When I first signed onto this site, I told myself I would refrain from writing anything personal because it just isn't my style but I have to admit now that I'm really lonely and in need of some support. Also, I'm running out of things to keep me numb. Before when my depression would get extremely bad, I would focus on the present or distract myself with a hobby, mostly I would daydream about the future and what I hoped to accomplish but now I feel like that was just false hope because here I am, years later; still miserable and a failure. My dad is coming to visit me soon and a part of me that doesn't want him to because I'm tired of him seeing me like this. I have no friends except for my best friend but she lives overseas and besides her, I only have my therapist and my father. Every friendship I've attempted has failed because I'm so messed up that I end up doing something wrong or the other person just can't handle how damaged I am as human being. It's so humiliating to say these things so I don't know why I'm doing it now but not even my poetry, which is probably the only thing I'm a little bit good at, is good enough so I'm running out of things to keep me numb. There's absolutely no LGBT support group where I live and my therapist and I have both searched everywhere but haven't found anything accessible to me. I've considered joining a website but I'm reluctant because I know from experience that a lot of people on these sites are purely shallow individuals so I'm just terrified that my dream of finding someone nice will get crushed yet again. But I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't find any motivation to get out of bed and I've been crying a lot these past weeks, which is a sign that I'm slipping back into that dark scary place I was in three years ago before I started therapy.