Nothing in particular

MacAvity's picture

Somehow I keep coming back to Oasis. Said I was leaving, don't even think about it for days or weeks at a time, but once in a while, I just come back, read a few journals, leave a comment or two... It's nice. I like it here.

I have a paper journal, but sometimes people see it. There's already stuff in there that I wouldn't want people to read - but it's in alongside all my doodles and drawings and lists of things-to-do, and sometimes I show people the drawings and the book loses privacy.

Miki's confusing me a little. Confusing is the wrong word. I don't know. Yesterday everything was perfect - hugs and silliness and I-missed-you-so-much - and I don't know why she suddenly started using male pronouns on me. It felt weird. Maybe it's 'cause I cut my hair, I don't know. She'll probably go back to calling me "she" soon enough. Probably already has.

It was good to have her being affectionate again. I'd missed that. Missed it terribly. Last weekend? weekend before Hallowe'en, I think, yeah 'cause that's when I was a Roman - I confronted her a little about how distant she was being. She said she felt guilty for "what she did to me" - meaning kissing me, and "leading me on" - and I assured her that she'd done nothing to hurt me, that it was only her subsequent distance that hurt. She still slept on the floor that night and the next - but I think she did believe me eventually, 'cause we're all okay now. Better than okay.

Here's a picture from Hallowe'en. I was Death, of Stupid Deaths fame, but Stupid Deaths fame is pretty limited fame, so everyone except Miki just thought I was some sort of scary skeleton type thing. That's Miki just to the left of the picture, too, but I've cropped her out for privacy.

And the weekend before Hallowe'en I was a Roman soldier, with the costume I made over the summer from materials around the house. Still super proud of that costume. And that was when I slept over at Miki's, and ended up having to do my version of the Walk of Shame - spend the night in someone else's bed, and end up making your way back to your own place in the morning without pants - in my case the owner of the other bed slept on the floor, and the lack of pants was because of the tunic-based costume.... I was amused, anyway.

Blah blah blah blah....
I don't know what I'm writing or why......
Just gonna keep blathering on about Miki, 'cause I love her....

She went on a date recently. That felt a bit weird to me, I don't know why. Maybe just 'cause she's going on dates now and I'm back to my old none whatsoever. But that's how we are. Guys pass briefly through her life, often they disappoint her, and I'm just perpetually single without so much as a flirtation, and we've always got each other. And that pattern will keep going until we're like thirty or something, and then we'll just marry each other 'cause no one else is crazy enough to have us. That's the plan. And then we'll have like six kids and a dog, and Regi won't want to come visit us because Regi doesn't like dogs and she hates kids, but she'll have to come visit us anyway.

Regi. That's something worth journalling about now isn't it. Blah.

See, Regi's sweet. She's always getting all cute and snuggly and purring and telling me that she wouldn't want to be rooming with anyone but me. And I feel so guilty, because I know I'd rather be with Miki. But I can't say so, because that would be such a kick in the face to Regi.

Regi's special. She's always been my second-best friend, and that sounds horrible, second-best, but she's outlasted any of the firsts. By far. Longest I've had any one "best friend" is probably five years - Regi's been second for what? fourteen? And that means a lot. And I love her - but at any given time, I love someone else more. And right now that someone else is Miki.

And it did rankle on Hallowe'en, when Miki was being affectionate and Regi just about pushed her off me, and then totally ditched us and disappeared to go be with her boyfriend. We've got sort of a tenuous understanding now - Regi has her boyfriend, and I have Miki, and Regi is not to be jealous of Miki or possessive of me.
It's a new experience for me, I think, being an object of contention like this. It sounds so self-serving, like, oh, everyone wants to be my best friend. And it's a little hard not to let that stop me from expressing it, but it is the situation, it's the truth, and I need to say how guilty I feel - for choosing to live with Regi, and then wishing I was living with Miki instead.

I don't know. Blah. Regardless. This has been a journal entry.


Sam2000's picture

I'd love to see you post on

I'd love to see you post on here more often : )