Looks like Miki and I have actually made it through that awkward stage of a friendship where the friends start to wonder about what kind of love their love is anyway. That's all it was.
My previous best friend and I went through that phase too, but we never made it through it and we never told each other until it was too late and we were already not even friends anymore. I expect a lot of good friendships go through that phase.
And Miki and I dealt with it well - super well. We told each other, we kissed, we decided not to pursue that kind of relationship, we took a while sorting out our feelings and the awkwardness and all, and now we're totally okay and just friends and all that.
You know you're good friends and nothing else when your friend gets drunk for the first time and you keep her in check and keep her from taking her dress off and try without much success to keep her from shouting WHY IS MICHAEL STILL HERE, NO ONE LIKES HIM! HE'S A FART MONKEY! FART MONKEY! FART MONKEY! across the room and still she says "It's like when Avity and I cuddle, it doesn't mean anything," and then you go home to the same single bed and give her two-thirds of the space and she hits your face over and over with a stuffed animal and where was I going with this story? Is this even still a story?
I know I had kept wondering for a while. Wondering whether she only said no 'cause she was scared of losing what we had, not because she really didn't want it. Now I know, and that's a relief.
And I had kept on more than half believing "it's going to happen, someday." And y'know, maybe it is. We're still backup spouses. It's still the plan that we marry each other when we're done trying to find anyone else. Not actually going to happen, but it's a nice plan. But for now and for the foreseeable future we really are just friends - although, I don't like that phrase, 'just friends.' It makes it sound like friendship like this is somehow less than any dating-type relationship, which it isn't.
I remember something else, too. I was asleep and I don't know if she remembers - we both sounded pretty awake but I was asleep even if I was able to have a conversation and remember it. I don't know.
"Why are you still here?" she said.
"Here where, I don't understand the question," or something like that. Took a lot more words and half-sentences, but it comes to the same. "Here in your bed?"
"Here in your apartment?"
"In your life?"
"I love you."
"But why? That's not enough reason. I don't deserve a friend like you."
"Well, you've got me. I don't know. Maybe it's just ...we tolerate each other spectacularly well. And that's something. You claimed me, and you've got me, and I'm yours. Don't say you don't deserve it."
I probably shouldn't have put all that in quotation marks 'cause the words weren't exactly like that, but I don't remember exactly how they were. We were asleep. At least I was. But I remember.
This has been a journal entry. Sorry I keep posting these after I said I was leaving, and not posting comments either. I do read some other journals, I promise. Just haven't been commenting.