Morning Bird

ElsaGabor's picture

Sorrow is something that is such a precious gift in life, yet it is also one of them most profoundly crippling emotions known. It is something that tears one into two, turning trials of sanity and insanity into a torturous dance, a dance which moves the tides of self-destruction. Yet it is something that can be honestly said is our own; no one else can ever have it, and no one can ever take it from you. It is one of the few things in life that is truly my own.

I still recount all the times growing up thinking that there simply was nothing for me; All the times I watched my family pour over my siblings, giving them every fiber of their love and devotion, while I was cast out to the pasture as though I were defected. It consumed my mind, and to this day still does. I am inferior in all ways. I am not intelligent, nor am I skillful. I am not attractive, I will never satisfy. I am destitute, and I am hollow. I feel nothing but endless pain, and I know that as long as I live this pain will persist.

I just want a touch that says more, and a love based beyond the manifestations of lust and empty pleasure. I envy all of those around me, even those who may rationally have greater misfortune than I. I wish to feel, I wish to live.

Nobody understands, yet everyone understands.

Comments

radiosilence95's picture

This was incredible to read.

This was incredible to read. I can really relate to the first paragraph.

Not intelligent? This journal entry says otherwise. Not skillful? Highly doubt that. Not attractive? Gurl, you are fabulous.

ElsaGabor's picture

Aw,

Thanks guhfren :3 Your comment has certainly brightened my morning.

Bosemaster42's picture

Sorrow,

Isn't something you possess, like a shirt, however, there are plenty of examples of people who choose to wear sorrow like one. It's simply a function of human emotion. An emotion that is linked to the negative. Yes, it can be crippling, but not everlasting. It can lead to self-destruction if an individual makes that choice, but it's not written in stone.
Of course, every person deals with sorrow differently. At some point, you have to let go of the experience which caused sorrow to take over control of your thoughts and actions. If you don't, it will cause problems.
Has your family literally turned their back on you? If so, you have my deepest sympathy. Or is this your perception of how they feel? There is a huge difference between the two.
Please don't take this the wrong way, but in identifying with being inferior, not intelligent, skilled, attractive, destitute, and hollow, you are actually perpetuating the reality of this being true, regardless of the real truth. Catch yourself in the act of saying these things to yourself. Watch your thoughts. Negative thoughts will always try to derail your progress. Don't allow it.
Your ability to write coherently and to recognize your sorrow negates any attempt at believing you are not intelligent. I saw the picture you posted of yourself, you're not unattractive.
Perhaps meeting the right person will make your emptiness disappear?

jeff's picture

I think...

... the biggest benefit of sorrow is it shows you how much happiness and joy also exists. There are no depths without heights. The trick is to look at the depth your at enough to keep reaching for higher ground, without forgetting to look up and realize how much beauty is still above you that awaits.

Similar to how the pain suffered during a breakup shows how emotionally available and vulnerable you allowed yourself to be with someone. The trick being to realize the pain is worth it, and opening yourself up again knowing that hurt can happen.

In both cases, reveling in your misery is not the goal, but to use it as an altimeter to calculate the joy that awaits you in the future.

---
Hey, Sexy Lady! Oppan Gangnam Style...