I've been taking a lot of naps lately, like almost every day. They last for hours. I sleep an unhealthy amount because it's really the only way I can shut my mind off effectively. I should really stop doing that.
It really pisses me off that I'm dwelling in this depression I've found myself in. It's lasted for three months. Usually my little slumps only last days, maybe weeks. I can't tell if I'm wallowing in it purposely because I enjoy it or I want attention or what, or if this is just a really big thing that's really hard to get out of. I can't even tell if I'm trying to get out of it or not.
My mom and sister are both gonna be gone tonight. Brittany can't do anything because her boyfriend already asked her to hang out. I feel a lot of animosity towards him, especially after I told her everything. It's really not fair that I depend on her so much either. The one person, the only person I ever want to talk to or be around, and she's hardly ever available. Sometimes I think that there's no room in her life for me anymore. The thought is almost too much to face.
There's still a lot unsaid. I don't speak what's on my mind because it would chase her away. It's weird to keep my thoughts to myself with the one person who I feel that I can share anything with. Sometimes I wonder if she's scared to be alone with me now. Maybe she thinks I'll try something. I'd like to say with unwavering certainty that I wouldn't try anything, but that one night after Fright Fest, when she let me rest my head on her shoulder...I almost did. Touch her. Not in that particular place, but...somewhere. Her legs. Hands, maybe. I don't fucking know. It took a lot of restraint, and that's alarming.
I mean, fuck, I would never EVER dream of hurting her. Like, forcing myself on her or anything. God, no. But...I don't know. I just really have to struggle to respect physical boundaries now. And that actually terrifies me.
I think I'll go for a drive tonight. Maybe even go on the highway, play some Soundgarden, or maybe I'll keep the radio silent. Then once I get home maybe I'll just sit on my deck and stare at the stars. It'll waste precious gas, but I cannot sit at home alone this evening. I'll go crazy. Sometimes I feel like I am already in the process of going crazy. I can't pinpoint anything I'm thinking or feeling. My thoughts travel at light speed and my feelings are too murky to be recognized. The only alleviation for it is school, sitting in a class, fretting over busywork, focusing on something for a little while.
I feel caged. Trapped. I feel like static. I feel like nothing. Brittany says she went through something similar, and that the only remedy is college because in college you're working towards something and you're in a new environment with new, awesome people. But that's seven more months of...what? Nothing. Routine. Empty, meaningless routine. What am I working toward? Graduation? My high school credits are taken care of. Everything I do in school is just busywork. I go to school to be around people, to focus on something, and that's all. I could graduate at semester, but I think it's too late to tell anyone that I want to.
And what if I go to college and it's not the haven I imagined? I know the adjustment will be rough, but what if, even after that adjustment phase, I still feel empty and full of static? What do I do with myself then? What if this isn't even a phase? What if something's mentally wrong with me? It's always a treasure for me to experience true happiness. Chronic depression does run in my family.
Maybe once I get back from my drive I'll give poetry another try. I don't know. Might be kind of hard to focus.