When iLaugh iCope

Sam2000's picture

In my last journal I wrote about being in a new school and starting over, and for once feeling safe at what my Dad always calls "my job". Now that I've been in school a few weeks I'm starting to open up to people, and actually smiling...

Okay...smiling? What's the big deal with smiling?

For me, especially the last few years, smiling was a rare thing. I was too scared all the time to laugh or smile, fear the invisible shadow that never left me alone.

Since I've been living with my father I've noticed that our personalities are really similar, we laugh at the same stuff, and we joke around with each other. I'm not sure if other fathers and sons do the same thing because almost all my friends don't have a Dad in their life. I'm so lucky!

With my autism I have some rough moments, and sometimes I have some really funny ones, especially with the things I say. Dad calls them "A.M.'s"- "Asperger's Moments"-and I have them everyday. I just say things and then it hits me later that I probably shouldn't have opened my mouth!

I had a really funny A.M. one day when Dad was driving us home from going out for dinner and I asked him what his first time was like...and he almost drove off the road! I later understood that I had just asked him what going all the way with my Mom was like, and I knew how he felt about it from reading his diary and the very...um...dirty way he wrote about it...but I just had to ask him about it.

When we got home I stretched out face down on my bed and he came and rubbed my back the way he always does before I go to bed, and he stretched out next to me and talked about it...he told me how much he loved my Mom, how close he was to her, and how seriously nervous he was...and how he was finished as soon as he started.

We were next to each other laughing when I told him about my first time with Matthew (making out in a changing room at the mall) and he had this just crazy look on his face...

"Dad! I didn't have enough money for a motel room!"

We were laughing for a while about that one.

My Dad's always been open with me, and I can trust him about anything. I know I have to be an embarrassment to him at times, but he's still there for me. I'm lucky to have a Dad as it is, and to have one that's gay and accepting of me for me makes it even better.

And as long as I can laugh, I can cope.



hellonwheels's picture

Laughing is a great...

coping mechanism dude. healthy too. it takes more energy laughing than many other activities. lol.

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

Sam2000's picture

Thanks : )

I try to keep smiling, and now I can feel safe when I smile!

Hope you're okay?


hellonwheels's picture

currently pondering life....

past events, my dad's life, and how the fuck I am still here over a bottle od whiskey and some good metal. fuck'n a.


Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

elph's picture

You know...

Some people are just more fortunate than others...

But...take a long, leisurely stroll... get lost in the timber... enjoy the colors of nature... before it really turns cold! Much cheaper... and more effective than whiskey! :)

(An occasional glass of wine, however, will aid in reliving those memories...)

hellonwheels's picture

very true...elph....

Very true. I took about 10,000 feet of the trees and mountain views in on sunday. Rode 10k vertical in under two hours. killed my body and my wrists. haha. but yeah, there are better things than whiskey. I bought the mid shelf shit tonight, a thing I rarely do, since I drink fine aged, malted scotch and such, but yeah. tonight, I went for the evan williams. Decent whiskey, worth twice what they charge for it, but not as smooth as my beloved jameson.

I will go for a long walk in the morning, or maybe later tonight, depends on how cold it is and how I am feeling. Thanks for the advice, keith.

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

lonewolf678's picture

Smiling can improve one's mood,

it releases endorphins in the brain. Smiling always makes me feel good.

Sam2000's picture

I try to smile as much as I

I try to smile as much as I can now, being safe and in a positive place has made that so much easier!


MaddieJoy's picture


is so nice. I just started since it doesn't hurt anymore (my braces ripped into my lips) and it's quite a pleasant sensation.

"It's a helluva start, knowing what makes you happy."
--Lucille Ball

Sam2000's picture

I don't have braces but my

I don't have braces but my boyfriend does so I know what you mean about smiling, sometimes his mouth hurts really bad especially after trips to the orthodontist.