something that's been bothering me..

poetic_star's picture

I don't really know where to start but there's something that I've never understood and I just want some form of clarification, I guess, though it might still be impossible for me to understand because I just feel so different from everybody else. But.. When I was between 10 and 13 I was molested by an adult I lived with at the time and some other stuff happened to me when I was 17 and 18 that were equally traumatic. I'm not "normal", by any means, especially when it comes to intimacy and relationships because I don't trust just anyone with my body. A part of me sort of envies people who can have sex often and in a carefree manner but I also am proud that I don't throw myself around like I don't matter. I think, no matter how lonely or ostracized I feel, I deserve better than a casual hookup. But I've just never understood how if you can be assaulted by someone you think you know really well like I was, how can you be intimate with a stranger and not worry whether they're going to respect you or not? Maybe I'm paranoid but rape does happen! So either people are extremely naive or extremely confident that they'll be able to defend themselves..I don't know.

Comments

jeff's picture

Well...

It seems like there are two issues here that shouldn't be tethered together.

First, is that you need to deal with how to process what happened to you and get to the point where you are able to be intimate with other people without having some sort of fear as to how it could go wrong.

Second, once you complete the first task, then you can decide how you are comfortable conducting yourself when it comes to sexual matters, relationships, monogamy, casual sex, etc.

I don't think casual sex has to be degrading or frivolous, and I've had wonderful experiences with people where it was just a one-time deal and we're Facebook friends, when I'd see them out in a club, we'd hug and catch up, possibly even consider hooking up again. So, you can conjure intimacy in those settings, and have it be nurturing, kind, supportive, and fun.

Of course, that need to be a decision you make for yourself, without bringing judgment of people with differing views into the mix (since you're essentially saying you think better of yourself than they think of themselves). When, what is actually happening, is that you're living within your comfort zone and by your values, and they are, too.

Also... If people close to you, that should have been protective of you, instead abused and violated you, then you should realize that the classifications you give to people aren't always what they seem. So, I'm not sure why you are paranoid about strangers considering your background.

I'm also unclear how the rape fear comes into play here, since you're already consenting to sleep with someone in this scenario. "I know you came here to let me fuck you, but surprise I'm going to rape you"? OK, six of one... Sure, you could set rules and boundaries in advance as to what you can or can't do, and it your job to defend or relax those rules as things progress.

But it seems your overarching issue to resolve is trust. If people close to you have violated that already, that doesn't mean that strangers would be even worse. You have to figure out how to let people in and feel safe again. I don't know the answer there.

Historically, gay men have tended to be more cavalier about things going too far in situations, and just sort of rolling with it, and moving on without much incident. La Paglia on that concept: http://youtu.be/8-chbRF8z-c?t=13m19s

But yeah, I'd say work on trust first. I'd also work on expressing your personal desires so they didn't sound like anyone not following them is throwing themselves around in a worthless manner, that deserves better, whereas you think better of yourself, etc., and make that more about your personal preferences.

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"I am living this life as lovingly as I can be as flawed as I am." - Brandon Lacy Campos

poetic_star's picture

wow..your reply is really

wow..your reply is really long haha. What I meant about rape is that sure a person could agree to meet so-and-so at a motel or whatever, thinking it's going to be great when it turns out the stranger is forceful with them. It's the same thing as date rape, I think. You consented to something at first, not knowing it would turn out being violent. And I apologize if I sounded arrogant but I just believe that sex is special, despite what society has reduced it too. I want to use it only to connect to another person in a loving way, that's all.

jeff's picture

Well...

It's OK to have your own beliefs, you just need to call them out as your beliefs and accept that not everyone is going to share them, agree with them, or follow them. I try to start most sentences stating an opinion as "I think..." since then I can never be proven wrong.

For example...

I think that going to meet someone at a motel can never result in rape, because showing up at the motel is consenting to sex. I know the feminist stance on this is that no means no, and blahblah, but if you meet a stranger online or on your phone or whatever, and show up in person to meet them, you're consenting to sex on some level (Camille Paglia covers this topic on that same video I linked above). Now, you could potentially be assaulted, or have an aggravated sexual assault or some other legal terminology, but you can't be raped. If you walk past a motel, and someone pulls you into their room, then sure, it's rape. But if you show up after sexting, rape is an impossible legal outcome. Unless one of the parties is underage, in which case statutory rape would still be the main charge, but that can even include consent and be illegal.

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"I am living this life as lovingly as I can be as flawed as I am." - Brandon Lacy Campos

poetic_star's picture

Oh I wouldn't do it,

Oh I wouldn't do it, regardless. I mean, I'm not that dumb lol. I was just trying to explain my observation.

Bosemaster42's picture

I think,

If you're wishing to meet someone to connect with, it's probably more advisable to meet the person in a more neutral and open location. Coffee shops, movie theaters, arcades, etc. This would seem a bit safer than a motel hook-up. You just never know what your getting yourself into because you're consenting by showing up. If it starts getting too rough, you have to be prepared, otherwise it's not a good idea to be there in the first place.
I hope you can find someone who can restore your ability to trust again.
It's awful what happened to you when you were younger and I feel for you. I also believe you're strong enough to overcome this.

poetic_star's picture

sorry, my reply was for you

sorry, my reply was for you and somehow it went to the person above lol. I mean, I wouldn't do it, regardless to meet in a motel LOL. I mean, I'm not that dumb.

Bosemaster42's picture

I wouldn't have thought that.

Dumb no, certainly not. I was just remarking on the scenario you were suggesting. It's a trust issue, I can understand that completely. It's something you'll need to work on because of past experiences, for sure, and learning how to let go of the past, not forgetting, because you will always remember what happened.

ElsaGabor's picture

I myself have had similar

I myself have had similar experiences to you, and I can't say I could quite relate to the trust issues you've seemed to developed. After I was assaulted I actually become even more promiscuous to deal with the anger, shame, shock and all the terrible emotions that come with something of that nature. I think the way people deal with sexual assault and molestation differs for everyone, some people end up throwing themselves into promiscuity, while others hide away from any sort of sexual contact.

poetic_star's picture

you're absolutely right. My

you're absolutely right. My therapist has told me the same thing, that there are two kinds of reactions to molestation. I'm sorry it happened to you too.

ElsaGabor's picture

It's all good,

it's hard but you'll work past it. Everyday it works its way into my head, but all there is to do is keep moving and working to be the best I can be for myself and others.