running out of things to keep me numb

poetic_star's picture

When I first signed onto this site, I told myself I would refrain from writing anything personal because it just isn't my style but I have to admit now that I'm really lonely and in need of some support. Also, I'm running out of things to keep me numb. Before when my depression would get extremely bad, I would focus on the present or distract myself with a hobby, mostly I would daydream about the future and what I hoped to accomplish but now I feel like that was just false hope because here I am, years later; still miserable and a failure. My dad is coming to visit me soon and a part of me that doesn't want him to because I'm tired of him seeing me like this. I have no friends except for my best friend but she lives overseas and besides her, I only have my therapist and my father. Every friendship I've attempted has failed because I'm so messed up that I end up doing something wrong or the other person just can't handle how damaged I am as human being. It's so humiliating to say these things so I don't know why I'm doing it now but not even my poetry, which is probably the only thing I'm a little bit good at, is good enough so I'm running out of things to keep me numb. There's absolutely no LGBT support group where I live and my therapist and I have both searched everywhere but haven't found anything accessible to me. I've considered joining a website but I'm reluctant because I know from experience that a lot of people on these sites are purely shallow individuals so I'm just terrified that my dream of finding someone nice will get crushed yet again. But I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't find any motivation to get out of bed and I've been crying a lot these past weeks, which is a sign that I'm slipping back into that dark scary place I was in three years ago before I started therapy.

Comments

Bosemaster42's picture

Aww. Why,

Do you feel like a failure? I believe your anything but that. Relationships work both ways, maybe you have said or done something to screw up a friendship, but a true friend will almost always forgive for minor transgressions. If it's more than that, and you don't feel comfortable sharing this, feel free to PM me. I can empathize with opening up completely about personal stuff, but that is what this site is for.
Just remember, you do have friends here. Granted, it's a little impersonal only being able to talk online with people, but there are many here who have gone through something similiar, so feel free to spill your guts. Oh " the only thing I'm a little bit good at" Are you serious? Baby, your not giving yourself enough credit, your poems are beautiful.

poetic_star's picture

thanks

thanks for your kind words. I might tell you more later in a PM. I'm just hesitant about going into details because the last person I was honest with didn't react very well because I guess some of the stuff I have to say is disturbing. But I appreciate the support :)

Bosemaster42's picture

Your welcome,

Please do, I promise I won't over-react. I'm a listener by nature. I have no pedestal to stand on. I'm as imperfect as everyone else.