How can I sleep, knowing what I know? How can I close my eyes when all I can hear is the screaming that eternally sounds in my head? How can I sleep when I can see the man I love humiliated and in pain? How can I possibly sleep?
I cannot close my eyes for fear of what I will see. My past, my knowledge, and myself- as well as the pain of others- are seared into my mind’s eye. Why has this happened? Why does fate doom me so? Why can’t I just have some peace? I am happy, now. I have so few reasons to dread. I have so many reasons to rejoice. But the incessant thrashing and screeching of whatever the hell lives in my head constantly torment me. Just let me sleep! Let me dream of something that doesn’t end in blood and tears! No more nightmares. Please. No more. Let me sleep.
And this feeling… this awful feeling that I am worthless, and a failure… I cannot stop wishing for punishment for my failure. But I can never get it. Nothing ever brings me peace. I want someone to prove to me that I am worth existing! Because with only myself as judge and jury, the trial will never end. Why, though, does his love for me not validate me? He forever reassures me that I am worth so much and that I shouldn’t feel sorry for the things I’ve done. And I love him all the more for it. But… I am still in this pain.
Can’t you let me sleep? Please?
Bah… So useless. Anyone reading this will have no idea what I’m saying, all told, unless they already know my situation. But I have to write it. And I feel like someone has to see it. So… There we are. Perhaps this will quiet the screaming for a little while… But I wouldn’t count on it.