Free Write #5

radiosilence95's picture

-They say that you become what you pretend to be. Does that mean if I pretend to be fine, I'll be fine?

-If you rely on everyone around you for genuine happiness, prepare yourself for some disappointment. If you rely on one person for genuine happiness, you're totally fucked.

-Even in my worst times, at least I knew what I was thinking and feeling. I've always been able to sort through my thoughts, interpret them, analyze them. I could always bring clarity to what I was feeling, even if that feeling was overwhelmingly negative. Now I can't do any of that. Confused, nameless thoughts and feelings do not sit well with me.

-She's definitely the kind of girl who walks around every day completely oblivious to how beautiful she is. I wish I could tell her. There are a lot of things I wish I could tell her. Boundaries. I have to remember my boundaries. Always reminded of my boundaries. That's all my life seems to be right now. Boundaries and limitations.

-I've been learning about Buddhism in my World Lit class. I love it. I've been reading up on the Eightfold Path and the Four Noble Truths. I wish I could live by these things, but I don't know how any modern human can.

-I am easily forgotten. This statement is not a solicitation of sympathy--it is a simple, undeniable, unwavering truth.

-I found the perfect Christmas gift for Brittany, but it's an obscene amount of money to spend on one person: 102 dollars. I'm not trying to buy her loyalty or love or anything, although it seems like that. I just really want to get her something special. This is what it is:

Adding the other three gifts I'm getting for two other friends and my sister, I'm spending almost two hundred dollars on Christmas gifts. My two friends don't really deserve anything, but it's our last year together and they're fun to be around, so why not. Maybe I'm buying all these gifts to make myself feel better.

-I plan on giving Brittany this gift when I invite her over to my house some time over Christmas break. I have visions of us playing in the snow, maybe snowball fights and sledding. Then I'll give it to her when we go inside for hot chocolate. I have no romantic intentions hidden in this plan. I just want it to be special since she's my closest friend and all.


elph's picture

Too many choices... :(

But other than for that, they look great and I'm betting she'd really appreciate both the gift... and the thought behind it!

Am I correct in assuming she's a Doctor Who addict?

radiosilence95's picture

Oh yes.

She is very much a Doctor Who addict. I know she'll love it. Seeing her reaction will definitely be worth 102 bucks.

jeff's picture


I don't know about you become what you pretend to be. I think you're referring to the idea that if you visualize an outcome, you are conspiring for the universe to make it come true. Intention is nice, but I think it has to be followed up by other action.

You can tell beautiful people they're beautiful. They won't believe you anyway.

Obscene amounts of money are variable, dependent on your income. I could spend $102 today and forget I did it tomorrow.

I don't think you have to deny your feelings toward her, or repress them, or not speak of them. Just be honest about them to her and to yourself.

Hey, Sexy Lady! Oppan Gangnam Style...

radiosilence95's picture

My average paycheck is only

My average paycheck is only around fifty or sixty bucks, so $102 is a lot to spend for me. I don't exactly get the best hours at my job.

I don't think she really wants to talk about anything associated with my feelings anymore. And I don't want to keep bringing it back up when I know it would probably make her uncomfortable. Calling her beautiful would make her uncomfortable, too.

anarchist's picture

On Buddhism. . .

I sort of abandoned it because I'm already happy without any philosophy, regardless of how attached I am to anything (proving that the whole foundation for Buddha's philosophy is complete bullshit, especially since he was naïve and ignorant enough to beg the question).

But if you do want to live by his rules, it's pretty easy. You just have to go out into the wild and meditate until you eventually die because you don't know how to survive in the wild at all, especially without meat. You can blame society for that one.

It always does seem impossible, though, and always has, because people are so attached to society that they're afraid to leave it. Paulo Coelho (Paul Rabbit, as I like to call him) has pointed this out many times, especially in Aleph.

radiosilence95's picture

I don't agree with every

I don't agree with every aspect of Buddhism, but some of its teachings are really great and worthy of attention. The basic ideas that we shouldn't hurt others, we should know when to be silent, we shouldn't lie or cheat, and we must rely on ourselves for our own happiness...all of that is agreeable to me. I also appreciate how Buddhists don't seek to indoctrinate others like followers of other religions do. It's just such a peaceful religion, never started any wars or forced itself on anybody through its followers.

anarchist's picture

Well, as someone on the Internet has said before about Buddhism,

if a religion isn't going to put in the effort of converting me, I won't put in the effort of converting to it...

MaddieJoy's picture

I agree, radiosilence

I love the way Buddhism tells people to act. It's all about respect & love & acceptance. If I could choose one religion to be dominant it would be Buddhism.

The ducks will get you!

anarchist's picture

I'd choose Taoism.

It's much more logical. The only thing is I'd have to work for free.

elph's picture

I think one's in trouble...

once one subscribes to any formalized religion/cult.

My advice: use your head, decide for yourself what constitutes a moral life, and live accordingly. It can be your secret; it's no one else's business but yours!

anarchist's picture

And that's exactly what I do.

I just be happy. Then I don't need anything.