In my last journal I wrote about being in a new school and starting over, and for once feeling safe at what my Dad always calls "my job". Now that I've been in school a few weeks I'm starting to open up to people, and actually smiling...
Okay...smiling? What's the big deal with smiling?
For me, especially the last few years, smiling was a rare thing. I was too scared all the time to laugh or smile, fear the invisible shadow that never left me alone.
Since I've been living with my father I've noticed that our personalities are really similar, we laugh at the same stuff, and we joke around with each other. I'm not sure if other fathers and sons do the same thing because almost all my friends don't have a Dad in their life. I'm so lucky!
With my autism I have some rough moments, and sometimes I have some really funny ones, especially with the things I say. Dad calls them "A.M.'s"- "Asperger's Moments"-and I have them everyday. I just say things and then it hits me later that I probably shouldn't have opened my mouth!
I had a really funny A.M. one day when Dad was driving us home from going out for dinner and I asked him what his first time was like...and he almost drove off the road! I later understood that I had just asked him what going all the way with my Mom was like, and I knew how he felt about it from reading his diary and the very...um...dirty way he wrote about it...but I just had to ask him about it.
When we got home I stretched out face down on my bed and he came and rubbed my back the way he always does before I go to bed, and he stretched out next to me and talked about it...he told me how much he loved my Mom, how close he was to her, and how seriously nervous he was...and how he was finished as soon as he started.
We were next to each other laughing when I told him about my first time with Matthew (making out in a changing room at the mall) and he had this just crazy look on his face...
"Dad! I didn't have enough money for a motel room!"
We were laughing for a while about that one.
My Dad's always been open with me, and I can trust him about anything. I know I have to be an embarrassment to him at times, but he's still there for me. I'm lucky to have a Dad as it is, and to have one that's gay and accepting of me for me makes it even better.
And as long as I can laugh, I can cope.