bear with me this journal is annoying

angel syndrome's picture

In several ways, I miss the person I used to be, in all my old meekness and fragility. People now tell me I am brave and strong and independent and I try very hard to be all these things. Mostly, I am okay. But when I am not I feel the strangest emptiness. When I think about it, I was never really empty the way I can be now - I was always longing for something or someone. It wasn't as much emptiness as much as a lack, I suppose.

There's nothing I really care about anymore. I try to watch films but I (mostly) get bored, even "Paris, je t'aime" cannot make me cry. I read books but I don't feel any passion towards the narrative or the characters. I'm interested, of course, but I don't care, I don't want to weep or laugh or smile because of what's going on. It's turning into winter so there aren't anymore outdoor raves and all the indoor ones I've been to got stopped by the police. I do drugs sometimes and they're annoying at worst and pass the time at best. Doing acid again seems like one of the few things I'd be interested in doing, but it's cold out and I don't know who to do it with because I want it to be a meaningful, worthwhile experience.

I have a boyfriend, but he's somewhat homeless and a junkie and getting truly emotionally involved is dangerous. Not that he knows I feel this way - I nursed him this weekend and sheltered him and made him soup because he made himself sick. But I don't say "I love you" to him and I certainly wouldn't cry if he decided that he never wanted to see me again. I mean, I long for him, and my heart would hurt if he would leave, but I wouldn't cry. I like kissing him, I like taking care of him, I like how he pulls my hair and I like his eyes so it's okay.

I've quit smoking (today marks a week, with a cheat) and I miss it - beyond the physical nicotine addiction. I miss coming home and smoking a cigarette and I miss just shutting everything out for ten minutes. Meditating doesn't really have the same effect, since I can only manage to be completely calm and clear of mind for about thirty seconds and then I start thinking again. I miss the comfort I found in smoking. I won't start again, though, because I'm too poor and I refuse to smoke Canadian cigarettes and therefore shelled out twice as much for British or German ones.

More than anything I suppose I'm nothing more than bored and therefore, boring. I longed so much "to be okay" but okay seems to be such an empty word. In the end, it's all so useless.

Comments

jeff's picture

Umm...

No apologies on here. The whole point of the site is venting and being heard. Nothing annoying about it.

You make your meekness and fragility sound like it was your true self, and that these other things are more of an effort? There seems to be evidence for all of these:

brave - after your abusive ex, you are out having fun at raves, taking control of your life, pursuing your passion in college

strong - you are deciding how you want to live, such as being smoke-free, and how you want to be loved. Look at how you are asserting yourself with your drug dealing boyfriend. Setting boundaries, and carving out a place where you feel nurtured being with him, but also setting limits on what you will put up with.

independent - you are charting your own future, determining who you want to be, and deciding how to manifest that person through your actions.

I fail to see how any of those are less authentic than the fragile stuff.

You are in transition, so the stuff that used to set you off doesn't anymore. You needed something that those movies and such provided, but you have moved on. The good thing is that when you get to a different place, you can often appreciate them again on new terms, but I've had periods where meaningful things seemed hollow, but stuff that gets in always seems to have gotten in for a reason, and they come back.

Even with the boyfriend, some previous guys seemed to treat you like something disposable, but now you are the caregiver providing meaning to someone else. Yet, again, you will give yourself over to him to the point where you won't get hurt. That isn't shutting down, but setting reasonable boundaries. And not permanent ones, they could move over time as situations change, if necessary.

Congrats on quitting, babe. Proud of you.

I think wanting to be normal, to be OK, these are all words society cherishes, but it is sort of an empty pursuit. You'll see a lot of people doing the same things all around you, and since you're all on the same path you will eventually forget it's empty. I am always reminded of my interview with Camille Paglia for Oasis in 1996, where she said: "The people who are happy are slugs. This is my message to gay teens, okay? People who are happy and adjusted are inert. They do not move the human race forward. The human race is moved forward by people who have suffered and who take their suffering as a kind of spring for self-development, creativity and production. That's my message."

You're learning to find your voice as an artist now. So, when you're bored, create something. Fill the voids. Make art. Have you painted your acid trips yet? Found the words to describe the perfect moment of being on MDMA at a rave? Burroughs and Thompson made careers of turning their drug experiences into art. You had the experiences... where's the art?

You're at a point where other people aren't meant to create the art that moves you, but to dig deeper into yourself to create art that can move other people that also heals you in the process.

Artists never feel OK when they're trying to fit in and be happy. At least a boring generic definition of happiness. Stillness is never a setting for joy, because creation is absent.

Pursuing being average will always seem useless because it isn't your destiny. To paraphrase a work you're familiar with: You couldn't be useless if you tried.

---
Hey, Sexy Lady! Oppan Gangnam Style...

angel syndrome's picture

I just want to point out

I just want to point out that my relationship with my ex wasn't "abusive" as such, he told me to kill myself and I left him... I think there was psychological warfare on both ends in that relationship with neither of us truly aware of it...

I've always been somewhat fragile because of my empathy for others, but as you've pointed out I've been able to place boundaries on my emotions.

We've talked about several of these things off-site so I won't get too into it with my reply - but what I got the most of in your reply here was that I am in (yet another) stage of transition - this time, a very real and seemingly sudden transition between childhood and adulthood where I'm made to be responsible for myself and have my actions accounted for. Yet, I'm blocked and I've been distracted by everything, including the drugs and the boyfriend.

Thank you again for all your encouragement and support .'☆

jeff's picture

Well...

There's lots of kinds of abuse: emotional, psychological, physical... as Meat Loaf says, two out of three ain't bad.

, ---
Hey, Sexy Lady! Oppan Gangnam Style...

elph's picture

I have difficulty in recognizing...

...more than two types of abuse: psychological and physical.

One's emotions can be adversely affected by either!

poetic_star's picture

:)

Hi, umm a lot of the feelings you talk about I can relate like the emptiness and not feeling brave or strong enough. But you strike me as really special and unique and I can just tell by how you're not at all shallow or self-centered in your journal the way most people are.. even at your worst, it seems you really care about your boyfriend and others. That's really special, believe me. So I think that there's somebody in this superficial bleak world who would honestly appreciate a caring, talented sweet person like you. In case that somebody isn't your current boyfriend, I think the healthiest thing to do might just be honest with him. If you don't love him romantically, maybe you could just be there for him as a best friend? I do understand where you're coming. I mean, at least you have someone. I don't. But I think you should take care of yourself because it would really really suck for that special someone out there if you weren't here. I don't mean to be judgmental but I guess you can tell I'm talking the drugs. Just take care of yourself because I think you deserve better.

angel syndrome's picture

Hi, thank you for writing

Hi, thank you for writing me, I appreciate it always. You're far too kind!

I agree with what a lot you're saying - he probably isn't "the one" for me, I don't think our lifestyles could end up providing a substantial future, really.

I should maybe point out that I do genuinely care for him, and I like caring for him and I like being with him terribly. I can't allow myself to be truly attached due to things in the past, I don't want to get sick again. But I certainly have romantic feelings for him.

As far as my health goes... I can't deny that my boyfriend is a "bad influence" in many ways. I'm adamant about several things, however - I only do drugs if I'm out and on the weekend. There are many drugs I refuse to do, like cocaine or any opiate. I typically stick to smoking weed, MDMA, and acid because they're the only ones that are really "worth" doing.

He is changing a lot, though. He is working a real job now, he's been relatively clean for a few days, and when I spoke to him on the phone yesterday he seemed much better than usual.

I'm not really responding to much of what you're saying, but again, thank you so much for everything you've outlined here. You've given me a lot to think about.

poetic_star's picture

I hope it helped in some way

I hope it helped in some way :) I don't want you to think I'm trying to pry or whatever. I'm just honestly concerned.

Bosemaster42's picture

You could never be,

Annoying. Your changing, like everyone else does eventually. Obviously, your still finding yourself, your true self, that is. Your empathy for your boyfriend showcases how caring you are as a person. You could have easily cast him off or simply used him, but you didn't. Your also smart enough to realize your relationship is somewhat tenuous, but it seems to me your in the driver's seat.
Also, I've always enjoyed reading your posts for the relatively short time I've been on here. You have a flair with words and wording, which is what compelled me to respond. If the pencil work above is yours, you also have talent in that area and perhaps you could fill the 'void' with more time spent putting your pencil to work.
Congrats on quitting smoking, I do hope your successful. I've been battling with that decision myself. It's not easy, but can be done.
It's funny you mention meditating, I have the same problem. A very active and insufferable thought process. I learned there's only one way to achieve a true meditative state leading to relaxation of the mind.
1. Complete quiet/ no distractions
2. Your mind will continue to deliver thoughts. The trick is to simply watch what pops into your thought-stream, not reacting to it, just watch with eyes closed and then the thoughts will fade away. It takes practice and discipline to make this happen.
3. Keep asking the same question- Who am I?(verbally)
Try that experimentally, and see what happens.

angel syndrome's picture

Hi, thank you for your

Hi, thank you for your as-always kind words! My next project is likely to be a full-length documentary-style film once I get the money to get new equipment, but I do write often, too. I keep my journal on me, always.

Thank you for your meditation tips - I'm sure that they will come in handy. My usual process typically involves listening to the space I'm in and reminding myself to simply "be" - I can quickly enter that state, but I get distracted too easily since I don't usually do this in quiet times.