I almost died

Mogul's picture

Last week and this week have been kinda stressful because I'm failing maths and my parents think I'm lazy and that I don't understand when I do. Anyways I knew las week was going to be horrible, my depression is trying to get back, I made new cuts, hit really hard my leg with a rock and I think I made some damage, it haven't healed completely and my suicide thoughts got back. Plus on Friday I was talking with some friend, I came out to her, and we talked a long time until idk how we started talking about depression and self-harm and she told me that she did it and we both feel like a little bit connected.

And this week my suicide thoughts came back and a little bit stronger, I can't run thanks to my damaged leg so I can't make exercise and I want so I'm getting frustrated an today my best friend almost kills me accidentally, we were in some playground in school and a kick him, he fell and he wanted revenge, so he grabbed his hoddie, put it like a rope, I was laying on the games and he started strangling me and he fell and the hoddie was still on my neck so it made worse, I closed my eyes and then I can't remember what happened until I heard some voices and I thought what the hell was happening and I opened my eyes when everybody was watching me and saying "thank god you're alive". What happened when I passed out was that my friend fell, he was hanging on the hoddie that was on my neck and asked a friend "Is his face purple?" And my friend said no so I think he continued, I moved my arm so they thought I was acting, until I was trying to breathe, my body was moving and I was super white and pale, until my friend let it go and I breathed, but I wasn't moving so they were all worried. Something weird is that my face doesn't go purple while I can't breathe and when I passed out I felt like if I wasn't in my body anymore and I saw something, but I can't remember. The whole day my best friend was feeling bad and I was trying to cheer him up and I think I did, but he thinker all day that he could have killed me. And this experience was good, it made me realize what would happen if I had died, if that would happen my best friend would shot himself when he gets home, my other best friend depressed and she told me that if he shots himself, I died, she would do overdose or cut her veins. This made my suicide thoughts get away.
This wasn't the first time that he tries to do this, but he never had gone so far and other times it was playing and it's normal for us.

I just made this journal just because of this.

Elph, in my last journal I said that I couldn't date Thant chick because as a date my friend referred to take her out, something romantic and then go and fuck her and continue doing that.

Comments

ElsaGabor's picture

Glad to hear you're okay!

That's quite the close call, and its a good thing they got you out of it before things got bad.

In regards to the depression and such, stay strong. It may sound cliche when I say that you aren't alone, but you really are not alone. Many of us have been in that place, and it certainly isn't an easy place to be. Just never forget that every day truly is a new day, and that with perseverance you will see better days.

Mogul's picture

Thank you

Thank you. It's been a while since someone told me that.

ElsaGabor's picture

Anytime :)

Anytime :)

MaddieJoy's picture

so glad you're ok!!!!!

It sounds like you had quite the wake-up call. But it's good that you don't want to kill yourself anymore.

The ducks will get you!

elph's picture

Could you describe...

what you'd like to see happen such that you'd no longer experience bouts of depression?

I suspect that just putting your thoughts into words would be a great help... both for you, your therapist, and for us Oasies™ who would very much like to complement the help you're receiving professionally! You're still going?

As for your problems with math... I really wish I could be by your side. That being an impossibility... please try just a bit harder!

btw: You, indeed, do have some weird best friends! :)

Mogul's picture

-

It's just that I get really down, want to die, cut, cry and lay in bed all day an I feel horrible with myself and I start hating who I am.

I did that last year, but when I started cutting I stopped doing it and with my psycologist, I stopped going because I finished, but I won't come back to her.

With math, I understand everything, but I fail most of the quizzes just for tiny mistakes.

elph's picture

But...

I fully understand that you are feeling "down"... but what are those thoughts that you find so distressing?

You need to be more specific!