Self-destructive

radiosilence95's picture

I've been taking a lot of naps lately, like almost every day. They last for hours. I sleep an unhealthy amount because it's really the only way I can shut my mind off effectively. I should really stop doing that.

It really pisses me off that I'm dwelling in this depression I've found myself in. It's lasted for three months. Usually my little slumps only last days, maybe weeks. I can't tell if I'm wallowing in it purposely because I enjoy it or I want attention or what, or if this is just a really big thing that's really hard to get out of. I can't even tell if I'm trying to get out of it or not.

My mom and sister are both gonna be gone tonight. Brittany can't do anything because her boyfriend already asked her to hang out. I feel a lot of animosity towards him, especially after I told her everything. It's really not fair that I depend on her so much either. The one person, the only person I ever want to talk to or be around, and she's hardly ever available. Sometimes I think that there's no room in her life for me anymore. The thought is almost too much to face.

There's still a lot unsaid. I don't speak what's on my mind because it would chase her away. It's weird to keep my thoughts to myself with the one person who I feel that I can share anything with. Sometimes I wonder if she's scared to be alone with me now. Maybe she thinks I'll try something. I'd like to say with unwavering certainty that I wouldn't try anything, but that one night after Fright Fest, when she let me rest my head on her shoulder...I almost did. Touch her. Not in that particular place, but...somewhere. Her legs. Hands, maybe. I don't fucking know. It took a lot of restraint, and that's alarming.

I mean, fuck, I would never EVER dream of hurting her. Like, forcing myself on her or anything. God, no. But...I don't know. I just really have to struggle to respect physical boundaries now. And that actually terrifies me.

I think I'll go for a drive tonight. Maybe even go on the highway, play some Soundgarden, or maybe I'll keep the radio silent. Then once I get home maybe I'll just sit on my deck and stare at the stars. It'll waste precious gas, but I cannot sit at home alone this evening. I'll go crazy. Sometimes I feel like I am already in the process of going crazy. I can't pinpoint anything I'm thinking or feeling. My thoughts travel at light speed and my feelings are too murky to be recognized. The only alleviation for it is school, sitting in a class, fretting over busywork, focusing on something for a little while.

I feel caged. Trapped. I feel like static. I feel like nothing. Brittany says she went through something similar, and that the only remedy is college because in college you're working towards something and you're in a new environment with new, awesome people. But that's seven more months of...what? Nothing. Routine. Empty, meaningless routine. What am I working toward? Graduation? My high school credits are taken care of. Everything I do in school is just busywork. I go to school to be around people, to focus on something, and that's all. I could graduate at semester, but I think it's too late to tell anyone that I want to.

And what if I go to college and it's not the haven I imagined? I know the adjustment will be rough, but what if, even after that adjustment phase, I still feel empty and full of static? What do I do with myself then? What if this isn't even a phase? What if something's mentally wrong with me? It's always a treasure for me to experience true happiness. Chronic depression does run in my family.

Maybe once I get back from my drive I'll give poetry another try. I don't know. Might be kind of hard to focus.

Comments

anarchist's picture

I feel the same way today.

How strange. I can't think of any way to cure it other than just ignoring it. Meanwhile, my headache is getting terribly worse. At least you don't have one of those.

I have an idea, though: go to the gym. It requires a subscription, but running on a treadmill (or whatever cardio machine you prefer) around other people makes you feel like you're being social, and it really feels good. I highly recommend the gym.

radiosilence95's picture

I do actually have a gym

I do actually have a gym membership, and I work out once or twice a week. I just really don't want to go alone. Usually my sister or mom goes with me. It does help, but only a little bit.

anarchist's picture

You should go more often.

The more you do it, the more you enjoy it.

jeff's picture

Umm...

Find people who are not Brittany to hang out with? Has to be a way, no?

She can't be your best friend, your crush, your confidante, etc. Gotta spread that drama around a bit.

---
Hey, Sexy Lady! Oppan Gangnam Style...

radiosilence95's picture

My other friends suck and I

My other friends suck and I don't like them. I asked three of them to hang out tonight and they all found excuses. They never consider the possibility that maybe, just maybe, I have a life too. They just talk about themselves and what goes on in their daily lives and it's obnoxious. And for whatever reason I'm excluded from everything they do together. So yeah, they can go fuck themselves.

elph's picture

In at least one respect...

you're quite fortunate: being able to nap at a moment's notice is a wonderful gift!

radiosilence95's picture

Yeah, that's something that

Yeah, that's something that I won't have the privilege of doing in college. But still, sleeping that much cannot be healthy. Maybe it's a good thing I won't be able to do it for much longer.

anarchist's picture

I always lay in my bed because I'm cold.

Then I end up taking a nap. From 30 minutes to 3 hours. Almost every day.

radiosilence95's picture

I don't think that's good at

I don't think that's good at all. It affects how you sleep at night and it can make you even more groggy. There's even a study that suggests that excessive napping ages your brain by two years.

jeff's picture

So....

From an age of consent perspective, a 16-year-old who naps a lot should be street legal?

---
Hey, Sexy Lady! Oppan Gangnam Style...

anarchist's picture

I don't like sleeping at night.

If it weren't for school, I'd sleep and maybe listen to loud music all day and hang around and do stuff in my house at night. This is my lifestyle in the summer. Last summer I stayed up until 7:00 AM working on two different house songs (and the summer before that because I was watching Breaking Bad). And a few weekends ago I did the same thing because AzuriteReaction was doing a YouTube stream for six hours at night. But I'm digressing.

I'm shocked at the last fact. Isn't it a good thing, though, that my brain is at the state of that of a seventeen-year-old? I'm two years more mature than my peers...

So, in summary, I'm nocturnal and I enjoy staying up late.

jeff's picture

Actually...

You lie there.

http://www.grammarmudge.cityslide.com/articles/article/992333/8992.htm

---
Hey, Sexy Lady! Oppan Gangnam Style...

elph's picture

I wanted to do that...

But was quite confident that I'd not be able to get away unscathed!

jeff's picture

Yeah...

I don't think it's healthy after a certain point. I have a weird thing where I'll wake up before my alarm, shut it off, and then wake up three hours later. It is so evil. Cuz I just figure, oh well, I'm awake, and then... ACK!

---
Hey, Sexy Lady! Oppan Gangnam Style...

Bosemaster42's picture

I envy anyone,

who can sleep in the day. I've never been able to take naps unless I'm completely wiped out.