crazy with it. I don't want to be like a body-builder or one of those guys the media says everyone should look like to be considered healthy, with way too much muscle mass.

And I never said I'm misogynistic. I only hate masculinity and femininity when they're direct results of society (which both usually are), which is when it's way too obvious. This was just an interesting slight trend in a sort of psychological aspect that I've noticed develop, not directly affected by anything really, other than what's mentioned in the original post.

And what do you mean by confrontational? I definitely try to avoid other people lately, rather than confront them (unless I'm very familiar with them already). Or do you mean I'm being confrontational to myself? Please clarify.

Bosemaster42's picture

Dude,

People say shit all the time. Most guys will always say things like that.
One possibility for a comment like that could have been referring to your personality, I'm not sure because I wasn't there. You said yourself in a previous post ' I say the first thing that comes to mind' or something like that. That is one thing that can turn a lot of people off toward you. You may not have meant anything by what you said, but others may not know that. One example was your 'Poetry is Gay' post. This comment could be perceived in many ways. I thought you were saying poetry sucks, hence my reply wasn't warm & fuzzy, but I didn't condemn you for saying it. I appreciate everyone's opinion whether good or bad.
I have to admit, some of your posts and replies can be read as confrontational and some are not.

anarchist's picture

Oh, but people do always compliment my eyes, though.

Because I have heterochromea. That and neither of my eyes even really have a color. They're like a bunch of colors at the same time, and different ones in each iris. It's kind of cool. And it makes me even awesomer than I already am.

The poetry is gay thing was a joke, by the way. It's because this is (partially) a gay web site and there are a lot of poets on here. I've written poetry, anyway, so I wouldn't insult it.

elph's picture

Talking about eyes...

When I was your age... I inferred from my Bible Belt origins that it was unacceptable to look someone directly in the eyes (totally false... but this is what I "sensed").

Anyway... I'd frequently hear my peers (mostly girls) talking about someone-or-other's eyes and their color. And... I was totally confused... and thinking: "How could you possibly know? You didn't dare actually look?"

This is just one bizarre example of the damage to be found in the wake of one's Bible Belt upbringing!

Bosemaster42's picture

Yeah,

I kinda thought you were kidding. Multi-colored eyes, interesting. I always look people in the eye when I meet or greet them. Some people have very dreamy eyes, usually light blues and green. Love em.

elph's picture

The gym is not important!

You don't have to make a big deal out of it. Just walking to and from school, occasional sports, stretching exercises can be done at home...

Unless you spend a lot of time just sitting in front of computer or TV, you're likely getting sufficient exercise. Dedicated time for exercise becomes much more important when you find your life becoming more sedentary.

As for diet: Just keep processed foods (desserts, cakes, etc.) for special occasions. And wherever possible, avoid the empty calories of sugar and fructose!

btw... I've never been much for sports... but I still put in ~4 miles daily fast walking... plus ~20 minutes of stretches at home. Also have my own rowing machine: one of the greatest exercise devices for heart/aerobics... but not muscles! And that's perfectly fine!

If you're a runner... the jarring of your heel striking hard surfaces will eventually "do a job" on your knee cartilages! Jogging is far safer; swimming, even better (provided you're actually swimming!).

anarchist's picture

I'm very sedentary.

I do a lot of walking at school, and I like to go on long-ish walks with my dog (though I have to get home early because of the puppy who needs to go and the heat outside). So I don't really do much of any exercise.

I do avoid unnecessary eating, though, like snacks and desserts. And I try to stretch enough on my free time.

I like to run with my dog outside, as fast as I can (faster than he can), but that's it. So I don't know if it's enough. I don't walk to and from school because that would take hours. I just ride the bus, like everybody else.

elph's picture

If you're at normal weight...

(or, slightly below) for your age and height... you're probably doing quite well.

You should start being more careful about diet/exercise if weight and waist start getting outside the normal range!

anarchist's picture

I'd really like to go back to doing cardio at the gym.

But no, I'm not aloud to because my father's fucking lazy.

Bosemaster42's picture

I'm Guessing here,

I assume your like 15 or 16 years old? Becoming more aware and more attentive to your physical appearance is part of the maturation process of going through puberty. Quite normal.
You used to have a picture(I assume it was you) and based on what I could see, your not unattractive, so I hope that helps prop up your ego.
I know what you mean about not being able to tell if your attractive or not, I think almost every teen goes through a self-loathing period with regard to appearance, also very normal, as long as, it doesn't become an obsession.
"Your only young once" is true, but it's also an overused cliche. I prefer, "Your only as old as you allow yourself to be". For example, I play pick-up ice hockey with a group of guys much older than myself. In fact, they remind me frequently that if it wasn't for my 'young legs' I wouldn't be able to catch up to them the way I do. This may be true, but these guys haven't lost their youthful competetive spirit. Most of the guys are in their 30's and 40's, but the guy who runs the skate is 52 years old! There is another guy who just turned 60, yeah he's slowed down some, but this guy is one of the smartest players on the ice, and crafty too.
So please don't think once you reach 30 or 40, suddenly your life is over. That simply isn't true at all. " I hope I die before I get old" great song by the who(MY Generation). Be careful what you wish for.

anarchist's picture

I run fast, too.

I'm faster than you lol faget #SWAG

Bosemaster42's picture

Perhaps,

But I'd blow your fucking doors off skating babe!

jeff's picture

Oh Jesus...

A ice figure skating throwdown... only on Oasis.

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

Bosemaster42's picture

As long as,

I get to wear hockey skates, I'm there. The toepicks on figure skates are friggin dangerous.

elph's picture

Click on any user name...

...and you should be taken to his/her "account."

Age info is there... but it could quite easily be intentionally incorrect! :(

Reminder: Check PM of 3 October! :)

anarchist's picture

Weird.

Ever since making this journal I've gone back to my I-don't-really-give-a-fuck-about-anything mindset. Maybe I should do more of these streams of consciousness.

Bosemaster42's picture

Yes,

You should.